The Bitch

Shrinking Eyelets

The four members of Ride were still teenagers when their 1990 album Nowhere created the musical blueprint for romantic, transporting washes of soft-loud guitar feedback subsequently known as shoegazer. Disbanded by 1996, Ride has occasionally re-formed for one-off concerts and enjoys growing retrospective critical adoration.

Mark Gardener, the singer-guitarist for the massively influential band, will play live at PopLife; so The Bitch calls for passionate South Florida scenesters to put down the David Foster Wallace books, TiVo The Station Agent, and come out to I/O this Saturday night for the show.

"Their music has stood the test of time, which in my opinion is the best thing a band can hope to achieve," enthuses PopLife founder Ray Milian. "Don't we all want to see what time does to artists? Do they master and accept their past and move on with the times, or do they just fizzle out? Can they come back from adversity and lost time to reclaim old glory? We shall see."

It's an extra added bonus week as PopLife plays special shows from 5:00 to 6:00 p.m. through Friday on WVUM (90.5 FM). Dance in your car during rush hour just like you were at the club! Can a return to the Internet airwaves by Mr. Alex Caso's Sonic Sound System be far behind? Check out epoplife.com for more information.

Don't Buy a Lottery Ticket, NocturnalThis past March 9 about 8:30 a.m. Miami police responded to a burglary complaint in the city's Eleventh Street nightclub corridor. According to a police department incident report, when Ofcr. Pedro Jesus Llanes arrived on the scene at Nocturnal, the big club that didn't open during Winter Music Conference, he was met by a man who identified himself as Daniel Ethan Dausey, supposedly the club's manager. Llanes noted his "investigation revealed no signs of forced entry" and recorded the absence from Nocturnal of a "sound system worth approximately $50,000."

Who exactly is Dausey? An exhaustive New Times profile of Nocturnal and the team behind it ("Building a Better Nightclub," February 24) included interviews with owner Glenn Kofman, club director Dade Sokoloff, and others, but no mention of Dausey, whose name doesn't appear anywhere in the club's Core Entertainment Group incorporation paperwork either.

Turns out Sokoloff and Dausey have another mutual intersection: the Eleventh Judicial Circuit Court of Florida. Dausey faced charges of possession and sale of cocaine in 1985, felony marijuana possession in 1994, and third-degree grand theft in the same year (for which he was convicted). Sokoloff was charged with burglary of a structure and possession of burglary tools in 1987. (No action was taken in that case.)

True, these cases were adjudicated long ago, and public-records sweeps indicate Sokoloff and Dausey have played it straight in the decade-plus since those incidents occurred. Still the whole thing is just weird. That's all The Bitch is saying.

Sokoloff didn't return calls. A Miami Police Department spokesman said the burglary case is still open and under investigation.

Some White Powder for an Aqua LadyThis past weekend the Miami Herald's Broward "Neighbors" section contained a police blotter story titled "White Powder Scare" about a Pembroke Pines woman who reported a suspicious substance in an envelope that also contained an advertisement for diapers. The Bitch isn't sure how the Aqua Lady is fixed for bodily fluid absorption supplies, but Miami's Only Daily was forced to endure a "white powder scare" of its own.

April 5, The Bitch's Herald homies received the following e-mail from soon-to-depart Miami Herald Publishing Company kingpin Alberto Ibargüen:

Folks,

As you may know, incoming mail to 1 Herald Plaza is opened in a structure separated from the main building. This morning, an envelope containing a powder was received.

We do not have a specific reason for concern, but have nevertheless called the authorities and, to make sure there is no problem, are having the material tested.... The authorities complimented us on our procedures when they took the material for testing, so you should feel good that our safety precautions worked....

When we determine the nature of the substance, we will determine what steps need to be taken. Those steps will be both as to security for our employees and as to prosecution of whoever sent the material.

We'll keep you informed as we know more....

If you have any questions or concerns, please call me ... or Elissa Vanaver....

Thanks for your patience.

Alberto

"I don't see people particularly nervous to tell you the truth," one HH tells The Bitch. "People are not paying attention ... which in my opinion is a little bit normal."

The staffer added some Herald personnel were far more upset that, owing to a production screwup, there was no word of Pope John Paul II's death on the front page of the Sunday, April 3 edition of El Nuevo Herald. The Miami Police Department, initially summoned, has turned the matter over to U.S. Postal Service investigators.

The Strait StoryApparently the carnival of folly that is traffic in Miami-Dade isn't surreal enough. The Bitch has noticed that many denizens of South Dade and downtown have taken it upon themselves to add a certain Lynchian touch by buzzing around on miniaturized motorcycles. These "pocket bikes" are not scooters. They're available for $300 to $500, and they're closer to the goofy tiny motorcycles you see Shriners tooling around on during parades. Some of these bikes get up to 45 mph.

Police in San Diego and New York City have had to deal with a number of accidents involving pocket bikes, and municipalities across the U.S. have looked into banning them. Miami cops say they haven't had too many problems yet, but a quick drive through Allapattah or Richmond Heights confirms what an article in the San Diego Union-Tribune warned last summer: Pocket bikes are the new low-rider bicycles.

After almost running over a scowling dreadlocked tough guy on a pocket bike in Little Haiti, The Bitch is compelled to raise once again the specter of public aesthetics. Low-rider bikes look cool. Pocket bikes look like toys for small children. And no matter how bad-ass you are, it's impossible for a grown-ass man to look tough on a two-foot-high motorcycle with his knees up around his ears.

Samurai StoryWhen Kimora Lee Simmons told Vanity Fairthis month her position with regard to territorial encroachment by formidable females was: "I will beat a bitch's ass!"she must not have been taking into consideration the existence of 27-year-old Gazzy Parman. The jujitsu champion is training in Miami with locals Marcos and David Avellan of Freestyle Fighting Academy on her way to a tournament in Abu Dhabi.

Parman looks to be a match for Simmons both in ass-beating world domination and clever media manipulation. After approaching The Bitch -- a known sucker for fringe element athletic events and ass-beatings -- with a sad story about an unsupportive family and rodent-infested gymnasiums (not that there's anything wrong with rats, mice, hamsters, chinchillas, or guinea pigs), Parman turned up all over the place, from a splashy spread by Nicholas Spangler in the Miami Heraldto local TV news.

Parman gets catty when the media moves the cheese. "It made me sound horrible," she says of the Herald story.

Of Spangler, Gazzy grows apoplectic. "That asshole. I wish I could ... oooh," she exhales angrily. Then she bursts into laughter. "I was telling him the only thing I own is my belts that I've won, and my hooptie. And he was like, "What's a hooptie?'"

Parman's flack Judith S. Lederman was sanguine about the sudden media saturation, even sniffing that the Herald just didn't "get" Gazzy. But heck, The Bitch doesn't mind getting spanked now and then, and gives props to Parman for eeking out a living in this mousetrap-mined world.

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