Thrilla in the Hood

Next Tuesday's election is particularly critical to Miami-Dade County Commission District 2, which stretches from the City of Miami to North Miami Beach. The 102,000 inhabitants suffer from too much violent crime, too little business, and squalid homes. It's currently represented by Commissioner Dorrin Rolle, who was appointed by Gov. Lawton Chiles in 1998. His only major opponent is three-term state Rep. Phillip Brutus.

It's gonna be an old-school, kick-ass throwdown. To determine how these paragon pols would handle the job, consider their prodigious achievements:

Rolle:

As chief executive of the James E. Scott Community Association (JESCA), he developed Roving Leaders, a school for inner-city youths. Cool. Unfortunately the place is rated D — almost the worst grade possible. And most students just don't show up.

Rolle earns $55,000 a year in perks as a county commissioner and an annual $167,528 as president and chief executive of the storied JESCA. He's rich. Cool again. Unfortunately he's a crummy financial manager. In 2004 JESCA overdrew its bank accounts by $339,299.

Oh yeah. Back in 2002 he nudged Miami-Dade Police to provide security at a JESCA-sponsored reggae concert. Way cool, mon. But he had to pay a $750 fine for abusing his elected position.

Brutus:

In 1998 he scrapped with longtime political rival Joe Celestin over who was a better soccer player. Witnesses claim one kicked the other. Five years later, though, Brutus killed language in a state bill to rename a portion of NW 125th Street after Celestin. That's so ghetto.

He has the guts to serve in Tallahassee with his ex-wife, state Rep. Yolly Roberson. We love a guy who can put up with his ex. But then there's the small matter of child support for their fourteen-year-old daughter. Yolly says big Phil owes $28,000. How do you say deadbeat in Kreyol?

In past elections, he has raised beaucoup d'argent — big campaign bucks. But in 2000 he racked up $3553 in fines from the Florida Elections Commission for late filing of campaign reports. Can any damn candidate in this district balance a checkbook?

So with the utmost seriousness, and having accepted huge bribes from both candidates, New Times recommends ... absolutely nobody. On September 5, you're better off staying home.