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National Features >
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Sexual Healing
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Excess Hollywood
Continued from page 2
Published on May 26, 2005
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Superhero motifs are prominent in this summer's crop of films, from adaptations such as The Fantastic Four and Batman Begins to the Star Wars finale; meanwhile Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are hired assassins in Mr. and Mrs. Smith, children will dig Madagascar, and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants appeals to the teenage girl market
Subject(s):
FeatureCronicas
Starring:
John Leguizamo, Damian Alcazar, and Alfred MolinaWritten and directed by: Sebastian Cordero (Rodents)
What it's about: An ambitious TV reporter from Miami sets out for Ecuador in search of a serial killer known as the "Monster of Babahoyo."
Why it'll be fabulous: Cordero has an obvious taste for the macabre, and this suspense thriller appears to indulge it again. The violence is said to be both extreme and inventive, and the tension high.
Why it'll be dreadful: If the gore overwhelms, audiences may not stomach this visceral exercise.
Madagascar
Starring:
The voices of Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, David Schwimmer, and Sacha Baron CohenDirected by: Eric Darnell (Antz) and Tom McGrath
Written by: Mark Burton (Spitting Image) & Billy Frolick (It Is What It Is) and Eric Darnell & Tom McGrath
What it's about: A curious zebra (Rock) escapes from the zoo with a lion (Stiller), hippo (Jada Pinkett Smith), and giraffe (Schwimmer). They're caught and shipped off to the wilds of Madagascar. Having been bred in captivity, these animals are out of their league in a natural habitat. Hilarity ensues.
Why it'll be fabulous: The computer-animation style, which looks like weird origami, gives the trailer a unique look.
Why it'll be dreadful: Every single member of the voice cast tends to be an over-the-top scene-stealer, which could get mighty tiresome.
June
The Lords of Dogtown
Starring:
Heath Ledger, Emile Hirsch, and Johnny KnoxvilleDirected by: Catherine Hardwicke (Thirteen)
Written by: Stacy Peralta
What it's about: Another of Peralta's cinematic valentines (this one lightly fictionalized) to the Seventies beach-fun culture in Venice, California.
Why it'll be fabulous: If you didn't get your sun-kissed fill from her Dogtown and Z-Boys and Riding Giants, this may be the summer movie for you.
Why it'll be dreadful: You've more than likely had your fill of her surf-and-skate cheerleader act.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Starring: Amber Tamblyn, Blake Lively, Alexis Bledel, and America Ferrera
Directed by: Ken Kwapis (Dunston Checks In)
Written by: Delia Ephron and Elizabeth Chandler
What it's about: Based on a popular novel by Ann Brashares, this teen-girl flick is the story of four friends whose lives go in separate directions. To keep in touch, they pass around a pair of pants that happens to be a perfect fit for all of them.
Why it'll be fabulous: It has the coolest title of the year by far.
Why it'll be dreadful: One pair of pants that fits four different adolescent girls equally well?
The Honeymooners
Starring:
Cedric the Entertainer, Mike Epps, Gabrielle Union, and Regina HallDirected by: John Schultz (Like Mike)
Written by: Danny Jacobson, Saladin Patterson, Barry W. Blaustein, David Sheffield, and Don Rhymer
What it's about: Hollywood's latest raid on vintage TV: Cedric puts a new ethnic spin on Jackie Gleason's beloved loudmouth Ralph Kramden.
Why it'll be fabulous: Cedric's ability to play blue-collar could send this one to the moon.
Why it'll be dreadful: Nobody can channel the spirit of The Great One. Do you get the feeling you'll pine for the murky black-and-white images and canned laughs that once emanated from your old Philco?
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Starring:
Brad Pitt and Angelina JolieDirected by: Doug Limon (The Bourne Identity)
Written by: Simon Kinberg
What it's about: An unhappy married couple who earn their paychecks as assassins learn they've been hired to kill each other.
Why it'll be fabulous: The Pitt-Jolie twosome should be fun to watch under Limon's fast-action framing.
Why it'll be dreadful: This promises to be a plot-heavy romp that could easily fire blanks.
Batman Begins
Starring:
Christian Bale, Katie Holmes, Morgan Freeman, and Liam NeesonDirected by: Christopher Nolan
Written by: David Goyer (Blade)
What it's about: This relaunching of the moribund franchise tells how Bruce Wayne (Bale) became the Dark Knight after seeing his parents executed in a Gotham City alley. In this version Bruce heads to the Himalayas to train (with Neeson, shades of The Phantom Menace) and returns to Gotham to find a bad city run by a good cop, Jim Gordon (Gary Oldman), and overrun with creepy villains, chief among them The Scarecrow (Cillian Murphy).
Why it'll be fabulous: No Joel Schumacher, no Alicia Silverstone, no Batnipples. Did I mention no Joel Schumacher?
Why it'll be dreadful: Because origin stories are boring, and because the idea of sitting through one more Liam Neeson "training session" is about as appealing as sliding down the Batpole naked.
My Summer of Love
Starring: Nathalie Press, Emily Blunt, and Paddy Considine
Written and directed by: Paul Pavlikovsky (Last Resort), from the novel by Helen Cross
What it's about: A working-class Yorkshire girl (Press) befriends a rich girl (Blunt). Lesbian high jinks ensue. Considine is a born-again ex-con who comes between them.
Why it'll be fabulous: That one shot in the trailer of the two leads in wet underwear. Yeow!
Why it'll be dreadful: It's called My Summer of Love.
Land of the Dead
Starring:
Simon Baker, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper, Asia Argento, and ZOMBIES!Written and directed by: George Romero
What it's about: The creator of Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and Day of the Dead finally gets to make a new big-budget zombie movie, after the mediocre Dawn remake made a pretty penny. Continuing the Romero Dead saga, the film envisions a postapocalyptic world in which humans live in fortified cities while trying to ignore the fact that every place outside their walls is inhabited by flesh-hungry zombies.
Why it'll be fabulous: It's a sequel that's been requested for twenty years -- almost as long as Revenge of the Sith. And Romero is not the kind of director who will go soft.
Why it'll be dreadful: John Leguizamo? Why?
March of the Penguins
Directed by:
Luc JacquetWritten by: Jacquet and Michel Fessler
What it's about: Documentary that follows a year in the life of a flock of emperor penguins at the North Pole.
Why it'll be fabulous: Penguins are well-liked birds, and some of the footage looks amazing.
Why it'll be dreadful: Giving them French voices sounds like a bad idea. Let's hope it's done sparingly and tastefully.
Rize
Starring: Tommy the Clown, Tight Eyez, Swoop, and Big X
Directed by: David LaChappelle
What it's about: Documentary about an up-and-coming style of street dancing called "krumping."
Why it'll be fabulous: Sooner or later, everyone's gonna be doing it, so you might as well get the skinny first.
Why it'll be dreadful: Just to be clear -- David LaChappelle is a fashion photographer, not the comedian who says, "I'm Rick James, bitch!"
War of the Worlds
Starring:
Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning, and Tim RobbinsDirected by: Steven Spielberg
Written by: David Koepp and Josh Friedman, based on the novel by H. G. Wells
What it's about: A family fights for survival amid an invasion of "alien tripod fighting machines."
Why it'll be fabulous: Expect lots of special-effects dazzle in the Close Encounters/Jurassic Park style and more of Spielberg's characteristic empathy for the little guy.
Why it'll be dreadful: Tom Cruise.
July
Rebound
Starring:
Martin Lawrence, Horatio Sanz, Megan Mullally, and Breckin MeyerDirected by: Steve Carr (Daddy Day Care)
Written by: Jon Lucas and Scott Moore
What it's about: A misbehaving college basketball coach (Lawrence) is fired and winds up having to coach a losing middle school team.
Why it'll be fabulous: It could do for Martin Lawrence what School of Rock did for Jack Black. That's clearly the intent anyway.
Why it'll be dreadful: Gee, um, Martin Lawrence?
Undead
Starring:
Mungo McKay, Felicity Mason, and Rob JenkinsWritten and directed by: Michael Spierig and Peter Spierig
What it's about: The small town of Berkeley, Australia, gets infected with Zombie Plague from Outer Space!
Why it'll be fabulous: The lead actor's name is Mungo, and he fights zombies.
Why it'll be dreadful: Conservatives may be disappointed that it isn't Berkeley, California, being destroyed.
Dark Water
Starring:
Jennifer Connelly, John C. Reilly, Pete Postlethwaite, and Ariel GadeDirected by: Walter Salles (The Motorcycle Diaries)
Written by: Rafael Yglesias (From Hell)
What it's about: American remake of Ringu director Hideo Nakata's other movie about a malevolent drowned girl-ghost with hair in her face and the power to manipulate water.
Why it'll be fabulous: The original is one of the scariest movies ever, and Salles is no slouch.
Why it'll be dreadful: Nakata's film came out three years ago, and since then, audiences may have overdosed on that whole long-black-hair-covering-the-face bit. Also both of the Hollywood Ring movies and The Eye cribbed liberally from the original already.
Fantastic Four
Starring:
Michael Chiklis, Jessica Alba, and Julian McMahonDirected by: Tim Story
Written by: Michael France, Simon Kinberg, and Mark Frost
What it's about: Four astronauts -- Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) and sister Sue (Alba), Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd), and Ben Grimm (Chiklis) -- are bathed in gamma rays during an outer-space trip and are transformed, respectively, into the Human Torch, the Invisible Woman, the stretchy Mr. Fantastic, and the hideous Thing. The superhero team, a 44-year-old Marvel Comics institution, battles its armor-clad nemesis Doctor Doom (McMahon). Chaos ensues -- duh.
Why it'll be fabulous: Because Marvel has managed to do the superhero movie thing right with the Spider-Man and X-Men franchises.
Why it'll be dreadful: Then again, The Punisher, Daredevil, Elektra, and Hulk were superawful, and the trailer looks fantastically horrid.
Murderball
Directed by: Henry-Alex Rubin and Dana Adam Shapiro
What it's about: This documentary about quadriplegic rugby players, who manhandle and mangle their opponents from souped-up wheelchairs that look like they were salvaged from a futuristic garbage dump, tells of Team U.S.A.'s struggle to capture the title at the 2004 Olympics.
Why it'll be fabulous: It is fabulous, so much so that when it debuted at the Sundance Film Festival in January, the members of Team U.S.A. were treated like movie-star royalty at every party they attended. And they attended a lot of them. (These guys love to party.)
Why it'll be dreadful: It won't be. Seriously. Don't worry.
Saraband
Starring: Liv Ullmann and Erland Josephson
Written and directed by: Ingmar Bergman
What it's about: A sequel to Bergman's 1973 drama Scene from a Marriage, 30 years on, in which Marianna (Ullmann) and Johan (Josephson) meet again, having had no contact since then.
Why it'll be fabulous: Apparently this guy Bergman has quite the reputation in cinematic circles.
Why it'll be dreadful: Bergman's description of the film is this: "The drama consists of ten dialogues that follow a particular pattern, and it's an attempt at analysis of a difficult situation." Yikes.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Starring:
Johnny Depp, Freddie Highmore, and Helena Bonham CarterDirected by: Tim Burton
Written by: John August
What it's about: Charlie Bucket (Highmore, Depp's Finding Neverland costar) finds one of the golden tickets that allows him to tour the candy factory of demented sweets-maker Willy Wonka (Depp). Also on the treacherous tour are the usual suspects, including Charlie's Grandpa Joe, Veruca Salt, Augustus Gloop, and the Oompa-Loompas.
Why it'll be fabulous: There's no music this time, and Burton promises to go deeper and darker than Mel Stuart did in his 1971 Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.
Why it'll be dreadful: Because as much as we all love Johnny Depp, he ain't no Gene Wilder. And because, alas, "Pure Imagination" is a swell song that will be missed.
Hustle & Flow
Starring:
Terrence Howard, DJ Qualls, Ludacris, and Taryn ManningWritten and directed by: Craig Brewer
What it's about: In the sweaty climes of Memphis, a pimp named Djay (Howard) aspires to hip-hop stardom like his idol Skinny Black (Ludacris). He enlists a scrawny white kid (Qualls) and a heavy-set pal from way back (Anthony Anderson) to record his autobiographical rhymes; meanwhile Djay has to deal with the three prostitutes living with him -- one he kicks out, one he uses to get the equipment he needs, and one he falls in love with. Hope turns to tragedy turns to triumph in the most overwrought, hackneyed hit to come out of Sundance this year.
Why it'll be fabulous: Terrence Howard, also starring in the ensemble drama Crash, is stunning -- worth the price of admission, especially if you can get the early-bird discount.
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