Formula for a Reggaeton Video

Some misled souls out there are trying to do something "creative" with their reggaeton videos. They're shooting them in locales outside Puerto Rico (Tito El Bambino) and getting artsy via grainy montages of Latin culture (Don Omar). What a shame, after they had the perfect reggaeton video down to a science. To help steer the up-and-coming artists of the genre, I have compiled a list of rules proven to make their videos hits. (We're going beyond the jewels and the girls.)

1. Use technology. Anything from cell phones and PDAs to plasma screens must be prominently displayed in your video. The more, the better. Don't worry if you've never used any of these things before. If there is any way to simultaneously use a Bluetooth earpiece, talk on a cordless phone, and change the channel on a plasma TV set while stroking a young hottie who is text-messaging you, then do it.

2. Demonstrate your motor skills. People want a glimpse of who you, their favorite star, really are. What do you do in your free time? Who are you dating? Can you drive? Give the people what they want: Get behind the steering wheel of a car you have to return to its real owner once the cameras stop rolling. No one should see you in the 1983 Nissan Maxima you own. No one.

3. Show your lady taking a bubble bath. What, she doesn't take bubble baths in full regalia? I find it soothing to soak in a bubble bath while wearing full makeup, diamond jewelry, and a coiffed hairdo. Who wants to see a real woman balancing on one leg, plucking and shaving in her cramped bathroom? A girl luxuriating in a bubble bath is a must if you want to be taken as a serious reggaeton artiste, preferably if she is talking to you on her cell phone while you're driving.

Now why would anyone want to deviate from that?