Coheed and Cambria

Coheed and Cambria's latest, Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV, Vol. 1: From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness, is just the latest in a sci-fi soap opera played out across the New York emo-prog-metal quartet's previous three albums. Not since Finnegans Wake had a fictional narrative so pretzeled my brain. Desperate for understanding, I loaded the albums into my iPod and brought it to some of the planet's brightest minds, hoping they could unlock the convoluted epic's secrets. I flew to England, where I played each magnum opus for renowned physicist Stephen Hawking. "I just don't get it," he lamented, despair pouring through his voice synthesizer.

I next ascended a towering Himalayan peak, where I found a wizened guru. "Enlighten me about the saga of Coheed and Cambria," I begged. He listened patiently to the music and then solemnly decreed, "My son, worry not about the tale. Simply lose yourself in the interlocking guitar melodies and wacked-out time signatures, and marvel at the best hard-rock intricacy and bombast this side of Rush and Queensrÿche." Sensing my disappointment as I turned to leave, he whipped out a book from his flowing robes. "Behold, my son, a Good Apollo graphic novel! It reveals all!" he beamed. "Where did you get that?" I gasped, lunging for the tome. "Hot Topic, twenty bucks — get your own, dumb-ass."