Are You Still Here?

Vespertine Icelandic elf Björk had a big time at Winter Music Conference in South Beach on March 25 and made the scene at Mynt, among other places. She bounced up and down on Mynt's sofas while downing vodka cranberries as DJ Pasha Ibiza spun but looked on nervously. Björk screamed at the assembled crowd, which included producer Nelly Hooper, to "save the manatees — Florida's aquatic mammals!" After she closed down Mynt at 4:00 a.m., the revelry moved to Mynt owner Roberto Caan's Miami Beach apartment, where the partying paramour of artist Matthew Barney joined Felix da Housecat as he spun old-school disco tunes. The costume-loving songstress performed an impromptu concert in Caan's living room. Suddenly ducks, swans, and geese appeared on the balcony.

Beware, My Pony Canyon Ranch is the Tucson-based, health-oriented resort where those stressed by too much wealth and fame go to detox, camp, and be in the sun — in other words, a place The Bitch avoids at all costs. Recently the expanding spa has been busily eviscerating the historic Carillon Hotel at 6901 Collins Ave. in Miami Beach, with the intention of offering its Arquitectonica/David Rockwell-designed interior spaces as pricey permanent residences for the abstinence-inclined.

Showing The Bitch around an outdoor spa area, Marcia Martinez, a ranch rep via Zakarin PR, handed the bitch a frosty beverage. "These are mocktails made with infusions of organic fruit, purified artisanal water, no salt, no sugar, and no caffeine," explained Martinez. The Bitch clutched an authentic Canyon Ranch meditation pillar engraved with the word feed as she reeled in horror. "But," Martinez continued, "there's a little bit of extra-pure organic vodka in yours."

This happened March 31 at a reception for Manhattan clothing designer Zac Posen. While most of the guests snuck off for snacks, Posen forced a gloveful of fans to endure a three-hour outdoor screening of Auntie Mame, a film he claims is his favorite sartorial inspiration. As The Bitch chugged her vodka and avoided the screen, Miami thread-carrier Julian Chang chatted on his cell phone, oblivious to both Posen and the projection of Mame. Guess he's not a fan.

A party this past Friday celebrating the nighttime opening of the Gulfstream Park thoroughbred racing complex at 901 S. Federal Hwy. in Hallandale Beach (about a hundred feet north of the Miami-Dade County line) featured none of the horses The Bitch had eagerly raced to the rail to spot — not beloved track star Funny Cide, who last appeared at Gulfstream in February, nor up-and-comer Babaro, who won the park's Florida Derby on Saturday. Instead Univision singer Sassi bawled out some tunes in the winner's circle while a crowd pushing the white-shoe-before-Memorial-Day-issue milled about, scarfing down mojitos, champagne, ceviche, and (a delightful addition to any evening) freshly grilled arepas.

Upstairs in the clubhouse The Bitch spotted nightlife careerist Tommy Pooch staring at a buffet table of swordfish, lobster, lamb, and salmon as if he'd never seen food before.

The refurbished Gulfstream décor is surprisingly and comfortingly old-school racetrack, with simulcasts of the action at Belmont, Saratoga, and Santa Anita as well as nearby Calder. The crowd of about 1000 on Friday was congenial enough.

So what about the ponies? "There will in fact be horseracing, I believe in the evening," Megan Quitoni, a park spokeswoman through Harrison & Shriftman, added.

Effective Immediately From the MAEX Newsletter delivered this week to The Bitch: "Miami Art Exchange has also relocated to downtown Fort Lauderdale. Thank you."