Music

Auld Lang Syne

We'll take a cup of kindness for some of this year's musical train wrecks.

By Cole Haddon 

This has been a sad year for some of our favorite musical artists. Many of them self-destructed to a degree we never thought possible, even as we rooted for their career salvation, while others inexplicably ruined events to which we were greatly looking forward. Instead of analyzing just what went wrong, we've chosen not to dwell on the past. Instead, as a way of looking to the future, we've imagined asking them for their New Year's resolutions and receiving these responses.

Amy Winehouse: How many of these resolutions do I get?

Meg White, the White Stripes: At the moment, I'm suffering from "health issues," which Jack tells me is called "acute anxiety." This means I'm susceptible to sudden attacks of anxiety, which is not good if you're playing rock and roll in front of, like, 15,000 people. Of course, I should've thought of this before releasing a new album and agreeing to tour with it, so I resolve to get some help, maybe some Xanax, or maybe even a new career that's less, you know, stressful.

Britney Spears: It's Britney, bitch, and I'm resolving to take care of me, y'all. The judge says I need to start worrying about my kids instead, but what does he know? I can't be no good mom if I'm not, like, mentally healthy and all that.

Amy Winehouse: Oi, oi, I got one now. I resolve to ... sniff, sniff. Fuck, my nose is bleeding. I'll be right back.

Pete Doherty, Babyshambles: I resolve to inexplicably live through another year, mate.

50 Cent: This year I'm gonna stop making stupid-ass comments about that stupid-ass bitch Kanye without thinking, considering, or contemplating the consequences. That's why I'm naming my next album Before I Self-Destruct, 'cause I don't know how to check myself. But I'll say now: I'll retire for good if his next album sells more than mine. I'm for real this time.

Sean Kingston: I'm thinking of stealing — um, releasing — a few more tracks stolen from — um, inspired by — classic R&B. Maybe "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay." I'd rename it "I'm Sitting on Beautiful Girls" or something like that.

Kanye West: This year I'd like to follow up my Live Aid duet of "Message in a Bottle" with the Police by accompanying other legendary acts onstage. There's nobody in this business who can say yeah like me. Except maybe Diddy.