By Nate "Igor" Smith
By Abel Folgar
By Kat Bein
By Jacob Katel
By Karli Evans
By Jose D. Duran
By Pablo Chacon Alvarez
Remember that Coyote Uglyflick? I couldn't sit through it, not even to watch models taking murderous stabs at acting. But I don't mind a live-action version. The sexy-bartender-doing-a-number-on-top-of-the-bar phenomenonhappens at places like Automatic Slim's, where pop metal lives. It's wild. At least five Connecticut frat-boy fatalities have occurred there, thanks (and I do mean thanks) to that fruity tonic the gals pour out for free.
During Coyote Night at Nerve, Nerville mayor Rudolf Piper brings gorgeous, gyrating, chaps-wearing women together for a sordid Tuesday-night affair. They keep his hands full, so he's lucky to have hip chick Samiminding the door. Most of these vixens are Middle Eastern, so now that they're free of sexual repression they want to shake it on top of the bar, below the bar, behind the bar. Hell, it's almost art. It should be known they also require adoring attention or feline fighting ensues (and usually does behind the scenes). Rudolf sells it as "multiculti cross-pollination of folkloric clichés with heavy emphasis on kitsch." In other words, cool chicks strut to the amazement of a bunch of horny guys.
Rudolf is a very profound person with a knack for empirical thought, as anybody who has read his wondrous weekly messageswill attest. So what's the meaning of all this? Well, Rudolf assures me, "It's 100 percent meaning-free! It's like a Broadway musical -- Oklahoma!, let's say -- but they forgot all the words, and nobody cares! They forgot the steps too. Fuck it." It's just that good.
Rudolf happens to be a creative gem among clubland's promoter-see-promoter-doers. In case you weren't aware, he gave Michael Alig, the infamous club kid-cum-killer, his first shot at throwing zany parties at the Tunnel in New York. Rudolf, prominent in James St. James's book about Alig's shenanigans, Disco Bloodbath, was lumped in with Limelight owner Peter Gatien to make a composite character in the resulting biopic, Party Monster. Justifiably, the movie bombed. The moral of this story: Don't hire documentarians to direct feature films.
Nerve is located at 247 23rd St, Miami Beach. Call 305-695-8697.