It's in the Mix

What not to put on that Valentine's Day CD.

"Stay with Me," Rod Stewart and the Faces

"Stay with me, stay with me/For tonight you'd better stay with me," Rod Stewart croons while the Faces rock out behind him. "So in the morning, please don't say you love me/'Cause you know I'll only kick you out the door." In other words, fuck me please, but don't expect eggs. Maybe cereal, but only if you go to the corner store and pick up the milk I forgot to get myself.

Anything by R. Kelly

And we mean anything, even the stuff that sounds kind of hot. If a dude allegedly pisses on 13-year-old girls for kicks, you have no right helping him pay his lawyers by buying his music.

"I Said I Loved You, but I Lied," Michael Bolton

Apparently love is an adequate word to describe how Michael Bolton loves. Of course, it's not love, because, you know, it's more than that. That's why he lied. Don't hate him for it. However, most people will hate you if you include this Bolton classic.

"Love Song," Insane Clown Posse

"Love Song" violates the aforementioned irony rule in a huge way: "Bitch, I'm knocking at your door/Let me get some neden, ho/Bitch, you're ugly, that's okay/I'm finna hit it anyway/I guess you want me to take you on a big date/But what you're saying don't sound all that straight/All I wanna do is feel your butt and squeeze your titties/Cuz I can't feed your fat ass on a buck fifty." Ah, nothing says love like Violent J. You know what else Violent J says? You're an idiot for even considering this song, that's what.

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