By Jacob Katel
By Laurie Charles
By Nate "Igor" Smith
By Abel Folgar
By Kat Bein
By Jacob Katel
1. Match the erstwhile retiree, i.e. Jigga and Stallone, to his middle name:
2. To which upcoming project did Coldplay's Chris Martin make the biggest contribution?
A. Jay-Z's Kingdom Come(out November 21), for which he adds vocals on the foreboding "Beach Chair."
B. Sly Stallone's Rocky Balboa, for which the song "Fix You" was an interminable source of inspiration. I mean, shit "When you try your best but you don't succeed/When you get what you want but not what you need" that's a Rocky screenplay right there.
3. Which project most unapologetically and ridiculously exploits "technology"?
A. Rocky Balboa. The climactic final fight hinges on a "computer simulation" pitting virtual Rocky against the virtual current champ. You can e-mail Sly Stallone with comments. He's got Internet now, did you hear? Also a fax machine. And a ColecoVision.
B. Kingdom Come. Pharrell produces a track. Pharrell has no musical talent beyond owning a computer.
4. On which project is Lauryn Hill's presence most felt?
A. Kingdom Come, wherein Jigga does his best to acknowledge, pay homage to, and then cold rip off Ms. Hill on "Lost One."
B. Rocky Balboa, because the sheer lunacy of the 60-year-old Mr. Stallone thinking he can sell a Rocky with "calcium deposits in [his] joints" approximates Ms. Hill's own meltdown.
5. "I think there's still some stuff left in the basement." To which project does that statement apply?
A. Kingdom Come. Jay-Z is referring to the basement in the house built by the Lafayette Afro Rock Band's "Darkest Light," provenance of the sax line in both Kingdom Come's "Show Me What You Got" and Wreckx-N-Effect's "Rump Shaker."
B. Rocky Balboa. Rocky says this to Pauly, referring to the 6.3 pounds of undigested red meat in his bowels.
6. Who indulges the most shameless metaphor?
A. Jay-Z, comparing a hypothetical future deluge of haterade surging his way to levees breaking on "Trouble."
B. Stallone, for writing, directing, and starring in what amounts to a two-hour-long metaphor for Viagra.