Pick Up and Go

When she ends the call, I ask why she's at this high-end pick-up joint. When she begins describing her Internet nightmare, I understand.

"I thought I was being punked," she says. "I'm 39 and thought I was too old for MySpace. I really didn't understand the whole stranger thing, so I'd make anyone a friend at first. He was 40, a history professor, and seemed attractive from his photos. We had two weeks' worth of witty banter online and over the phone before we decided to make a date. But when I first pulled up to his condo and noticed it was a complex for residents 55 or older, it was the first clue that something wasn't right. When I got to his apartment, I was relieved he was good-looking, but the only furniture he had was a crocheted couch that looked like it was passed down from his grandmother. There were guitars everywhere, and instead of a dining room set, he had a drum kit. He was nervous, so he immediately started to talk about music and the greatest band of all time: Yes. He knew all the nuances of each band member and wanted to watch this bootlegged copy of Yes's first concert ever.

"So we started watching the video, which looked like it was taped on a crappy 8mm, and ... whenever one of his favorite songs came on, he'd jump on his drum set and start banging them out.

"After the movie ended, he goes to me: 'Where are my manners? Let's go get dinner.' So we go downstairs and get into his yellow 1985 Toyota Supra, which they don't even make anymore, and get sushi. As soon as we got into the restaurant, I ordered sake bomb — the tallest sake they had — and a $70 boat. I figured the guy hadn't been on a date in 25 years and had a lot to make up for. During dinner, we talked about our parents and he gets all misty-eyed. He looks off to the side and I see a tear fall. He tells me that his father had died, and when I ask him when he passed, he says, 'November 16, 1985, and my meaning in life is to avenge his death.' Ends up his father died of cancer....

"We get back to his place and he starts to tell me he's into the S&M/bondage scene. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love sex as much as the next person, but we hadn't kissed or even held hands on this date. Then he tells me he has a foot fetish and asks if he could lick my feet. I was wearing Candies, which are open-toed, and said, 'My feet aren't even clean.' And he said, 'The dirtier the better.'

"I knew at this point it was time to leave.

"Oh, and I forgot the worst part," Stephanie adds. "Right as I'm walking out the door, he turns to me and says, 'By the way, if you wear skinnier heels, like stilettos, it'll make your legs look thinner.'"

By this point, I've heard and seen enough about dating. As I leave the ladies' room and head for the exit, I spot Javier and his buddy George the orthodontist. They're grabbing two women with breasts that could hammer a nail, and dragging them onto the dance floor. Then I look closely at George's finger. The ring is gone.