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National Features >
Broward-Palm Beach New Times
Sexual Healing
For Florida's sole remaining sex surrogate, love is a many splintered thing.
By Michael J. Mooney
City Pages
Your Friendly Neighborhood War Profiteer
It's not just giant companies cashing in on America's defense industry.
By Jeff Severns Guntzel
The Pitch
Supersizing Sonic
How a throwaway idea at the Barkley ad agency became the "Sonic Guys."
By Justin Kendall
Houston Press
Temples of Tex-Mex
A diner's guide to Texas's oldest Mexican restaurants.
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Excess Hollywood
Continued from page 4
Published on May 26, 2005
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Superhero motifs are prominent in this summer's crop of films, from adaptations such as The Fantastic Four and Batman Begins to the Star Wars finale; meanwhile Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are hired assassins in Mr. and Mrs. Smith, children will dig Madagascar, and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants appeals to the teenage girl market
Subject(s):
FeatureWhy it'll be dreadful: Seriously, read it again. And then rent Coffee and Cigarettes for the Bill Murray scene with the RZA and the GZA. Dreadful. Hardly. Then again, Dead Man does kinda suck.
The Dukes of Hazzard
Starring:
Seann William Scott, Johnny Knoxville, Burt Reynolds, and Jessica SimpsonDirected by: Jay Chandrasekhar (Club Dread)
Written by: Jonathan Davis, John O'Brien, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Erik Stolhanske, and Paul Soter
What it's about: Based on the TV series in which two lovable good ol' boys tool around Hazzard County in their bright orange Dodge Charger, finding trouble at every turn.
Why it'll be fabulous: Chandrasekhar reportedly keeps the proceedings as delightedly mindless as their boob-tube inspiration.
Why it'll be dreadful: Burt as the Duke boys' nemesis Boss Hogg could be the high point of this low-concept fare.
Grizzly Man
Directed by:
Werner HerzogWhat it's about: It's not another Dan Haggerty movie (whew!) but rather a documentary about animal activists who lived with grizzly bears for a time and felt like they were making a connection. Then they were mauled to death.
Why it'll be fabulous: Herzog is a mad genius.
Why it'll be dreadful: Unless you really despise animal activists, it sounds like one hell of a downer.
The Pink Panther
Starring:
Steve Martin, Kevin Kline, Beyoncé Knowles, and Jean RenoDirected by: Shawn Levy
Written by: Len Blum, Steve Martin, Michael Saltzman, and Glen Bloomberg
What it's about: A new take on Peter Sellers's surpassingly incompetent French detective, in which Jacques Clouseau (Martin) tackles a case combining a murdered soccer coach, a priceless diamond, and the usual selection of beautiful women.
Why it'll be fabulous: It takes les grandes balles for Martin to assail the rich life and high art of Inspector Clouseau.
Why it'll be dreadful: Can The Jerk out-bumble Peter the Great? The smart money says non.
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Starring:
Rob Schneider and Eddie GriffinDirected by: Mike Bigelow (a newcomer hired for his surname perhaps)
Written by: Rob Schneider and David Garrett & Jason Ward (Corky Romano)
What it's about: In this sequel to the comedy that introduced the term man-whore into the wider lexicon, Schneider's hapless Deuce is duped into prostituting himself in Amsterdam, where more-experienced hookers are being murdered.
Why it'll be fabulous: The first one was surprisingly amusing.
Why it'll be dreadful: Amusing films are a rarity in the Rob Schneider canon.
Everything Is Illuminated
Starring:
Elijah Wood, Eugene Hutz, and Boris LeskinWritten and directed by: Liev Schreiber
What it's about: In his directorial debut, Schreiber adapts Jonathan Safran Foer's successful novel. Apparently this flick is a comedic drama about a young Jewish American (Wood) in search of the woman who saved his grandfather from the Nazis. The movie poster gives no indication of any of this; it shows Wood with a flower in his mouth and the tagline "Leave Normal Behind."
Why it'll be fabulous: Films in which Elijah Wood goes on a quest that leads him to a barren and hostile land tend to do rather well.
Why it'll be dreadful: Was there really a demand to see Liev Schreiber direct anything?
Asylum
Starring: Ian McKellen, Natasha Richardson, Hugh Bonneville, and Marton Csokas
Directed by: David Mackenzie
Written by: Patrick Marber
What it's about: Stella Raphael (Richardson) is married to Max (Bonneville), a psychiatrist at an asylum for the criminally insane. She becomes infatuated with Edgar Stark (Csokas), a sculptor who mutilated and then murdered his wife -- so of course Stella and Edgar wind up having an affair after he starts working in the couple's asylum-grounds garden. Eventually Edgar escapes to London, Stella follows him, and the poor lad goes bonkers all over again.
Why it'll be fabulous: It's based on Patrick McGrath's best-selling novel, which is chilling, and was penned by Marber, whose Closer ranks a close second when it comes to curdling the blood.
Why it'll be dreadful: Bet you twenty quid it's a bummer -- with an English accent to boot.
Romance & Cigarettes
Starring:
James Gandolfini, Susan Sarandon, Kate Winslet, Steve Buscemi, and Christopher WalkenWritten and directed by: John Turturro
What it's about: Believe it or not, it's a musical. A "savage" one. The plot involves Gandolfini's character, who goes by the name of Murder, having to choose between his wife (Sarandon) and his mistress (Winslet).
Why it'll be fabulous: It's just insane enough to work.
Why it'll be dreadful: Love those actors, but can they sing?
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