By Michael E. Miller
By Ryan Yousefi
By Kyle Munzenrieder
By Sabrina Rodriguez
By Michael E. Miller
By Carlos Suarez De Jesus
By Luther Campbell
By Kyle Munzenrieder
So when The Bitch rolled up to Miami's finest photo gallery last weekend to admire her favorite works (Guy Le Baube's black-and-white portraits of exquisitely articulated dogs), she was astounded to find the studio shuttered. A note on the door and the Website www.danielazoulaygallery.com says that the gallery is being relocated. Long-time fashion photographer and South Beach entrepreneur Azoulay, who showed his own work as well as that of numerous other photographers, opened the gallery at 3900 NE First Ave. in November 2001.
Coulda Been Contenders, Pt. 1
Next thing you know, they'll be selling out Caesar's, appearing in the essays of Joyce Carol Oates, maybe even hangin' with Mickey Rourke ... no, not the welterweight hopefuls at the 27th Avenue Boxing Center. Consider eight rounds pitting Miguel de Grandy against Michael Pizzi. Would de Grandy, the rock mining industry's top hired gun, go the distance or would it be a TKO for Pizzi, the Miami Lakes city councilman voicing the anti-mining sentiments of residents who take exception to the detonation of dynamite in their neighborhood?
A no-holds-barred boxing match featuring Palooka Pizzi versus the Cuban Stallion could be in the offing. The Bitch notes that the two men were ready to rumble at the May 11 commission meeting, when Pizzi, angry about pro-mining pitches, approached de Grandy and issued a rooster's challenge.
"You know, I grew up in Brooklyn," Pizzi said. "And I just wanted to let you know that I didn't appreciate some of the things you said at the last meeting. And the way we settle things in Brooklyn is I would ask you to step out into the parking lot. "
"Well, I grew up in East Little Havana, so I am used to going out into rough parking lots," de Grandy replied. "If you want to do it now or later, you just let me know."
No word yet on when the first round is set to start. Both men declined comment pending negotiations with Don King.
Real Life Cop Tales The Bitch's life is not glamorous, and never less so than when dealing with those whose jaws drip with the blood of the powerless: the parking police.
While The Bitch was purchasing French toast at the Miami Arts Café at 200 NE Fourteenth St., too low on carbs to realize that it might in fact not be cool to park on Biscayne Boulevard, a fellow diner noticed that the Bitchmobile was being ticketed by a Miami Parking Authority enforcement officer. Charmaine Mike handed out the ticket and threatened further action -- towing. The Bitch's query about where she should park was answered with: "Anywhere you want as long as you get that car out of the street."
The next parking space -- 200 feet west, off the main drag, away from all fire hydrants, crosswalks, bus stops, and loading zones -- seemed safe, but to be sure, The Bitch asked, "Is my car okay over there?" Officer Mike was apparently troubled by this question, too troubled to make eye contact or formulate a reply. A repeated, "Is it okay that I parked my car over there?" again got no response.
Emerging from the café moments later, The Bitch discovered Officer Mike dashing off another ticket fewer than four minutes after the first and for another whopping $34.
When The Bitch placed a call to the parking authority to ascertain information on behalf of her readers, she was surprised to get a call back from the suddenly loquacious Officer Mike.
"You a professional writer?" Officer Mike yipped incredulously (The Bitch gets that a lot). "You're gonna put this in the newspaper?"
Well, uh, yeah....
"You go ahead and put my name in the paper and find out what happens," Officer Mike threatened.
If any attempts are made on The Bitch's life in the next few days, you know who to ask about it.
Tasteless, Yet Bling-y
Florida Marlins president David Samson was big pimpin' at the May 11 Miami-Dade County Commission meeting; laughing off Miami City Manager Joe Arriola's barbs while flashing a gaudy World Series ring at reporters and public officials.
Encrusted with more than 200 gems -- rubies, white diamonds, and a rare teal diamond in the eye of the marlin -- Samson's quarter-pound bauble sent a sparkle bouncing like a disco ball around the cavernous chamber on the second floor of the Stephen P. Clark Government Center. "Priceless," Samson replied when asked about the ring's retail value.
Too bad the same can't be said about the Byzantine financial deal among Miami-Dade County, the City of Miami, and the Marlins to build the team a retractable-roof $367 million (yeah, sure Dave!) stadium and parking garage next to the Orange Bowl.
Real-Life Brat Tales
The emphasis on students' communication skills inspired by FCAT mania is clearly paying off for Miami's public school system. On May 5, a six-year-old boy at Banyan Elementary School in the Westchester area told some friends that he had killed several girls in Cuba and that a student at Banyan would be his next victim. The classmates tattled on him to their homeroom teacher. The school duly recorded and investigated the incident, but holes were immediately spotted in the boy's story. "Note: [the boy] was born in Hialeah, FL and has not been in Cuba," a helpful official wrote in the report.