Donít Get Holidazed!

Holiday Gift Guide 2001

No matter how hard you try, you just don't understand what the big deal is about 'NSync. But who are you to criticize teenage fanaticism? After all, you did have that big poster of Michael Jackson circa Thriller in your bedroom, and don't even deny it. Would you rather your little girl worship Marilyn Manson? Sure, it's a problem when girls take tests in school and respond to "Who was the 37th president of the United States?" with "Justin Timberlake is a hottie!", but leave the little girls alone. Sooner or later they will grow out of this and wonder, just as you did with Michael Jackson, what they ever saw in the boyz. In the meantime, indulge your little miss in her perfect teenage fantasies with the 'Nsync Hotline computer game, featuring oodles and oodles of exclusive pix of the guys bolstered by voice and video clips--insert screams of delight here--from each and every one of them. It's almost as if they're talking to you! Don't worry, eventually the CD ROM will warp and the boys will sound like Metallica on acid--that was redundant--and the girls will never want to hear them again. You hope.
$34.99, Target,
14075 Biscayne Blvd., North Miami Beach, 305-944-5341;
7795 SW 40th St., Miami, 305-262-5767

TV Junkie
If your significant other would rather watch reruns of the Golden Girls than have sex, we suggest you see a therapist. But if therapy is not an option and the only way to turn him or her on is via remote control, then Ultimate TV is the inevitable solution. Sort of. Not only can you record up to 35 hours of programming, no tapes required, but you can even tape two shows at once. Imagine that! In case nature--or your own neglected needs--should call, the vidiot can even pause live television, ensuring that not one moment of laugh track is missed. Even scarier, this gizmo allows the viewer to surf the Web and interact directly with a favorite show. This could be your ticket to salvation, because if Gilligan and co. were rescued immediately there'd never have been an entire series, would there? Hmmm.
$449.99 (Sony Directv receiver with Ultimate TV, wireless keyboard),
Circuit City,
20669 Biscayne Blvd., Aventura, 305-933-8616;
Sawgrass Mills, 12300 W Sunrise Blvd., 954-476-1544;

Easy Rider
A Harley is way too intimidating and a Vespa, well, too Ricky Martin. So how about buying your biker babe something that's butch enough for Queen Latifah, but tame enough for Justin Timberlake? Thanks to Buell Motorcycles, such a toy exists in the form of the Blast, a $4,000 beauty that's also good enough for fly guy Lenny Kravitz. For the novice driver, there's even a Rider's Edge program that will toughen up any softie who still needs training wheels.

Mark Poutenis
Mark Poutenis

Fashionably Late
If you had a dollar for every minute you've waited for the fashionably late one, you'd be very wealthy right now. If you're sick and tired of withering away, watching your hair turn grey as your lunch date turns into a dinner one, consider taking a lighthearted, comical approach to the situation with Armitron's Scooby Doo, Spider Man or Wonder Woman watches. They may keep current time, but perhaps they'll inspire the timeless one with memories of the days they used to get up early for Saturday morning cartoons.
$25-$30, Available at Burdine's,
1674 Meridian Ave., Miami Beach, 305-674-6300;
22 E Flagler St., 305-372-3812

Barbie Girl
Before Britney there was Barbie, the timeless beauty who still has no clue that her boyfriend Ken is gay. And if you know someone who still believes in Santa and has no clue that Ken is a friend of Dorothy's, the Barbie Nutcracker is a dream come true. Before those of you who know better start cracking lewd jokes, this full-length feature film--Barbie's first--isn't something found in the Adult Only section of your local video store, but, rather, a perky spin on the Tchaikovsky classic.
$14.99, Best Buy,
21035 Biscayne Blvd., Aventura, 305-933-9025;
7755 SW 40th St., 305-267-9913

A graduate of the Liberace and Neil Diamond school of over-adornment, this person knows not the meaning of white space. Everything has to be covered in rhinestones and sequins, even the toilet seat. Ouch! Surprise this razzle dazzler by sending in his or her very favorite item (if you can find one that's still free of their gaudy artistry) to Project Stud, where it will be returned in its fully flashy glory. No item will go unstoned. For inspiration, DJ Samantha Ronson had her turntable beaded. They'll do anything that isn't living.
Call Project Stud, 212-501-4482

Cheap Date
He's a good catch, you insist, with a job, excellent manners, a sense of humor and a full head of hair. Somehow you always seem to leave out the fact that he's a tightwad. While your mother insists you dump him immediately, you know that Miami isn't exactly a hotbed of quality dates, so you decide you'll keep him around for the time being. While he hardly deserves a gift this holiday season--you'll be lucky if you emerge with a $10 bottle of imitation Chanel No. 5--there is something you can get him that will be more of a gift to yourself than him. The AMC Night at the Movies deal includes 2 tickets, 2 popcorns and 2 drinks all for $25. Who could forget the last time you guys went to the theater and you were so hungry you were about to scrape up the squashed Sour Patch Kids from the gnarly floor?
AMC South Dade 8 Theaters,
18591 S Dixie Hwy., Miami, 305-238-5795;
AMC Theaters, Sheridan Plaza 12.
4999 Sheridan St., Hollywood, 954-987-4680;

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