The Bitch

Shrinking Eyelets

Police in San Diego and New York City have had to deal with a number of accidents involving pocket bikes, and municipalities across the U.S. have looked into banning them. Miami cops say they haven't had too many problems yet, but a quick drive through Allapattah or Richmond Heights confirms what an article in the San Diego Union-Tribune warned last summer: Pocket bikes are the new low-rider bicycles.

After almost running over a scowling dreadlocked tough guy on a pocket bike in Little Haiti, The Bitch is compelled to raise once again the specter of public aesthetics. Low-rider bikes look cool. Pocket bikes look like toys for small children. And no matter how bad-ass you are, it's impossible for a grown-ass man to look tough on a two-foot-high motorcycle with his knees up around his ears.

Gazzy Parman will beat a bitch's ass
Jonathan Postal
Gazzy Parman will beat a bitch's ass

Samurai Story When Kimora Lee Simmons told Vanity Fair this month her position with regard to territorial encroachment by formidable females was: "I will beat a bitch's ass!" she must not have been taking into consideration the existence of 27-year-old Gazzy Parman. The jujitsu champion is training in Miami with locals Marcos and David Avellan of Freestyle Fighting Academy on her way to a tournament in Abu Dhabi.

Parman looks to be a match for Simmons both in ass-beating world domination and clever media manipulation. After approaching The Bitch -- a known sucker for fringe element athletic events and ass-beatings -- with a sad story about an unsupportive family and rodent-infested gymnasiums (not that there's anything wrong with rats, mice, hamsters, chinchillas, or guinea pigs), Parman turned up all over the place, from a splashy spread by Nicholas Spangler in the Miami Herald to local TV news.

Parman gets catty when the media moves the cheese. "It made me sound horrible," she says of the Herald story.

Of Spangler, Gazzy grows apoplectic. "That asshole. I wish I could ... oooh," she exhales angrily. Then she bursts into laughter. "I was telling him the only thing I own is my belts that I've won, and my hooptie. And he was like, "What's a hooptie?'"

Parman's flack Judith S. Lederman was sanguine about the sudden media saturation, even sniffing that the Herald just didn't "get" Gazzy. But heck, The Bitch doesn't mind getting spanked now and then, and gives props to Parman for eeking out a living in this mousetrap-mined world.

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