Hypnotic License

Lee hopes his site, which has received 30,000 hits since it launched last month, will one day look like Tew's — packed to the point of psychedelia with brightly colored ads. Well, so far seventeen women have registered for the free-breast sweepstakes and posted their photos and testimonies on the BuyMyBreasts "Contestants" page — a virtual pageant of boob-obsessed misery.

"For the last five years it's all I've thought about," writes one Canadian hopeful of her saggy set. "My husband works sixteen hours per day to make our life possible and to live in our dream house," carps a Florida woman. "I need to look better so I can go to work also."

So far, though, Lee has sold only two spots, and those at discount rates. (The larger of the pair, an 800-pixel block, went for $250 to RichJerk.com, a site that features this message on its homepage: "Let's get something straight. I am a jerk. I am obnoxious. I am lazy. And I don't care, because I am FILTHY RICH.")

But Lee says it's too soon too despair. "Every day there are people who are clicking on 'Buy Pixels' and not following through with the order process," he explains. "It's just a matter of time until people start taking that next step."

Paradise Now
Only Miami could support a creature as ephemeral as Oscar Romero, an enchanting hair-and-makeup artiste The Bitch encountered at some fabulous soiree or another. Romero, a Nicaraguan native and proprietor of Oscar International, is heartwarmingly earnest in his desire to convey the magnitude of his celebrity clients: "Okay, you wanna know about Spanish celebrities or English?" Both, please.

As it turns out, the list is not quite as especial as the photo on Oscar's business card (wherein the artist, dinner-plate belt buckle gleaming, smiles enthusiastically under a Flock of Seagulls coif while pointing both fingers at the camera six-gun-style). But he has done work for Thalia and often beautifies Univision's on-air talent. "I do a lot of fashion shows, as well," he crows. "I have every week supermodels!" Proof of Oscar's glamorous life is on his Website, www.oscarintl.net, where the "Celebrities" page doubles as a kind of South Beach Where's Waldo?. Each photo shows a celebrity or celebrities (Julio Iglesias, Celia Cruz, Enrique Iglesias) accompanied by Oscar, wearing various guises, from checkered zoot suit to bright red cowboy regalia.

Destroy the Heart
Valentine's Day is fine in moderation. The Bitch is content to receive, say, a nice platinum dog tag in a blue Tiffany box. But overwrought displays are out of order. One such instance of excess caught The Bitch's immediate attention. Chichi o-R-o Restaurant on Alton Road in Miami Beach is offering a very special diamond-and-caviar dinner for two. The evening will begin with a chauffeur-driven ride to the restaurant in a 2006 Rolls Royce Phantom. There a personal server will greet the lucky pair curbside and whisk them off to one of the restaurant's luxurious white ostrich-skin banquettes for a chilled bottle of Perrier Jout rosé. Then they will be served Petrossian Iranian imperial "special reserve persicus" caviar out of a friggin' crystal Fabergé egg. After feasting on oysters Rockefeller, jumbo stone crabs, and three-pound Maine lobster Thermidor, they will, um, climax with a five-tiered dessert made by Cake Designs by Edda.

Guests will want to slice into that confection carefully, because a $75,000 yellow-gold-and-diamond ring will be nestled inside. The cost for all of this fabulousity? A cool $82,000.

This insanely flamboyant evening was the brainchild of hospitality superstar George Slover. He's pulled this kind of stunt before. "I was previously with the Ritz-Carlton South Beach, and I did this last year — I think it cost $22,000. There was such a tremendous response to this, so much press and attention, I actually did sell the item last year. Shaquille O'Neal bought it for his wife Shaunie," the fast-talking restaurateur explained. The Bitch had to ask Slover, did he honestly expect to, you know, actually make this ridiculous reservation? "To be honest with you, I do it more to convey the energy of South Beach. And the majority of the proceeds actually go to the jeweler, not the restaurant. Then there's the car and the driver and the insurance and the butler and everything ... so it's not really about making money for my restaurant," Slover said.

"So, George," The Bitch asked, "when you came up with this, were you just laughing the whole time at how ostentatious this is?"

Slover was quick to respond: "I don't even think the word ostentatious! I just think of whatever extravagant, over-the-top thing I can think of.... There are some people in this community who live a very excessive life, so I play to that kind of person. The people who are driving around in their Bentley with their bodyguards, I play towards that. Heck, maybe it's a dream that someone is gonna buy something like that for me!" the witty proprietor responded.

"Well, you never know," The Bitch laughed.

"I think I have a better chance of someone buying me a cocktail," Slover retorted with a note of charming self-depreciation.