BEST DEFENSE AGAINST TERRORISM P. Diddy When Sean Combs lived in Manhattan during the Nineties, he was beset with 99 problems. P. Diddy had a tempestuous romance with J.Lo and a highly publicized feud with Death Row Records, was accused of severely beating Interscope Records executive Steve Stoute, was present during a shooting in a nightclub, and eventually faced charges for illegal possession of a firearm. In 1997, after a period spent mourning the death of colleague Notorious B.I.G., Combs emerged from seclusion with his most successful album, No Way Out. He won a Grammy. And he moved to Miami Beach. Here he led a quiet and unassuming life until the fall of 2001, when, mistaking him for Public Enemy's uniformed, militant, and subsequently banished Professor Griff, South Florida called upon P. Diddy's familiarity with Islamic fundamentalism and knowledge of firearms and kung fu to protect citizens in treacherous times. P. Diddy manifests his protective schemes in many low-key ways. He came out with a line of so-called urban clothing called Sean John, the bagginess of which conceals its true purpose, that of bestowing upon the wearer the ability to don bulletproof under-gear. He shared the secrets of the video-surveillance company he employs to observe his abode with a local doughnut shop franchise. He even organized a team of specially trained penguins. Note to Homeland Security: Sign this guy up.