The lines of pushy preholiday shoppers. The wife. The ex-girlfriend. The snotty teenage stepkids. Bastards. Some other guy's offspring. You hurtle your SUV through traffic with a vengeance. You imagine inflicting pain on other people. You fantasize of blood or of flogging yourself senseless. Everybody's bad -- nobody's innocent. Fuck Fuck FUCK them all! The modern world in the subtropics is a volatile, hostile karmic territory.
All of a sudden you find yourself grown up, horribly overweight, tense, and constipated all the time. How the hell did that happen? You long for the glorious days of disco, when your hair fell just right in beautifully feathered layers. It's been so long since you enjoyed looking at yourself in full-length mirrors or taking a trip to the crapper.
It's time to get a grip, possum. Take a breather. Snort Ayurvedic scents that will whisk you back to a more peaceful head space. Let your pores expand and soak up ancient salts and herbal remedies that break through the layers of panic and self-imposed importance. Most of all it's time to turn off the voice that drills you every day to prove to the world that you are the one with the biggest penis. Now listen to another, more harmonious and exotically accented voice, that of Deepak.
That's right, possum, Deepak Chopra, the television McGuru, sent by God and Oprah to heal the frenzied millennium. The master with the peaceful gaze and fabulous complexion will be in town leading a two-day seminar known as Renewal Weekend. The event inaugurates the opening of the Deepak Chopra Center, a fabu spa and karmic health club that will bring your soul back into the swing of things.
Deepak Chopra speaks at 7:00 p.m. Friday, November 21, at the Chopra Center at Doral Golf Resort and Spa, 4400 NW 87th Ave. There will be two full days of workshops and entertainment Saturday and Sunday, November 22 and 23. Packages range from $55 to $395. Call 888-424-6772. For Spanish translations call 305-392-4860.