Down with the Brown

Today Kercher claims TMC fields hundreds of e-mails each month from reviewers all over the world. His hometown of Miami has a special place on the site, though.

Churchill's, located at 5501 NE Second Ave., receives zero for cleanliness and one roll overall. TMC warns patrons to beware of three things: "Don't eat the food, don't wander too far, and don't crap."

Manni White, a lanky, weathered creature in a grubby white T-shirt, fell through the doorway of the bathroom on a recent Tuesday evening while fumbling for his car keys. "I'd rather take my chances behind the bushes," he joked. "I fucking love this place, but they're right — don't take a crap there; something might reach up and bite your ass."

An equally inebriated Peter Bates was quick to defend the beloved watering hole: "If they start making everything posh, the place wouldn't be same," he jibed. "If you don't like it, don't use it. The liquor is cheap — who cares about the loo?"

Lincoln Road's Van Dyke Café, on the other hand, reaps a three-roll rating, an almost craptastic score. According to CQ: "Restrooms are well appointed and private," complete with "handicrapping, accessible by using an elevator."

"The bathrooms are very clean, yes," noted Consuela, a patron who not-so-gracefully declined to give New Times her surname. "But I don't think I want to discuss what I did in there. Some things a lady likes to keep to herself."

Among the city's highest-ranked crappers are the facilities at Doral Golf Resort and Spa (a Marriott Resort), which boasts an overall four-roll rating, and North Miami Beach's Ale House, which comes up slightly behind with a three and a half.

"How can you beat good food, cold beer, and clean and private crappers?" TMC asks. "No more needs be said."