Did you know that Miami got a new professional soccer team just last year? Theyre called Miami FC, and they play in the United Soccer Leagues. I see you are reacting with indifference. Well, we think weve figured out how to get you into soccer. Its not David Beckham. Its senseless hatred! While Americans associate soccer with minivans, in the outside world its imbued with a psychopathic loathing that makes the Miami/UF rivalry look like a romantic comedy starring Drew Barrymore. And while its hard to get riled up over teams with names like the Montreal Impact and the Rochester Raging Rhinos, it is possible. Take this weeks clash with the Seattle Sounders. Just look at those flannel-wearing, latte-sipping cloud-watchers! Who do they think they are, building our airplanes and programming our operating systems? Pelt them! Pelt them with batteries!
Fri., April 27, 8 p.m.