Kicking and Screaming

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More About

• David Beckham
• Drew Barrymore
• United Soccer Leagues
• Soccer
• Software Operating Systems

Did you know that Miami got a new professional soccer team just last year? They’re called Miami FC, and they play in the United Soccer Leagues. I see you are reacting with indifference. Well, we think we’ve figured out how to get you into soccer. It’s not David Beckham. It’s senseless hatred! While Americans associate soccer with minivans, in the outside world it’s imbued with a psychopathic loathing that makes the Miami/UF rivalry look like a romantic comedy starring Drew Barrymore. And while it’s hard to get riled up over teams with names like the Montreal Impact and the Rochester Raging Rhinos, it is possible. Take this week’s clash with the Seattle Sounders. Just look at those flannel-wearing, latte-sipping cloud-watchers! Who do they think they are, building our airplanes and programming our operating systems? Pelt them! Pelt them with batteries!
Fri., April 27, 8 p.m.