Fish Swastika!

Tired togs, garbage, and fascism all around but not a drop of alcohol to drink

So The Bitch called a fashionista friend of hers — Coral Gables couturier René Ruiz — to divine what the hell is going on in maledom.

Ruiz immediately sighed, "It's ridiculous!" and confirmed that, yes, the uniform is the scourge of Miami.

The designer first began detecting it following the Miami Vice craze of the Eighties. "A reaction to Sonny Crockett," he hypothesizes. Tired of unconstructed blazers with fuchsia T-shirt and dress shoes without socks, Miami guydom began moving to jeans and oxfords. And then, Ruiz says, evolution stopped. "It's easy. You don't have to think."

Most ridiculous about the uniform is its cost. Wranglers won't do. These are uncreative yet label-conscious men. The jeans — from Banana Republic and Diesel to Dolce & Gabbana — can fetch $900. "Even for jeans with holes!" says Ruiz. "If I could figure out an alternative, I would be a rich man."

In the meantime, Ruiz is content to help any would-be uniform shedders at his atelier at 262 Miracle Mile. "At least you'll have a nice shirt that fits right," offers Ruiz. "These shirts are too baggy."

Another Ritz-Carlton Rip-off

The Bitch doesn't get out to the Ritz-Carlton on Key Biscayne too often, gas prices being what they are and The Bitchmobile barely running and all. In fact it's fair to say The Bitch's economic situation often prevents her from paying the $1.25 toll to get onto the island, much less the valet fee at the hotel.

But the lure of the sea and alcohol is undeniable — which recently drew The Bitch to the Ritz-Carlton's "Tequila Sunsets," a Wednesday, Thursday, and Sunday happy hour that supposedly features two-for-one margaritas and draft beer specials at the hotel's Cantina Beach bar. This past Sunday, she arrived around 5:30 p.m. with a pack that quickly settled on beachside settees, enjoying the illusion of being rich and different.

But a surly server seemed unaware of "Tequila Sunset." The Bitch — embarrassed at having hauled a few broke-ass canines to the Key with promises of cheap liquor and cut-rate opulence — persisted, at which point the refusenik said, "We used to do that." More bitching and the waiter went to ask a manager. When he came back, he said they were canceling happy hour "because of the weather."

The sky did look a little dark — because by that time it was gettingdark, not getting ready to rain. And what sense does it make to leave the Cantina open and just cancel the specials?

"It's still happening as far as I know," says Ritz-Carlton spokeswoman Michelle Sanchez. "That's an ongoing event."

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