No Ugly Ducklings

Ballet Etudes presents a classic

SAT 4/16Whether it's a dance recital for proud parents or a lavish production showcasing the power and poise of the pros, there's something special about the ballet. It's so elegant and sophisticated. When a ballerina spins 32 times on the tip of one pointe shoe, or her prince jumps and spirals twice in the air before his feet gracefully return to the stage, it's awesome. Such feats are part of Swan Lake, which is being presented in classic style by Ballet Etudes Company of South Florida, starring two guest dancers from the New York City Ballet. The Florida Classical Orchestra provides the score for the full-length production, which includes eighteen dancers performing swan-like movements with their arms and a pas de deux featuring overhead lifts to a violin solo. The performances are 8:00 tonight and 3:00 Sunday at the Jackie Gleason Theater, 1700 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. Tickets range from $20 to $100, with group discounts available. Call 305-827-1345 or visit www.gleasontheater.com. -- Patti Roth

Um, She's a Ho

THUR 4/14For a play that deals with a lead character who becomes entirely disconnected from joy and humanity, the opening weekend of Toni Press-Coffman's Touch sure has a lot to offer in the opposite direction. From meet-and-greets to meat-and-eats, the weekend is full of opportunities to engorge the senses. Directed by Gail Garrisan and starring Bruce Linser with Jenny Levine, Brandon Morris, and Lela Elam, the adult-themed play revolves around Kyle, who after the loss of his wife has to deal with time-honored questions about the meaning of life through the comforts of a prostitute. The show starts tonight at 8:00 at the New Theatre, 4120 Laguna St., Coral Gables. Tickets range from $30 to $40. Student discounts are available, as well as half-price tickets for tonight's preview. Touch runs through May 15. Call 305-443-5909, or visit www.new-theatre.org for a full schedule of events. -- Margaret Griffis

Taxing Humor

Unaudited Yuks

FRI 4/15 If a lawyer and an IRS agent were drowning and you could save only one of them, would you make yourself a sandwich or watch TV? Ha! What's the difference between an IRS agent and a mosquito? One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect. Ba-dum-ching! Thanks, folks, we'll be here all week, but Laughing Gas's "Instant Tax Comic Relief" show won't, and its jokes are way funnier. See it tonight and Saturday at 11:00 p.m. at the Main Street Playhouse, 6766 Main St., Miami Lakes. Admission is ten dollars. Call 305-461-1161, or visit www.laughinggasimprov.com -- Patrice Elizabeth Grell Yursik