By Michael E. Miller
By Ryan Yousefi
By Kyle Munzenrieder
By Sabrina Rodriguez
By Michael E. Miller
By Carlos Suarez De Jesus
By Luther Campbell
By Kyle Munzenrieder
A Sugar Babe
Babbles ... viciously: I am a vivacious, slender, curvy, big-breasted beauty of 25 years, who always has older men panting after me, drooling like Great Danes with a Milk-Bone, and slobbering all over themselves like English bulldogs (less the manners) at the mere thought of getting into my panties. You'd think older guys, like the ones in Isaiah Thompson's October 18 cover story, "Sugar Daddies," never saw a pair of tits in their lives.
The problem is twofold: I am not a whore at any price and/or for anything. And if they keep fucking one after another and another ... of these fortune-hunting harlots, their big dicks are going to shrivel up and fall off, and they will die a miserable death from AIDS.
Sugar daddies or dickheads? Only the little brain knows.
And watch your words: We sure appreciate Arielle Castillo's insightful October 11 Suicide Blonde column, "Feast Your Ears," especially since she wasn't even born when we were sweating our asses off playing in now-long-dead Miami clubs in front of 25 people. I guess her reference to us ripping off the Buzzcocks was intended to make people think she knew something about the music of that era. But we fucking didn't even know who the Buzzcocks were when we wrote "Mary Mary" (which was 1979).
If her reference to "technical deficiency" related to the quality of our recordings, then she might have a point. We recorded everything in our homes on ancient four-track equipment ... you know, punk rock do-it-yourself artistic integrity! If she was referring to our ability to play our instruments, then she just doesn't know what she's talking about. Chris Cottie (RIP) was the most technically advanced drummer I have ever played with, and the O'Brien brothers were and still are consummate guitar players.
We will be playing in South Florida in the coming months if Ms. Castillo cares to find out what genuine we-don't-care-if-you-like-us-or-not punk rock sounded like ... before MTV ever existed.
Kenny Lindahl, bassist, The Eat
Watch out, overweight gas guzzlers!: Geez! "Ban Those Bags" (October 11) by Tamara Lush was great. But she left out some of the more interesting background details relating to Commissioner Marc Sarnoff's attempt to legislate plastic bags to the dustbin of oblivion. Take Robert, the "portly" man, from Montana, known in the Miami metro area as the Notorious P.I.G. Graciously Ms. Lush circumvented the obvious: Robert is a fat, disgusting pig effusing a pure white-trash aura. We can only imagine the immeasurable beauty of his "blond companion," Siliconia. With an ass wider than a mobile home and weighing in at 1.12 tons, Robert represents at least one of three kinds of people who drive piggymobile SUVs: (1) selfish, vulgar, energy-guzzling scumbags whose only consideration is themselves, (2) the self-respectless with rear ends so wide and girths so great they can't fit into a car, (3) big-booty spoiled-brat bimbos who are so distracted by dialing their cell phones that they are sure to cause an accident.
Another indication Robert is a troglodyte: He shops at Coconut Grove's Fresh Market, the runnerup for this year's "Consumer Rip-Off Retailer" award. Considering that some retailers would prostitute their own children for a few extra bucks, it is futile to ask these stores to do anything that might reduce their bottom lines by an inconsequential amount. It's too bad some of these wind-whipped plastic bags don't end up over the heads of these apathetic turds, suffocating them like their apathetic insouciance is suffocating us. Finally, Robert is operating his SUV illegally by not registering his vehicle in Miami-Dade County, as required by Florida law. His new tag should read SCUMBAG.
We live among a majority of imbeciles. Do you think Publix gives a single hoot about anyone or anything in Miami, other than its bottom line? Not likely. Being the monopoly it is, arrogance, corporate snobbery, and social defiance is its philosophical modus operandi.
If Publix really cared, there wouldn't be a single plastic bag in any of its stores (or littering the streets and shores of Miami). One might think a corporate entity in such a position would take some initiative and help Commissioner Sarnoff in his admirable quest for a better quality of life.
Complacent, stubborn Americans are their own worst enemies. It's just a matter of time before they fall victim to their own negligence. Their children will pay. If only they would pull their heads from their butts, make an effort to change their habits (my kids are in charge of the "no-plastic-bag detail," so they will care), and bag the careless attitude, the world would be a better, more progressive place.
Lots of Exclamation Points
Via Web commentary
Right is relative when it comes to these workers: Lee Klein's October 4 review, "The Ethical Burrito," lauded Chipotle Mexican Grill for providing delicious, healthy, and good-for-the-environment fare as part of the chain's "Food with Integrity" commitment — a very admirable position for a restaurant to take. What this commitment and the article leave out, however, is justice.