Crime Calendar

If itís strange and illegal, this must be Miami

Crime does not have to be awful. It can be a delightful diversion — that is, if you're not the victim.

And in Miami there's plenty. Police document it every day — in methodical yet desultory snippets of doggerel that can make the timid blanch and the jaded rage.

Though murders get the most play, robbery and burglary are popular. Just in the city of Miami, officers file nearly 10,000 of these reports per year, and many are sent to the media. They're rarely seen, usually branded irrelevant to the big news. But they are public record.

During the past three years, while studying these documents for the Biscayne Boulevard Times, I have developed a symbiotic relationship with victims, criminals, and the police who file these sometimes grammatically challenged reports. They suffer, break the law, and make the busts. I poke fun at all of them.

The criminals in the reports boast nicknames like Bow or Pelé. Over the years, police have detailed stolen "fag pouches" and included comments such as "Defendant was drunk as fuck." Prostitutes have reacted with indignation to veiled accusations by saying, "I'm not a whore, I'm a hair dresser." Then there was the man named "Monique" who robbed and attempted to shoot up a Biscayne Boulevard motel, declaring, "I'm going to smoke you bitches."

The following items are some of the best of 2006.

Raw Meat Between Woman's Legs Raises Concern
1150 NW 55th St.
January 9

Defendant removed two packages of chopped meat from the frozen food section at a Winn-Dixie supermarket and strategically placed them between her legs. She then began to walk past the cash register, but the astute cashier noticed a curiously large "bulge" and that she was wincing, likely as a result of the cold carne. Suspect ignored the cashier's warnings and waddled out the front door. She was apprehended by another employee, who removed the stolen grub. It is unknown if the meat was returned to the freezer for resale or held as evidence.

Missing Beer Sparks Police Inquiry
2600 block of Biscayne Boulevard
February 26

Harried police, investigating a possible break-in and robbery at a place of business, found a dejected man named "Mr. Caceres," who seemed extremely depressed. He reported that he was the business owner and that he had discovered a beer missing from his refrigerator. He inexplicably called police and, unbelievably, they responded. The tipsy victim said he had closed-circuit TV and offered to give police the video "in a couple of days." Later he admitted there was no video. The case was closed, and the missing beer remains a soggy mystery. In fairness to Mr. Caceres, the lost bottle wasn't a cheapie; it was imported.

Topless Woman's Vodou Enrages Neighbor
NE 77th Street and Fifth Avenue
March 3

A man named Curtis Walton allegedly barged into his downstairs neighbor's apartment and began choking a woman. Apparently she had created a vodou doll in the man's image. As he choked her, the defendant screamed, "Why is my girl doing vodou to me? I know what you are doing, and you better stop!" She struggled to speak, and warned him that she was going to call the police. This scared off Walton. The victim later accompanied officers to his home and made a positive ID when he opened the door. Defendant was arrested. On a side note, the police report states the victim was topless the whole time, wearing only bottoms: hospital scrubs.

Pervert's Masturbating Spooks Homeowner
1700 block of SW Fourth Street
March 8

Victim arrived home at the end of the workday and noticed something was amiss. He had closed the shades that morning, but they were now open. He looked through his front window and was stunned to see a stranger inside his living room ... sexually pleasing himself. Rather than interrupt, the homeowner called police. But the perpetrator, having seen the victim, ceased his activity and vacated the home. Sexual Battery Unit was notified and set up a perimeter around the area. A Mr. Sepero was later arrested. Because the suspect had left the scene prematurely, police were unable to collect DNA evidence.

Pathetic Excuse for a Getaway Car
225 NE 34th St.
March 14

A suspicious woman tried to pry open the door to an office suite. Security guards watched on videotape and hurried to the scene. The woman dropped her screwdriver and ran to the main lobby, exiting through the front doors. By chance, a Miami-Dade Metrobus had stopped nearby, so the panicked defendant jumped in and rode north on Biscayne Boulevard. The building manager chased the errant bus and called police on his cell phone. Officers were able to stop the vehicle on NE 54th Street. Thankfully Miami's capricious construction gave the lawmen time to nab the prowler.

Unwelcome Deposit
Address withheld
March 16

A female victim was awakened by a sound in the middle of night and was horrified to see a twentysomething male stranger standing at the foot of her bed. She screamed, and the intruder covered her mouth, threatening to kill her if she persisted. Victim did not see a weapon, but the man's pants were down and he was clearly enthusiastic. Within seconds, he finished his nasty deed on the victim's pelvis. He told her to count to ten as he fled the scene. To add insult to violation, he took several tchotchkes on his way out. Sexual Battery Unit was notified, and a bulletin was sent out, but there were no arrests. Unfortunately the tchotchkes remain at large.

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