By Chuck Strouse
By Scott Fishman
By Terrence McCoy
By Ryan Yousefi
By Ciara LaVelle, Kat Bein, Carolina Del Busto, and Liz Tracy
By Pepe Billete
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By Kyle Swenson
Shaq: And these young men have cost taxpayers. Mama couldn't nail her own bad seeds, so Governor Jebbie Bush had to appoint a special prosecutor in at least one case.
Dave:Shaqster, I am so happy you brought up the guv. He has a brother-and-sister team of his own. Everybody knows that Noelle, his daughter and George W.'s cute little niecey-poo, was arrested after trying to pass a Xanax prescription in 2002 then spent ten days in jail for having a crack rock in her shoe. But what you might not have gleaned is that her brother, 21-year-old John Ellis Bush, was collared this past September 16 in Austin, Texas, for public intoxication and resisting arrest. He pushed a cop who was trying to cuff him. Later Jebbie Jr. pleaded no contest to a public drunkenness charge.
Shaq:I'm not so hot on this one, Dave. Jebster II most definitely did not make it easy for law enforcement. I sure hope the judges don't give this pair the award. (Just then, a large chunk of concrete from the wall plunges onto the stage. Clearly $446 million well spent.)
Dave:We're bringing down the house, Shaq.
Shaq:Yes we are. Reminds me of the old days when this building was a Sears which brings us to the final hopeful. Carlos Alvarez, Jr., son of the former county police director and current county mayor, has an oldie but goodie. Back in 1995, when his daddy was nearing the top of the law enforcement ladder, then eighteen-year-old Carlitos pleaded guilty to sexually assaulting three women and terrorizing several more.
He threatened one young girl with a gun if she didn't show him her breasts, and exposed himself to another. Then this big fella he's 6-4 and 300 pounds pulled a knife on a twenty-year-old Rollerblader and forced her to give him a blowjob. And he tried to kidnap another girl on a bus bench at knifepoint before finally forcing two kids from Killian High and Arvida Middle ages fourteen and sixteen into his car and sexually assaulting them while holding a knife.
Dave:Yup, and all this from the son of the guy who was once the county's most important cop and is now its number one elected official. You know what young Mr. Alvarez said to the middle-schooler? "I don't want to hurt you. I just want to have fun." He sure is a fun-lover.
Shaq:He looks good too. According to his prison record, the mayor's kid is covered with tattoos. One on his stomach says, "Latin Bad Boy," and another on his left arm shows a skull man holding a meat cleaver.
Dave:Those are all of our contestants, Shaq.
Shaq:They're all worthy. And they prove that Miami-Dade has changed from the old days. It's much better now. I mean, we used to indict only the politicians. Now there's a whole new generation.
Dave:The envelope, please.
(A shapely young thing clad only in a diaper and a burglar mask walks out onstage. She hands Dave the envelope and disappears.)
Dave: Our winner is ... Carlos Alvarez, Jr. (The band again strikes up the first few notes of "There She Is, Miss America" ... before the speakers detonate.) He receives an all-expense-paid run for the Florida Senate. Campaign workers, TV ads, bribes for poll workers, the whole shebang. Congrats to young Carlos. (The crowd explodes into applause, confetti drops from the ceiling, and several stage lights plummet to the floor.)
Shaq: Hold on. HOLD ON! (Everyone's quiet.) He can't make it.
Dave: Why would that be?
Shaq: He's in year twelve of an eighteen-year sentence.
Staff writer Trevor Aaronson contributed to this report