The Bitch

End Times

Omes then provided some e-mail comments of his own. He wrote that Van Dyk is "confirmed to close the Ultra Music Festival for 2005 as he has for the past two years. Whether he will play Space is another issue." As for Space spokeswoman Ardis Robles's belief that Van Dyk et. al. are "Space DJs," Omes responded, "Paul Van Dyk as well as Sasha and Digweed have been performers at the Ultra Music Festival for its entire run. Seven years now. Before SPACE was built ...We've lived this for over a decade. Whereas [Robles] was a waitress at [Club Space] less than a year ago."

During a hilarious dirt-dishing phone conversation, Lainie Copicotto, a supervisor at Ultra's marketing, media, and sponsorship firm Aurelia Entertainment, scoffed at the idea that Club Space would be able to compete against Ultra. She points out that one of the DJs listed in the e-mail Ultra forwarded, Danny Tenaglia, "will not be playing for Louis anytime soon. Danny purposely went to Club Envy because of an argument he had with Louis over the closing of Space," referring to Space's series of bogus "closing parties" in October 2003, which Tenaglia was initially booked to play.

Copicotto believes that Puig is jealous because Omes left his post as Space's music director to become the worldwide booking director for crobar. "We love Louis, but we don't love what he's doing," she says. "Chill the fuck out. Check yourself before you wreck yourself." She then ridiculed Robles and issued a challenge to Puig: "Tell Louis to come out from the office and actually say something, because he's sending people who don't know shit."

Croc amokBack in September a story about Chucky, a fourteen-foot, half-ton American alligator who was washed free when high tides from Hurricane Ivan struck a Gulf Shores, Alabama, zoo, was snapped up by CNN and other national media outlets. Relentless Miami Seaquarium foe Russ Rector says the Nile crocodile display at the Virginia Key attraction presents a similar hazard, especially given Florida's own recent propensity for attracting tropical storms.

Rector contends that the saltwater crocs at the Seaquarium would, if loosed, create havoc in Biscayne Bay, and at least one expert agrees. Frank Mazzoti, an ecologist with the University of Florida who has shepherded projects to reinvigorate the endangered American crocodile population in South Florida, says the African animals are much more aggressive. If they made it into the bay, says Mazzotti, they would either mix genes with their American cousins, effectively killing off the species, or they would eat them out of existence.

"If they think Chucky looked bad, wait until they get a load of these man-eaters from the Seaquarium," Rector rants. "They've got a four-foot-tall retainer wall holding these babies in there, and during Andrew a six-foot wave washed across Key Biscayne. What does that tell you?"

"We are confident that the exhibit poses no threat to the general public," says Seaquarium curator Robert Rose. "The suggestion that a natural disaster could cause an escape is unfounded and is highly unlikely."

Union YesProfessional picketer Theodore Burrows says Rothstar Construction, Inc. is using heavy equipment to try to keep him and his colleagues from protesting in front of its offices at 1221 Brickell Ave. Burrows is a homeless man who says most of the sign-carriers he marches with are also homeless people paid by the Miami Carpenter's Union to obtain demonstration permits and protest targeted union-busting businesses. Burrows told The Bitch that Rothstar employees "shout obscenities at us, flip us the finger and other gestures also, then they call the police on us, claiming we did it to them." Burrows says Rothstar's interference with his interference is un-American: "The carpenter's union has given us a legitimate source of income and a possible way off of the street. But Rothstar Construction has tried to use this as a reason to basically harass us and keep us from being gainfully employed using means that are guaranteed in the Constitution of the United States."

Rothstar officials did not return calls for comment.

Opiates: Still Calorie FreeDog cannot live by Vicodin and Chimay alone, so The Bitch subsists on her own vegetarian version of the Atkins diet. This meal plan consists largely of tubs of Betty Crocker buttercream cake frosting and calamari. For the other 60 million Americans caught in the vortex of these pro-fascist, anti-carbohydrate times, Low Carbiz Magazine claims one of the ten best places in the nation to refrain from resembling Donal Logue is Miami. The magazine recently ran a cover story in which it claimed residents of the metropolis -- energized by plantains, beans, rice, bread, and tres leches cake for dessert -- have "easy access to an abundance of low-carb products, restaurants with low-carb menu items, and a local culture generally conducive to exercise and health."

Um, have these people ever actually been to Miami? This is what often happens when outsiders attempt to define our amorphous metropolitan area: They are actually referring to South Beach's hardbody culture. Real Miamians need their carbs to soak up all the rum.

Vendors seem to be sold on the Low Carbiz list. Del Monte, the international processed food-pushing conglomerate whose Fresh Del Monte Produce, Inc., is headquartered in Coral Gables, is this very month launching a new line of canned fruit, under the label Carb Clever. Destination test market: Miami.

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