Love is a one-night stand in a Hialeah honeymoon suite. Love keeps the meter running. Whether an all-night affair or a whirlwind roller coaster ride lasting as long as your favorite soap opera, motel romance is always exciting. And Miami's abundance of no-tell joints, equipped with mirrors, vibrating beds, and heart-shaped bathtubs, are just the place to celebrate romance by the hour.
If you're looking for a love nest for Valentine's Day, cruise Okeechobee Road, west Calle Ocho, and Flagler Street. There you'll find neon-lit motels in various stages of sleaziness. But you gotta be swift. Valentine's Day is high season.
At the El Presidente Hotel (867 E. Okeechobee Rd.), you may have to wait for a 2-level suite with disco lights and a contraption that looks like an examination chair done in red leather. On Valentine's Day they forgo nightly rentals. The best you can do is a 4-hour stint for about $77.
Just up the road, at the Hialeah Executive Motel (131 W. Okeechobee Rd.), you get the same tub in an intricately painted single that looks like a jungle. Waterfalls and lush fauna heat up your Tarzan/Jane or Tarzan/Jai fantasy.
If you want to get creative, check out the Creek Hotel (2360 Collins Ave.) in Miami Beach. The funky motor inn, built at the height of the Miami Modern architecture era, features 3 romance-themed rooms designed by artists. In room 141 (above), the "Getting Lucky" room features the Wheel of Sex, which you can spin to determine your sexual fortunes.
But perhaps the mother of all lust traps is the Executive Airport Hotel (6700 NW 12th St.), where you can play in a champagne glass Jacuzzi, sweat up a storm in a sauna, and then cool off in your own heart-shaped pool. Each suite has its own garage with a door that can be shut, so no sniveling hater can track you down. -- By Juan Carlos Rodriguez
Is there no hell worse than ill-fitting lingerie? When the undergarments charged with keeping you protected and supported instead make you miserable, you find yourself suffering through a sort of panty purgatory, a girdle ghetto, a bra.... Okay, you get the picture. According to the folks behind the Fit Patrol Fit Challenge, 80 percent of American women are wearing the wrong size bra. (Wow! Now you know there's more than just PMS to blame for that surly attitude.) Apparently American women seem to suffer from some sort of intimate apparel-related cognitive dissonance. There is hope, however. From noon to 5:00 p.m. an 18-wheeler dubbed the Fit Patrol will roll into the parking lot of Wal-Mart (8865 NW 13th Terr.). A team of "fit specialists," who have been on a 7-month, 27-state tour, will be ready to offer you a private bra fitting and panty style recommendation. It will only take a few minutes of your time and it won't hurt. What might be less pleasant? Having someone else confirm that you're really an A-cup instead of that C you've been stuffing all these years. Consultations are free. -- By Nina Korman
Toys for Tarts
Adult plaything parties come home
Once there were the devotees of the peripatetic Avon Lady, a sales rep who sold beauty products door to door. It's no secret what those visits were really all about -- sex. When South Beachian lasses Karla and Frenchie knock on your door, it's also about sex -- sex toys. The pair's itinerant Luscious Parties have entertained Coral Gables grandes dames as well as tongue-studded South Beach hipsters. Primarily meant for women, the 2-hour products show, which has never brought in less than $300 in revenue, features playthings ranging from aloe-rich beauty cream to a 9-inch dildo. Whether you're looking for the G-rated display or the triple-X showcase, the pair promises to enlighten you about the available tools of lovemaking, meant for folks who understand that sex means work, invention, and yes, a little decorum when it comes to presentation. Call the sexperts at 786-287-6445 to schedule an appointment or e-mail at email@example.com. -- By Victor Cruz
Love's Sorry Butt
Love means never having to say you're sorry, right? On Valentine's Day lovebirds should trust that there is no need to apologize for indiscretions. So don't worry about that lapdance that violated the rules of so-called engagement. Don't even mention it, we suggest. You are loved and forgiven. But just in case your cheating heart needs some reassurance, local radio personality and motivational speaker Jacqueline Hazel is on hand with the International Day of Forgiveness. There will be music and dance and drama performances. But stand by for some of Hazel's deep words. She'll likely throw in a doozy such as "We cannot progress efficiently holding on to the past." The event begins at 10:00 a.m. at the Torch of Friendship, 501 Biscayne Blvd. Admission is free. Call 305-801-8100 or 954-392-3762. -- By Juan Carlos Rodriguez