Power to the Pudge!

Get ready for another Marlins dismantling, but this time be prepared

Hip-hop subsidy: This was Luther Campbell's idea. He says there are plenty of Marlins fans among the growing number of successful hip-hop artists and record labels in Miami. Uncle Luke thinks he can get his pals to set aside two percent of revenue. That may not sound like much, but if Trick Daddy can stay out of jail long enough to finish another CD, chances are good we'll hit Luke's goal: $1.5 million per year.

Ecstasy bulk sales tax: Seems like a difficult one to collect, but I've been assured by a couple of lollipop-sucking, water-chugging Marlins fans who move copious amounts of E each month that it can easily be done at the wholesale level. Come on, South Florida made you guys! Given that approximately one in four Miami-Dade and Broward residents rolls at least ten times a year, the proposed tax (a reasonable 3.5 percent) could bring in enough to keep Miguel Cabrera in town for the next decade. Estimated annual revenues: $4.25 million.

Market-specific fundraisers: Next month an estimated 50,000 activists will be coming to town to peacefully voice their opposition to the creation of a hemispheric trade pact. Most will be from cooler climes and not accustomed to our humid tropical air, especially in November. Preliminary polling by Miami's own Bendixen & Associates indicates they would gladly pay a value-added tax on refreshing water balloons sold by PPF-sanctioned vendors. Assuming a police response worthy of Miami's reputation, revenues could be substantial. Estimate: $250,000.

Let's see, that adds up to $71.3 million. It's no Yankees payroll, but it'll keep us in the ballpark. Go Fish.

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