The Bitch

Tiffany > Timoney

It is no secret The Bitch is obsessed with the UPN reality series America's Next Top Model. This fascination is based largely on the show's begetting the very best line ever uttered on television -- "That ho poured a beer on my weave!" -- and the fact this exclamation came from a resident of Miami named Tiffany Richardson.

On Episode One of Cycle Three, the runway hopeful got into a bar fight that sent hair and hops flying, and subsequently was sent packing. The Bitch was excited and confident there'd by more such thrills when the lanky tattooed beauty was invited to return this season, and Tiffany didn't disappoint. The 22-year-old single mother frequently clashed with her corn-fed, milquetoast cast members and was often criticized by the show's judges, but she also seemed to be the most down-to-earth of the bunch, quoting from SpongeBob SquarePants and chowing on Popeye's spicy wings. But at the end of last week's episode, Tyra Banks came down hard on Tiffany, rebuking her for a "defeatist" attitude and drinking too much Chardonnay. Don't give up, Tiffany -- Miami still loves you.

Tiffany graciously agreed to visit with The Bitch; here's some of the conversation:

The Bitch: Did you watch the episode in which you got the boot? What were your thoughts?

Tiffany: I was touched by Tyra, and I was a little upset with myself. When I saw me saying, "Oh, I'm humiliated every week," I meant that every week I do something humiliating to myself. Like me getting drunk and puking everywhere, or me dancing wild ... that's what I meant. But it didn't come out that way.

Is Janice the scariest judge?

She is the worst, scariest, most unlikable ... aarrgghh. She is just the worst.

Have you ever had a personal experience with Janice? Like have you sat and talked with her?

I would not want to talk to Janice [makes a noise of disgust]. They don't show everything she says about us.

She's had a rough life as well; you should check out her book.

I saw it! She's evil! I saw a documentary about her. Evil!

[Tiffany is referring to possibly the most entertaining E! True Hollywood Story of all time, Dickinson's.]

Are you still friends with any of the girls from the show?

I'm still friends with them, but I haven't been speaking with them that much. Brandy, everybody knows I love Brandy. Lluvy's great. Michelle, she's cool too. And Rebecca, I love Rebecca. On the show it looks like we really didn't get along, but since we left together, we had a lot of time to talk.

That was kind of crazy that you got kicked off at the same time.

And you know what's crazier? The day before, Rebecca told me: "Tiffany, I had a dream that you and me were the last two standing." And I was like, for real? Boy was she wrong! We were the last two standing, but not for the reason she thought. Rebecca took me with her! And I took her with me.

Are people in Miami giving you a hard time?

Yeah! Everybody is like "Tiffany, I'm mad at you because you were supposed to win! I woulda did this...." You woulda did nothing. You weren't there. You don't know what it's like. It looks so easy. When I watched the second season, I was like, oh, I could do that. Them girls crazy. But it was tough.

Are you going to New York next?

Tyra says that there's so much going on in Miami, on South Beach, I could stay here for now. So for right now, I'm here in Miami, 'cause I love Miami.

Which part of town are you from?

I'm from Opa-locka.

You're going to stay in Opa-locka?!?!

Oh, no! No, no, no. I plan to move, but not right away. I'm not trying to make any big sudden moves, 'cause the people in Opa-locka, they love me. Carol City, 'round that area, they love me. It's all love.

BROCCOLI BLAST

"Why do broccoli, bonsai trees, and solar prominences look alike?" That's what Bitch Astronomy Team member John Stetsonwanted to know after he watched the moon glide in front of the sun and take a bite out of our star April 9. During the solar eclipse earlier this month, sky watchers saw crescent sunsets, rings of fire, and other strange signs of the Apocalpyse, which The Bitch swears is coming soon. See for yourself: Browse the image gallery at Spaceweather.com, which includes photos from the eclipse's path of totality in the remote South Pacific.

PLAGUE DOG

The just-add-water eruption of the St. Mary's Art Districtalong NW 71st Street and NW Second Court in Little Haiti comes with just enough authentic scuzziness and grime to repel, at least for the time being, any pretensions to automatic upscaleness and obnoxious trendoid overload. In fact Saturday's three-installation opening of Damian Rojo's Bag of Teeth and the Faktura and White Vinyl spaces had moments gross and freaky enough to leave even The Bitch with just a Beavis-like "uuhhhhhhh" hanging in the air.

Preparing for the premiere of the back-yard wrestling/film/photography show, Rojo, a red-faced, goateed pillar of sinew dressed in butcher whites, jumped the intense-scary line as he proclaimed "I know you ... I'm very good with faces," while clasping The Bitch's paw so firmly the bones ground. The Bitch (who had never met Damian) extracted herself for a quick peek around the gallery's entrance to verify the existence of the elusive DJ Needle from Beta Bodega Coalition.

Teenage wrestlers still young enough to be more interested in eyeing the unattended keg of beer than a small pack of freshman girls bounded around energetically as the adult art vanguard searched nervously for places to park their Honda CRVs on the block still mostly controlled by mildly peeved Haitians and wandering, curly-tailed feral dogs.

The three-story White Vinyl building, most recently home to a lot of pigeons, is now the lair of Janis Joplin-quoting artist Skip Van Cel. A kind of H. H. Gigeresque concoction of plugs and wires erupted from the gallery's floor. Those would be electrical plugs, not the type visible on the videotape loop projected overhead, which featured a very, very close look at some male anatomical action, complete with squeal-like-a-pig sound effects. The Bitch couldn't even face the parent types who were drifting over from the wrestling event, so averting her eyes to a sports car bearing the contextually disturbing vanity plate "BMW BEAR" and following the aroma of an adjacent Dumpster containing dozens of decomposing rats, she ducked into the relative safety of the Faktura space.

Faktura is also the title of the exhibit, curated by owner Jacquelyn Jackson Johnston, who says her own work is a response to "the overbearing power of media and mass communication." The gallery contains mostly paintings, but The Bitch was extremely impressed with Johnston's rock and roll entourage, who included a very cool punk-rock mom and dressed all in lime green and black leather.

OVER HERD

The name for a collection of ponies is a string or drove, one of a few things The Bitch learned at this past weekend's Miami Beach Polo Cup. The other -- and it's really unbelievable this could happen in South Beach -- is even events ostensibly about and dependent upon animals can easily be adapted to the consumption of large amounts of alcohol and the display of stables of other kinds.

The matches on the sand across from Casa Casuarina were the latest old-money importation device schemed up by Peter Loftin, who owns the former Versace mansion and is determined to burnish its baroqueness into boutique hotel luster. The Bitch is always mistaking Loftin for Virgin Megastore-and-Airlines founder Richard Branson, but Loftin must not mind because he always flashes a cheerful, two-fingered "V" back at her. Ever mindful of The Man, The Bitch was able to avoid aggravating fellow spectator Miami Police Chief John Timoney, no stranger himself to wowing crowds with the force of the horse.

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