By Jacob Katel
By Laurie Charles
By Nate "Igor" Smith
By Abel Folgar
By Kat Bein
By Jacob Katel
Jesus: Ascended Karn Hattin in Galilee to deliver his Sermon on the Mount, telling the decent-size crowd, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God." Since that time, the world has been embroiled in an endless procession of wars, persecution, and genocide much of which has been undertaken in Jesus's name.
Bono: Ascended the foothills of Colorado to the Red Rocks Amphitheatre during a torrential downpour, where in front of a sold-out crowd he waved a huge white flag to dramatically symbolize the need for a peaceful resolution to the troubles in Northern Ireland. Twenty years later, the IRA is all but dissolved, and a permanent state of calm seems to have taken hold in Northern Ireland.
Jesus: Turned water into wine.
Bono: Turned lousy prose by Salman Rushdie into a good song ("The Ground Beneath Her Feet").
Jesus: Clashed with the Pharisees, condemning them as self-righteous and hypocritical, and engaged in contentious meetings with them, after which the Pharisees hated him even more.
Bono: Met with ultraconservative Republican senators Jesse Helms, Rick Santorum, and Orrin Hatch to discuss solutions to the global AIDS crisis, after which Helms called Bono "an enormously impressive gentleman."
Jesus: Multiplied loaves of bread and some fish to feed 5000 people at Tabgha.
Bono: Through countless charitable organizations, speaking engagements, and benefit concerts, has labored to multiply the amount of food and monetary donations sent to Africa, which has helped feed millions.
Jesus: Raised Lazarus from the dead.
Bono: Raised U2 from the dead after the Popmart tour debacle.
Winner: Jesus, by the slightest of margins
Jesus: During his lifetime, had only a small contingent of loyal supporters.
Bono: Has already amassed untold millions of loyal fans, selling nearly 150 million albums and regularly packing gigantic stadiums around the world.
Jesus: Crucified just once by the Romans for blasphemy.
Bono: Crucified countless times by rock critics, comedians, former fans, and Henry Rollins for pomposity.
Overall winner: Bono*
*This is meant purely as satire and should provide no grounds for Bono's ego to grow any larger.