By Michael E. Miller
By Ryan Yousefi
By Kyle Munzenrieder
By Sabrina Rodriguez
By Michael E. Miller
By Carlos Suarez De Jesus
By Luther Campbell
By Kyle Munzenrieder
Why it'll be fabulous: Any movie that casts Christopher Walken as a presidential candidate must ipso facto be fabulous.
Why it'll be dreadful: Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson aren't the most picky actors in the world when it comes to scripts.
The Bad News Bears
Starring: Billy Bob Thornton, Sammi Kraft, and Ridge Canipe
Directed by: Richard Linklater (Before Sunset, Dazed and Confused)
Written by: Glenn Ficarra and John Requa, based on the screenplay by Bill Lancaster
What it's about: A broken-down, beer-guzzling Little League Baseball coach (Thornton) takes on a diamondful of hopeless but feisty kids who start to win and, with that, renew the old man's spirit.
Why it'll be fabulous: Thornton has a way of giving an edge to icons. If he can make Santa hip, he can do the same for sandlot ball.
Why it'll be dreadful: It's awfully hard to top 1976's original Bears as a baseball movie -- or as an endorsement of redemption. Sorry, unless the kids shoot steroids, this is bound to seem corny.
Starring: Daniel Brühl, Julia Jentsch, and Stipe Erceg
Directed by: Hans Weingartner
Written by: Weingartner and Katharina Held
What it's about: A trio of anti-capitalist revolutionaries likes to break into houses of rich people and "rearrange" things. When one break-in goes awry, they end up kidnapping the owner.
Why it'll be fabulous: You don't see anticapitalist movies that often nowadays.
Why it'll be dreadful: And the last great German film you saw was?
Starring: Courteney Cox Arquette and James LeGros
Directed by: Greg Harrison (Groove)
Written by: Benjamin Brand
What it's about: A photographer seems to be losing her mind as she repeatedly replays, in her mind, the events that led up to her boyfriend's shooting.
Why it'll be fabulous: It's about time Cox Arquette branched out.
Why it'll be dreadful: Is Cox Arquette capable of branching out?
Directed by: Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette
What it's about: Ostensibly it's about 100 comedians (from Bob Saget to Robin Williams to Gilbert Gottfried to Phyllis Diller) telling the same infamous ribald joke about 100 different ways -- but it's much, much more. It's more like a comedy jam session, during which several generations of stand-ups reveal their technique and approach, using "The Aristocrats" (a joke about a family of would-be performers auditioning for an agent, more or less) as their springboard.
Why it'll be fabulous: Because Sarah Silverman's telling of the joke alone is worth the price of admission. And because you'll remember why you or anyone else thought Gottfried was funny in the first place. And because Saget has the foulest mouth this side of Ashley Olsen. And because the South Park clip kills.
Why it'll be dreadful: It's about twenty minutes too long, but you'll have laughed yourself into a coma by the end, so you won't really mind or even notice.
The Brothers Grimm
Starring: Matt Damon and Heath Ledger
Directed by: Terry Gilliam
Written by: Ehren Kruger
What it's about: A fictionalized fantasy about the German fairy-tale authors, here portrayed as con men who lift fake curses, only to encounter a genuine form of black magic that forces them to deal with things about which they've only written.
Why it'll be fabulous: After Gilliam's aborted Don Quixote effort, The Brothers Grimm sees him back in fantasy mode, which is what he does best.
Why it'll be dreadful: Its release was postponed for a year, as Miramax's Harvey Weinstein tried recutting it. His version then scored lower with test audiences than Gilliam's.
Starring: Jamie Foxx, Jessica Biel, and Josh Lucas
Directed by: Rob Cohen
Written by: Cohen and W. D. Richter (Big Trouble in Little China)
What it's about: After a superadvanced stealth fighter is struck by lightning, the onboard computer takes on a life of its own and decides to initiate the next world war.
Why it'll be fabulous: WarGames meets Short Circuit? How could it not be?
Why it'll be dreadful: Okay, yeah, it's made by the director of xXx and The Skulls, so it might be pretty bad.
Starring: Bill Murray, Sharon Stone, Tilda Swinton, Jessica Lange, and Julie Delpy
Written and directed by: Jim Jarmusch
What it's about: Murray plays Don Johnston (heh), an aging, sweatsuit-sporting lothario who's dumped by his young girlfriend (Delpy) just as he receives news of a twenty-year-old son he never knew. (Shades of The Life Aquatic, but still ... ) Jeffrey Wright (Basquiat) is the pal who convinces Murray to take a trip down Amnesia Lane to see his old lovers, including Stone and Swinton and Lange and other all-stars, and find out if any of them might be the mother.
Why it'll be fabulous: Did you not just read the synopsis?
Why it'll be dreadful: Seriously, read it again. And then rent Coffee and Cigarettes for the Bill Murray scene with the RZA and the GZA. Dreadful. Hardly. Then again, Dead Man does kinda suck.
The Dukes of Hazzard
Starring: Seann William Scott, Johnny Knoxville, Burt Reynolds, and Jessica Simpson
Directed by: Jay Chandrasekhar (Club Dread)
Written by: Jonathan Davis, John O'Brien, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Erik Stolhanske, and Paul Soter