Valet Sharking

No tips for the weary; swan-eating croc irks park

"Mothers with children see the sign [warning of crocodiles] at the entrance, and they ask, 'Is there really a crocodile here?' When we say, 'Well, yes, it's in that lake right in front of you,' they leave," Cassidy says.

Cassidy doesn't want the big fella blown out of the water, just moved. "We've tried to get Fish and Wildlife to remove it for months, but they've done nothing. As I understand it, they're pretty quick to act when a crocodile shows up on Fisher Island."

"The problem at Crandon Park Gardens is they've got more than one crocodile, and if we remove them, they'll come right back," says Tim Regan, wildlife biologist with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. "They're inadvertently feeding these animals with their waterfowl."

Valerie Cassidy does her best Edie Brickell 
impersonation while dominating a concrete gator at 
Crandon Park Gardens
Jonathan Postal
Valerie Cassidy does her best Edie Brickell impersonation while dominating a concrete gator at Crandon Park Gardens

Regan told The Bitch the crocs will stay, and denies being more responsive to residential croc complaints. "They basically need to fence [the fowl] off so the crocodiles can't get in there. We're not going to kill or remove an endangered species because they're raising a bunch of exotic ducks down there."

South Florida is the only part of the United States where American crocodiles (which can grow to thirteen feet in length and weigh 500 pounds) live, and since the mid-1990s they've been spotted eating ducks in the Miami River, eyeballing golfers on the Crandon Park golf course, and crossing Arvida Drive in Coral Gables, among other places.

The Bitch is dazed and confused by the bizarre campaign for Guinness that has sprung up along the mass-transit corridors of Biscayne Boulevard and NE Second Avenue. Bus stop shelters are plastered with posters for the Irish stout featuring images apparently intended to appeal to the urban hipster crowd -- a demographic often found riding public transportation. The models for the ads are African-American men paired with upwardly mobile text fragments ("Antoine King: DJ ... record deal") along with the slogan "Guinness Stout: Be Extraordinary." The suggestion seems to be that much upscaling of the old lifestyle -- perhaps even the acquisition of a personal vehicle -- will occur upon consumption of said stout. According to a Guinness flack, the campaign is the creation of Gerry Graf of TBWA/Chiat/Day in New York, who is also responsible for the current Red Stripe lager ads festooning the nightclub-pocked neighborhood around Eleventh Street, which more simply and colorfully exclaim, "Hooray Beer!"

Pinecrest Mayor Evelyn Greer has locked up the head-banging vote in her bid to become a school board member this November. Lars Ulrich, the Chuck D-battling, Napster-hating drummer for Metallica, recently sent her a $500 campaign contribution. The connection comes through Greer's long-time law partner, James Jay Hogan, whose daughter Skylar is married to the Denmark-born, elfin Ulrich. The pair live in San Francisco with their two young sons, where Mrs. Ulrich (former girlfriend of actor Matt Damon) is a public-health doctor, and Mr. Ulrich continues to rock. "Jay told them I was doing this and they sent a lovely little note with a check," says Greer.

Greer has known the Ulrichs for years and describes Lars as "very sweet and smart" and an "eclectic thinker." Facing a crowded field of six other candidates, Greer acknowledges that while heavy-metal fans may not be the new soccer moms of politics, getting the nod from Ulrich can't hurt. "I am hoping he will do a benefit concert for me," she quips.


"Well, there's, and There are tons of Websites about squirrels. Then you've got the whole Midwest ... the center of squirrel culture in the United States. Madison, Wisconsin -- that's a place I'd go on vacation, to see some squirrels." -- Andrew "DJ Le Spam" Yeomanson, on his obsession with the small mammals

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