CUT!

The 25 Most Unbearable Miami Movies Ever Made

Holy Man (1998)Proof that, at this point in his career, Eddie Murphy needs to stick to talking-animal movies, whether they're talking to him or he's doing the talking. And Jeff Goldblum should retire. Period.

Fair Game(1995)It didn't help that she was teamed with one of the lesser Baldwins (Billy? Adam? Zeppo?), but no amount of lousy acting by any of her co-stars could have lowered the bar enough to make Cindy Crawford appear slightly above execrable onscreen. Even fellow supermodel Kathy Ireland, one of whose B-movie bombs appeared on Mystery Science Theater 3000 to be mocked by puppets, exhibited more screen presence than Crawford. And the sex scene? Nice try, but it had a Baldwin in it.

In the Shadows (2001)Matthew Modine as a Mafia hitman? Sent to kill James Caan as a movie stuntman? And then he takes several months to learn how to be a stuntman? All the while falling deeply in love with James Caan's daughter, played by Joey Lauren "That Chipmunk-Voiced Chick from Chasing Amy" Adams? Cuba Gooding, Jr. as a fed undercover as a jive-talkin' drug dealer? Man, the only way you could make us watch this crap would be to stick us on a twelve-hour, nonstop bus ride in Mexico, put it on the VCR, and crank the sound up so loud we can't even sleep through it. Oh, wait, that is where we saw it. Fuck. Well, at least Gooding gets run over by a car. Twice.

Stick (1985)Seemed to have a lot going for it, this one: based on a solid Elmore Leonard novel, starring Burt Reynolds (albeit in the twilight of his above-the-title days), with a supporting cast that included Candice Bergen, Charles Durning, and George Segal. But the end product was utterly flaccid. As with so many movies based upon the works of Miami authors (see below), Hollywood confuses the characters' quirks for the characters themselves. The actors here (especially Durning, with his ridiculous orange wig and eyebrows) end up running around trying to out-quirk each other, and the result is an incoherent mess.

Striptease(1996)The "only-in-Miami" zaniness of Carl Hiaasen's books, more overtly comedic than Leonard's ex-con-with-a-heart-of-gold oeuvre, would seem to be ideal for the big screen. After what Hollywood did with Striptease, we may never find out how any of Hiaasen's other works might translate. When the best part of your movie is a Vaselined Burt Reynolds, you know you're in, um....

Big Trouble (2002)What is true of Stick is even truer of this dud, based upon the writings of Dave Barry. Turned out that a plotline involving nuclear terrorism and airplanes was the least of this bomb's problems. Half a billion characters -- all of them relentlessly quirky -- are tough enough to juggle in a book. In the movie, you stop caring about any of these jokers after three minutes. At least they could have let us all ogle Sofia Vergara for a bit more screen time.

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