The Bitch

Full Blown

CondoflageWhat appeared to be purely an art-show opening at Miami Beach's ArtCenter South Florida this past Friday was a cleverly disguised flack attack, launched by DindyCo PR, for the Artécity condominium.

Nonetheless things got a little out of control in the way The Bitch wishes they would at most real art receptions. The spoofed crowd that turned out, accustomed to sipping wine and the occasional G&T, had considerable difficulty adjusting to the only beverages on hand -- jet-fuel-strength vodka martinis knocked with peach or apple schnapps served in Lil Jon-size goblets.

Dean Solo, an exhibitor visiting from Phoenix, Arizona, surveyed the flushed and toasted throng and observed: "This is just total chaos. It's a free-for-all in here."

Is it a mime, a performance art piece gone wrong, or just another really annoying obstacle to dodge on Lincoln Road?
Jonathan Postal
Is it a mime, a performance art piece gone wrong, or just another really annoying obstacle to dodge on Lincoln Road?

Lincoln Road Vital StatisticsStrolling purposefully away from the event above, The Bitch encountered three Weimaraner puppies attached by leash to a human female. As the The Bitch bent down to kiss the rambunctious pups and slip them William Wegman's e-mail address, the woman blurted: "You wanna buy one? 'Cause they're for sale."

Huge, active dogs who live for a couple decades and require massive training: perfect impulse purchase for the tourist or inebriated would-be arts patron! What kind of person would turn small creatures out into such a high-risk environment? Further evidence that the outdoor Midwestern shopping mall-cum-Pigalle known as Lincoln Road is, as one longtime Beach resident observed, past the tipping point of pedestrian navigability.

No Rest for the Animal Abuse PatrolMost New Year's Eve revelers attending Lance Burstyn's posh soirée (and Krieger watch marketing opportunity) were enchanted by the menagerie on hand to entertain (as if the flesh parade and copious booze were not entertaining enough). The animals, rented from Miami-based World of Wildlife, included a cougar, an alligator, two flamingos, numerous parrots, a lemur, and a six-inch emperor scorpion, among others.

World of Wildlife owner Tom Batchelor says he kept the wild animals safe from the party animals. "We had all the animals in front, and most of the partying was in back," he says. "And we put the cougar away when it got late and everyone started to get pretty drunk. We left the gator out, because what can you really do to a gator?"

Not all the partygoers were amused by the exhibit or by Batchelor's supposed safeguards. One guest says that the flamingos were "suffering from the spotlights on them."

"They were clearly agitated by the bright light shining right in their eyes, as were all the parrots," an avian-aware guest tells The Bitch. "And the cougar was all twisted up in his chain and couldn't move at all. Most of the people there seemed to like it, though. Of course, we're talking about happy-go-lucky South Beach wannabe Eurotrash."

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