By Jacob Katel
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You also don't have to worry about remembering lines, like licking your finger, touching a stripper's bra, and saying, "Let's get you outa those wet clothes." The girl would just laugh and raise her eyebrow for the cash. No tomfoolery here, pal.
And there aren't a lot of things you can say that are dumb or offensive, long as you're duking out money. If you want, you can holler: "Yeah, rub your ass in my face!" Long as you're payin', they'll think you're Voltaire: "Let me see you two kiss each other!" Hell, you must be Shakespeare.
You can lie, too. Everybody's lying anyway. No chance it'll come back to haunt you, like it might at Liquid or someplace hip. You don't really think this dancer's name is Liza Lipps, do you? Be a wealthy doctor. Hell, you don't even have to talk.It's all about a li'l "One On One," in the words of Hall & Oates.
The ol' one on one is the lap dance, baby. You can get them naked at some places. The average lap or "friction dance" -- call it what you want -- costs about ten dollars. That's one drink at most clubs! Only places like the Abbey and the Deuce can stretch that out to two or three drinks.
Granted, in some of the lower-end and less trendy Euro clubs you may see the occasional woman bending over rubbing her ass on some guy's crotch. But let's face it -- that is some otherguy, not you. Plus it looks silly as hell and can tend to be embarrassing as people look on and point fingers. You looking like Forrest Gump, and her doing some Jasmine St. Clair-type gymnastics to an R. Kelly tune. Not a pretty sight. Trust me on it. On the other hand, nothing really looks funny in a titty bar. It's a magical place full of naked women who are all clients of the Florida Center For Cosmetic Surgery. Everybody's working.
So now you got your drinks, your private dance, like Tina Turner said, and you still have some money to spend. Well, here's the kicker: You can hang around and look at girls all night and not get attitude from the Sopranos the hip clubs hire as enforcers and style mavens. No animosity for checking out the women. Damn. The little blonde you drop $50 on is just workin' her way through law school.
Okay, moving right along, there is the wonderful idea of women going to gentlemen's clubs. This is a highly recommended practice. Groups of women have been known to get plastered silly and dance up on each other as well as buy dances from Liza Lipps and her cousins. It's some sort of female bonding thing that goes on that men don't understand, but certainly don't look down on. Women almost never have to pay a cover charge. They are actually welcomed at most establishments. Face it, it looks real cool to see chicks putting dollars in naked women's garters or butt cheeks. Granted there may or may not be as many benefits for women, depending on sexual preference and whether or not Tom Green influenced you at all in Road Trip. But ladies, it is worth the trip to at least discover yourself. Snobbism is so Twentieth Century.
Some other benefits for women: There are tons of shitfaced guys buying drinks, and since you're not a dancer, they actually might think they have a shot with you, and give you alltheir money. Women get to see how men live when they aren't around to police the men's behavior. And you can go into the lion's den and convince some dumb sap who has forgotten that he has come to escape you in the first place to buy you drinks all night!
Yes, there is something for everyone at a titty bar. Clubbed sees it as more bang for your buck. On the average, a night of gentlemen's entertainment can run about $60 and that includes drinks. Now this figure is only reflective of not going overboard and letting your date's breasts bang against your head, convincing you to blow your various wads. Be smart. Strip clubs can be more cost-effective than dating or marriage. But either way, you have to pay for a woman.