By Michael E. Miller
By Allie Conti
By David Villano
By Jose D. Duran
By Michael E. Miller
By Allie Conti
By Kyle Swenson
By Luther Campbell
Nude on the Moon (circa 1962)Grindhouse goddess Doris Wishman made a gaggle of no-budget exploitation films in South Florida before her 2002 passing. This one makes the list for two reasons: The pipe-cleaner antennae sticking out of the topless moon women's heads, and the backdrop of South Florida's most puzzling and least interesting roadside attraction, the Coral Castle.
Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988)Hah! Bet you forgot about this one, didn't you? Anyone else miss Bubba Smith and Michael "Sound-Effects Guy" Winslow? No? Good. Let's move on.
South Beach Academy (1996)Before Moby's "We Are All Made of Stars" video, this was the closest Corey Feldman got to a comeback after flaming out as a substance-abusing child actor. And if it weren't for IMDb.com, we wouldn't have heard of it either.
The Really, Really Bad:
These flicks, whose budgets generally range from respectable to astronomical, have no excuse for sullying our shores with their absolute lack of any redeeming filmic virtues.
The Crew(2000)Perhaps the lamest-ever take on the Old Gang Gets Together for One Last [Fill in the Blank] trope. But far from evoking The Unforgiven, or even such light fare as Going in Styleor Space Cowboys, this tottering pile of fart jokes is so bad that even the presence of the consistently and supremely annoying Richard Dreyfuss, who's gotten more grating with age, can't be counted among its greatest flaws. Shame on you, Dan Hedaya. Anyone with Blood Simple and The Usual Suspects on his résumé shouldn't have to stoop so low.
Random Hearts (1999)Just goes to show you that Harrison Ford-plus-plane crash is not the sure-fire formula for movie magic we all thought it was. To say nothing of the Kristin Scott Thomas-plus-plane crash theory.
Let's Talk About Sex (1998)Oh, let's not. Sorry, Troy Beyer, but this lame pseudodocumentary did nothing to repay the karmic debt you owe the universe for appearing in Weekend at Bernie's II.
Bad Boys II (2003)[Editor's Note: In the interest of full disclosure, we must reveal the author's conflict of interest in writing about this movie. No, it wasn't that the film's repeated closures of the MacArthur Causeway kept him from crossing into Miami Beach whenever a San Loco taco jones struck him. On the contrary: Someone associated with the film, however indirectly, sent him something of value. That person being star Will Smith, and that thing being a Thanksgiving turkey. Apparently a family friend of the author's worked at the South Florida home Smith and his family lived in during the filming of the Bad Boys sequel. The author says that his friends reported the Smiths to be perfectly lovely human beings, with wonderful children. And for Thanksgiving that year, the Smiths presented the author's friends with a turkey of indeterminate poundage, which they in turn brought with them to the author's home. The author assures us that he had in fact prepared his own turkey, and has no specific recollection of whether or not he consumed any of the Big Turkey Style. Nevertheless, our attorneys tell us that we must avoid even the appearance of a conflict of interest. Thank you.]
Despite the disparaging remarks Will Smith has made about Wild Wild West, we can offer him one silver lining of his much-panned turn as a badass cowboy: If it weren't for Wild Wild West, everyone would be talking about Bad Boys II as the worst stinker of His Freshness's film career. Oh, and thanks for the turkey.
All About the Benjamins(2002)We suppose, in one sense, we should applaud the fact that black actors are no longer confined to the role of the Ethnic Buddy in formulaic cop flicks. Will Smith and, in this film, Ice Cube have proven that unwatchability is truly colorblind.
Up Close & Personal (1996)Miami has been a mixed bag for Michelle Pfeiffer. On the one hand, you've got the culty Scarface and her best comic performance to date, Married to the Mob. On the other hand, there's this cheesy, wheezy, TV-reporter pseudodrama, which serves no purpose other than to make us all want to go out and rent Broadcast News. Plus she has to mack on Robert Redford about ten years after such behavior became an indecent proposal in and of itself.
2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)You know, we would've gone to see this movie, but we decided we wanted some dramatic heft to go along with our jaw-droppingly fake CGI car crashes. So we watched a thirteen-year-old play Grand Theft Auto: Vice Cityfor an hour and a half and called it a night.
Any Given Sunday (1999)The buzzsaw jump-cutting, screaming soundtrack, and ugly Miami Sharks uniforms in this ostensibly edgy bundle-o'-boring were made to look even worse by inviting comparisons with vastly superior flicks: specifically North Dallas Forty, and every other movie Oliver Stone ever made -- except Natural Born Killers, which was another heap of tedious big-budget film-school bombast.