THE BITCH

Feminine Protection

Suenalo Oh No!

The Bitch was sniffing around the ad-hoc artist community that has recently found a haven in the revitalized streets of Little Havana when she heard a horrendous rumor that shook her by the scruff. It seemed that after properly stirring up Miami with their funkafied grooves, the Afro-Latin musical collaboration known as Suenalo Sound System was calling it quits. However, after a bit more bomb-sniffing, this turned out to be nothing more than an exaggerated version of the truth. Though the official word is that the band wishes to depart from the cumbia-heavy rhythms it had been focusing on, The Bitch's super hearing detected the reality has more to do with the band's lack of patience with the Xanax-popping antics of lead singer/rapper Itagui Correa. The dreadlocked performer, whose other band, Locos Por Juana, is enjoying moderate success and has earned many an accolade, from local praise to BBC awards, can't seem to get along with the rest of the Suenalo guys and caused a rift between the two bands.

"There are some people out there who would love nothing more than to see us fail, but that couldn't be further from the truth, we're still alive and kicking," says Phil Maranges, Suenalo's guitarist. Though the band is not bust, there are some changes. Owing to some hearing problems, Correa is taking a little break. Fabio Patiño will be stepping out from behind the drums to try singing and timbales. Timbales player Alan Reyna is splitting Suenalo altogether, following Correa's lead to focus solely on LPJ. The Bitch is already making plans for the Unplugged reunion à la Fleetwood Mac.

This device will keep you safe, at least in one way, from bruisers on the lacrosse field
Jonathan Postal
This device will keep you safe, at least in one way, from bruisers on the lacrosse field
Sean P. Puff Diddy Daddy Combs plants one on Tara
Lyssa Oberkresser
Sean P. Puff Diddy Daddy Combs plants one on Tara

Enterprise Automobile Parking

The Bitch wishes to commend the entrepreneurial genius of the homeless community surrounding the Pawn Shop Lounge on NE Second Avenue and Thirteenth Street. On a recent Saturday night, while attempting to securely station their vehicles, a sea of Revolver revelers became trapped in a clogged-up traffic jam. With no apparent parking assistance in sight, there came a shining orange light to the rescue. A man wearing a reflective, fluorescent construction vest and looking very official began crisply semaphoring and efficiently guided car after car into neatly filled rows in a lot beside the I-95 entrance ramp. As the drivers exited their automobiles, the man came by and collected the posted five-dollar fee, plus tip.

He did this at least 30 times before the lot's actual attendant got wise and rocketed to the scene, screaming and cursing at the top of his lungs. As the orange-clad impostor ran off into the night, the attendant tried unsuccessfully to collect money from the parked masses. Thankfully the Bitchmobile was not towed. Mad props you orange-vested hustler, keep makin' that paper.

Too Hot for Tuxedos

The invitation promised an open bar, plus penguins flown in from South Africa -- enough reason to go to the grand reopening of the Hotel Victor on Ocean Drive this past Friday. The Bitch went upstairs in search of the penguins, but first encountered rakish raconteurs Russell Hassell and Brian Antoni, power-suited State Attorney Katherine Fernandez Rundle, and favorite starlet Tara Reid, who has gone from butter blond to true platinum. "Can you ever be too blond?" The Bitch wondered to Reid, who shook her head, and then, as if in proof of her answer, turned and got a big hug and kiss from the party's host, Sean P. Puff Diddy Daddy Combs.

A giant spotlight mounted above the hotel pool did not seem to agree with the half-dozen forlorn penguins. The poor birds looked scared and were huddled together. Further evidence that South Beach profligacy and animals do not, and should not, go together.

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