By Jacob Katel
By Laurie Charles
By Nate "Igor" Smith
By Abel Folgar
By Kat Bein
By Jacob Katel
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING EDITORIAL MAY CONTAIN MATERIAL THAT IS OFFENSIVE TO READERS WHO TAKE THIS COLUMN WAY TOO SERIOUSLY.
With your existence edging closer and closer toward that elephant's graveyard in clubland, a place somewhere between early-evening tea parties and Saturday visits to the movies with your fortysomething women friends, you resort to drastic measures to recapture your youth. These days, dancing is hard on your bunions and corns, and it makes you resemble an epileptic Billy Banks caricatureas your creaking joints cry out for BenGay. Your not-so-graceful aging process ("graceful" only applies to Richard Gere and rich guys) is spurred on by a failing liver abused by far too many vodka and tonics, finally separating you, the now "perverted old man," from the Cartier buff boys in shiny silk shirts.
All things have a shelf life and your expiration date is as imminent and evident as that sour smell that you emit each time you try and take another swig from your dated days of disco madness. With each passing year your hair falls into the bathroom sink faster than the Brazilian beauties at Nikki Beach can scurry into your cabto ride home with you at closing time. The hunted has finally become the hunter -- and a toothless, languid one at that.
With status in the male pecking order of Miami nightlife being determined by the same criteria as it is in the rest of the free world -- collecting as many hot cars and hot women as possible -- your forthcoming birthday has left you struggling to hold your position. You need a way to compete and the truth is that your Steve Martinpickup lines don't give you much of a chance to bag some hot Scandinavian model freshly signed to Elite.
You are now stuck with finding other means to keep the illusion of status and youth alive. The torch will eventually be passed to the young and vigorous, but that doesn't mean you should retire your mojo without a fight. Viva la youth! Or something like that.
You can buy a fountain of youth, but it will require a little help from your progressive-thinking friends. Have the chums cut back on a few rounds of drinks when on the town, skip a few of those meals at China Grillwith women half their age, and get you a real birthday present. Instead of another stupid tie, a gym membership, or Hustler tapestries for your Meridian Avenue "love shack," have the buddies chip in for a more life-affirming gift this year. And no, not another strip-o-gram. Although it could be entertaining, it could also add to the perception of you being a "perverted old man." Your women friends will feel left out of the party and you will be generally viewed by them as "creepy" from then on.
And here's where you say, "Clubbed, what do you suggest?" Well, no sense in letting the European jet setters and clubland bigwigs have all the fun. Have the fellas chip in to land you your very own nubile young woman for the night. Your very own Vivian/Julia Robertsà la Pretty Woman. All you have to do is, well, you know, do.
No need to get all bent out of shape and let the morality police come knocking on the door of your consciousness. In truth it is really no different than any other date that you would go on in the land of gimme. Edward VIIIcan do it and it's classy and romantic to everyone, so why not you -- if only for a night at least?
You get to say, "What's your name?" And she says, "What do you want it to be?" That beats the hell out of wandering around the VIP section all night waiting to catch the attention of that lovely vixen in the back of the room.
You'll recall the frustration you felt when you'd go out for the weekend, eyes peeled for new flesh. When victory seemed assured you would run home and dial the number you got from that dimepiece on the dance floor and listen to the message saying, "Welcome to the New York City Rejection Line ..." (212-479-7990 or www.rejectionline.com). Well, not anymore. Put that behind you for now because your dial-a-date from the back pages can make you feel like a 21-year-old soap opera hunk again.
Perhaps it is, as the recording on the rejection line states, "a cling to unrealistic hope." The fact is, high-maintenance ladies usually aren't interested in guys who no longer have a view of their toes. Find solace in knowing that your Vivian won't want to go shopping on Rodeo Driveafterward.
The same women you fruitlessly pursue are motivated to action by the same factor as the paid "date": money. The difference is, your escort will lay the rules and rates down up front. No games, no calling three days before setting up a date, no calling to follow up day after date, just a plain 'ol good time. You get what you came for (literally). There is no such thing as an etiquette book on this "date." For a price she will be who, what, where, and however you want.