Another petty annoyance about Christmas? Buying all those presents. Get over it already: There is no Santa Claus. No fat guy in a red suit is going to do all the dirty work for you. You're an adult, start acting like one and assume a little responsibility. First you have to figure out who you're going to spend your hard-earned cash on. You must determine where you'll shop. Worst of all, you have to decide what to buy for everyone! Can you say stressed-out? And you haven't even had your first taste of mall madness!
That's why we give you an early holiday gift: Wrappin'. It's our mission to help you arm yourself, not with guns but with information. What to buy, how much it may cost, where to get it. It's all here for you in a handy-dandy format. Read it. Use it. You just may make it through yet another crazy Christmas -- with a tan.
Beleaguered Worker
Workin' 9 to 5, what a way to make a living. Time to
make the donuts. Back to the grind. My boss is an ass*ole. I don't wanna work, I
wanna bang on the drum all day. The computer guy is a communist. They read my
emails. I hate my job. I want to quit. My coworkers are conspiring against me.
Heard enough from your overworked, overwhelmed workaholic? Since quitting isn't
an option for them, convince the corporate slave that, besides Prozac, the Office
Voodoo Kit is the path to peace in the office, giving new meaning to the concept
of being pinned down.
$9.95, Pink Palm Company,
737 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach,
305-538-8373, www.pinkpalm.com
Dear Ol' Dad
As kids you and your siblings were ballbusters. You
nearly drove your parents completely mad. When your mom said she was washing her
hands of you troublemakers, dad didn't agree with her plans to ship you off to
boarding school in Newark, New Jersey. Instead, he sent her off on a European
shopping spree and took you guys to Disney World, saying that the only way to
calm you down was to let you loose. When your mother insisted you all get jobs
for the summer, dear ol' dad sent you to sleepaway camp. Now that you're adults,
not much has changed. Your deadbeat brother still lives at home. He's 36. Your
sister decided to drop out of Harvard in favor of clown camp. While mom's out on
a week-long tour of America's outlet malls, your dad still remains the voice of
reason, standing by your side with nary a word of discontent. God bless him.
Isn't it time you gave dad a break? For once, let him be the ballbuster at Cal
Ripken's Grapefruit League baseball fantasy camp where he'll play with--and be
treated like--the pros. It's the least you can do, plus it'll lighten the blow
when you tell him and mom that you're quitting your well-paying job and joining
the Peace Corps.
800-486-0850,
www.ripkenbaseball.com
Full-Time Mom
You know those girls in college who said they aspired to
be a full-time mom? Remember how much you laughed at them? As if being a
full-time office slave is any better. Life isn't like the Brady Bunch, you
know. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have an Alice. Motherhood doesn't come
with an instruction book either. Mothers, most of them anyway, are selfless,
tireless warriors who put up with more crap--literally and figuratively--than
most plumbers. If you know such a woman, it's time to sign her up for Camp Mom, a
three-day getaway in the San Bernadino Mountains in Southern California for women
who don't know what it's like to take time out for themselves. During the camp,
mom will indulge in arts and crafts, yoga, water aerobics, self enrichment
feminars', fun, games and lots of R& R. The only downside: Mom may never want to
come back. Can you blame her?
Camp Mom, $239,
www.campgetaway.com
Neo-Jet Setter
They have more frequent flier miles than they know
what to do with, but for good reason: They'd rather pitch a tent in their
backyard than get on a plane these days. But when wanderlust prevails, there's no
Benadryl to cure the itch to explore. Don't even think about suggesting Amtrak or
Greyhound to them either. It sure ain't the Concorde. But rather than endure the
torture of endless whining about having to get the hell out of town, consider
making a very wise--and chic--investment in an Airstream trailer, an American
relic almost as iconic as Elvis. Fabulously revamped by designer Christopher
Deam, the new Airstream is the Lear jet of road trips, a 16-foot silver bullet
designed to shine on the open road, even if it happens to be located on some
gritty, dusty one in the middle of nowhere. There's a reason they call these
things land yachts.
$25,000, 937-596-6111,
www.airstream.com
Arty Athlete
For most serious athletes, Just For Feet is as close to
a museum as they get. For those with an eye toward more than just touchdowns,
baskets and goals, Nike has come up with the ultimate spike cross trainer hybrid
whose design was inspired not by the physique of Venus and Serena Williams, but,
rather Frank Gehry's Guggenheim and Calatrava's bridge in Bilbao, Spain. The
graceful curves of the new Air Max Specter is worthy of a place in a museum,
really. But the sneaker's most impressive masterpiece is the high-performance
mid-sole construction--a stiff plate likened to the chassis of a race car. Take
that, Air Jordan.
$125, www.nike.com
Lost Soul
Everyone knows one. They're in your life one day and out
the next. No, not a one-night stand, but those people who just pick up and leave
without telling anyone where, when and why they're going. Sometimes these people
owe you money. Sometimes they owe you child support. Whatever they owe you, they
feel they don't owe you an explanation every time they feel like skipping
town for a Star Trek convention in Peoria. What to do? Short of installing a
human LoJack system on them, the Wherify Personal Location System is a watch
that's wired with a Global Positioning System receiver, an alphanumeric pager and
a digital telephone transceiver designed to track anyone, anywhere. All you do is
call the location center or check out www.wherify.com to find out where that s.o.b.
disappeared to.
$300, www.wherify.com
Ring Leader
You know who you are. You're the one who always forgets
to turn off your cell phone in the movie theater, the concert hall and, if you're
really rude, in business meetings. Your annoying ring can be heard from miles
away because the volume is way up, so you won't miss a single call. Do us a
favor, please, ask--no beg--for Siemens' first foray into the cursed cellular
world. Pleasing on the eye--it's a high- tech, sleek silver model--the S40 is
even more pleasing on the ear as it allows you to use its tone composer to create
your own ringer melody. Consider a soothing tune off of, say Sade's Lovers'
Rock or, for God's sake, even a New Age composition by Yanni would be better
than that drone that your current phone wails out every time you receive a call.
In addition to that feature, the phone also runs on GSM networks, which means
that your ring will be heard anywhere in the world. That's certainly music to
your ears. If we can't convince you to toss your phone into the ocean, make it
less torturous for the rest of us and get this phone. Now.
$199-$379,
Cingular stores or
www.siemenscordless.com
Grandma
If it's Tuesday, it must be mah-jongg at grandma's house.
Come to think of it, every night is mah-jongg night at granny's. She lives and
breathes mah-jongg. In fact, she's the mah-jongg champion of her retirement
community. She's featured in Mah-Jongg Monthly as one of the world's
foremost experts on the game. Her license plate reads Me-Jongg. Better than a
diamond necklace is this bracelet made of bone replica mah jongg tablets and red
glass beads. The ladies who play with her are already jealous of her status as a
mah-jongg celebrity. Imagine their envy when they see this swank accessory on her
wrist.
$70, Anthropologie,
1108 Lincoln Rd.,
Miami Beach; 305-695-0775;
700 S Rosemary Ave., West Palm Beach,
561-805-8770;
www.anthropologie.com
Insomniac
It's 3 a.m. The phone rings. "Are you
alseep?" You were, thank you very much, until your token insomniac brought
you out of dreamland to commiserate that he just can't sleep. No matter how hard
he tries. He's read Valley of the Dolls forty times and, upon your
suggestion, he's resorted to his own sleep-inducing dolls--thank heavens for
Tylenol P.M.--but nothing seems to work anymore. And it's keeping you up too.
Don't lose sleep over whether or not to change your phone number. Instead, try a
natural sleep remedy such as valerian root, an herbal supplement with sedative
characteristics that will have your friend knocked out faster than an 80-pound
weakling up against Mike Tyson.
30 pills, $7, all GNC stores.
Blind-Sighted
Despite the fact that people still insist on wearing
their sunglasses at night--a ghastly habit left over from the 80s--others prefer
to just lose their specs. Literally. Keeping them on your head can give you a
migraine, but you'd rather lose the glasses than wear them around your neck like
your grandmother does. Until now. La Loop has crafted an uber-fashionable version
of the granny chain out of 44 fabulous materials including red Venetian glass and
Chinese yellow jade beads. These chains (from $135) may be more expensive than
your cheap, knockoff Gucci glasses, but it's worth the investment, because, faux
or real, lost glasses can add up to a fortune.
877-505-1500
Snaggle-Tooth
The spaces between your friend's teeth are Popeye's
dream come true. A spinach-trapping hotbed of leftovers from her last meal. What
to do short of ordering your friend never to eat leafy vegetables or pepper
again? Try Japanese designer Chidoriya's darling little toothpick holder and
mirror encased in lovely kimono fabric. It's discreet enough to pull out after
dinner for a quick inspection and there's no need to rely on bent straws or
matchbooks to pry out the particles in question.
$16, 877-613-2207
Gym Bunny
It's Friday night. Do you know where your best friend is?
While you're knocking back mojitos at happy hour, your regimented, obsessive pal
is, without fail, sweating bullets in the gym, working off the calories consumed
when the #*$&$%&^ guy at Starbucks failed to use fat-free milk in her latte.
Since you know you're not gonna get her taut ass out of the gym anytime soon in
favor of a late-night binge of cheese fries and buffalo wings at Denny's, you may
as well invest your money in a gift she's going to use. Over and over and over
again. The Body Fat Analyzer/Scale measures the body fat percentage in addition
to total weight in pounds and kilograms (it's a psychological thing). Perhaps it
can work to your benefit, too, when you finally have proof that vodka really is
fat-free.
$99.95, Sharper Image,
Aventura Mall,
19501 Biscayne Blvd., 305-937-4333;
Dadeland Mall,
7507 Kendall Dr., 305-667-9970;
Bayside Marketplace,
401 Biscayne Blvd., 305-374-8539;
www.sharperimage.com
The Follically Endowed
If we took all the hair off the backs of
ungroomed men everywhere, we'd probably have enough hair to wipe out male pattern
baldness. And while this theory is indeed too good to be true, individuals can
take action and at least make their own walking Chia Pet's back as smooth as a
baby's you-know-what with the Emjoi Beauty Forever Hair Remover, a nifty device
that eliminates unwanted hair with radio energy that destroys it at its
uncontrollable source--the root. To get to the root of this matter ever so
meticulously, there's even a 24-karat gold plated tweezer to grip those pesky
single hairs that just won't budge. If the thought of radio energy ripping out
his hair is too much for the big guy to handle, liquor him up with a few
cocktails and take him straight to South Beach Body Wax for some smooth sailing
vis a vis a full back wax. FYI: they do other parts of the body too.
Beauty Forever Hair Remover, $69.95,
www.sharperimage.com
South Beach Body Wax, $30,
1352 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, 305-531-3130
Traveling Wilbury
Regardless of the situation, they still
schlep all over the place via plane. Good for them. But due to increased
security, it's likely that their well-packed bags will be the object of a careful
search (at least we hope so). They may even be forced to leave their Swiss
Army-made travel kit at the gate. This wouldn't happen if your fave traveler
carried the Hello Kitty Vacation Travel Container Set, which includes benign, yet
whimsical, plastic necessities such as a soap case, a toothbrush case and three
plastic bottles of varying sizes in which to store their most necessary youth-
enhancing creams and salves.
$12, Cry Baby,
6669 Biscayne Blvd., 305-754-4279
Cinemaniac
Your dear cinemaniac has seen every movie known to
man--even Ishtar. To miss a movie is worse than missing your own mother's
birthday. And the obsession is not just confined to the theater. However, if it's
not the theater, the living room, or someplace where they're showing a movie, the
cinemaniac just won't go. To get the cinemaniac out of the celluloid cave, try
baiting him or her with the Mobile Video Traveler, a 5-and-1/2-inch monitor
screen, video player, carrying case and DC adapter that can be hooked up to any
cigarette lighter in any car--the backseat, please. Sure, you'd have to drive,
but it's better than you being driven crazy at home by a flick-obsessed hermit,
isn't it?
$699.95, Sharper Image,
Aventura Mall,
19501 Biscayne Blvd., 305-937-4333;
Dadeland Mall,
7507 Kendall Dr., 305-667-9970;
Bayside Marketplace,
401 Biscayne Blvd., 305-374-8539;
www.sharperimage.com
American Girl
Forget Louis Vuitton, Fendi, Prada and Gucci. It's
time you start buying American. Help your girl earn her fashion stars and stripes
with this patriotic clutch by Fuchi Mama. A demure 9-by-5 inches, this fabulous
piece of Americana is made of denim and is emblazoned with a hand-sequined and
beaded American flag. You don't have to be Lee Greenwood to prove that you're
proud to be an American, girl.
$73, www.girlshop.com
Nature Freak
The nature freak cries when someone accidentally steps on
an ant. And God forbid you kill a fly. For every bug you've crushed, consider
making up for it by buying the earthy one a dozen butterflies from Miami's very
own Butterfly Mystique. To top it off, why not throw in two thousand ladybugs for
good luck? If you step on one, at least there's 1999 left.
Dozen
butterflies, $75; ladybugs,
$14.95/2000, Butterfly Mystique,
22601 SW
152nd Ave., Miami,
305-242-BUGS
Superstitious Fashion Plate
Relying on good, old-fashioned lady luck
just isn't enough for your terminally trendy friend. Put a label on the luck, and
now you're talking. Enhance her good fortune--while depleting yours--with haute
couturier Marc Jacobs' Multi Charm Bracelet, a delicate little silver number with
dice, fruit and hearts. Sure, it looks like you bought it at the five and dime,
but your friend will absolutely love it when she sees who made it. Besides, who
ever said good luck came cheap?
$75, Scoop New York, 212-535-5577
Savvy Traveler
Louis Vuitton luggage is so Reagan era. Help the
savvy traveler toss out his or her excessive baggage in favor of a sleek and chic
suitcase designed by the Don Corleone of minimalism, Philippe Starck. Although it
won't help you score a room at the Delano, this Starckian spin on the classic
Samsonite will definitely earn its carrier status in the Wallpaper
magazine club of trendy travel.
From $195, www.retromodern.com
Granola Chick
She'll only shop at Wild Oats and won't wear leather.
Even her toilet paper is made of organic material. What to get the girl who cries
when she sees a tangelo because she thinks it's an unnatural cross breeding of
earthly goods? How about Kalani Organic Coffee, a perky, all-natural pick- me-up
that's proven to be just that by the Ralph Nader of websites that investigates
all the claims of responsibly made merchandise? If she's against caffeine, the
website's got a host of all-natural, unfettered products from soap to
nuts.
Coffee, $11, www.ethicalshopper.com
Stretch Armstrong
Even if your guy's closest thing to the Tour de
France took place in Epcot, humor him and convince him that Lance has nothing on
him by adorning his wrist with the Limited-Edition Lance Armstrong Compass Watch,
just like the one Lance used as he pedaled his way to cycling history. Despite
the fact that your Lance wannabe thinks that cycling ten times around the block
is worthy of a medal, let him think he's charting his own course to victory with
this watch that comes complete with digital compass (should he get lost in the
neighborhood), altitude meter (because South Florida is so full of hills and
mountains), weather mode (now that's handy!), temperature sensor, data recall,
ski run chronograph, seven alarms (time to pick up the Pollo Tropical!), calendar
information (your birthday, anniversary, menstrual cycle), and two time zones,
because God knows he's always zoning out. Better yet, should he work up a sweat
on his bike, the watch is water-resistant and, if he's late for your dinner date
once again, it's also scratch resistant.
$235, Nordstrom, Town Center Mall,
5820 Glades Rd., Boca Raton, 561-620-5555;
www.nordstrom.com
Fly Roller
Last year's scooter is just taking up space in the living
room and the rollerblades? Those are now being used as flower vases. There's
nothing wrong with improvisational multi-functioning, which is why the roller
sneakers were invented. If you feel like walking or sprinting, you can. If you
feel like rolling, just pop out the retractable wheel located in each heel and
make like Olivia Newton John in Xanadu as passers by muse at your nifty
footwear. When you tire of them, attach them to the legs on your coffee
table.
$80-$110, www.heelys.com
Expectant Mom
Who can forget the stir caused by a preggers Demi Moore
when she posed half-naked for the cover of Vanity Fair? While some folks
found it more offensive than Roseanne's nudie spread in Playboy, many
people rallied to Moore's swollen side, harping on the beauty of naked pregnant
women. If you know someone who's expecting, consider capturing the abdominal
anticipation with a special maternity photo session. Heck, it's practically the
only time in a woman's life when it's okay to be fat and bloated, so why
not?
$45 for a session, Cabrera Photography,
12371 S Dixie Hwy.,
Miami, 305-255-9922
New Mom
You're not a shrink, so you can't prescribe her a
lifetime supply of mood-altering drugs, but the next best thing to soothe the
postpartum stress is the Forty Weeks Special Momease Essential Comfort Kit in
which pampering holds an entirely different, mess-free meaning. Designed in
consultation with an OB/GYN, this kit contains a refreshing Wake Up Call shower
gel with rosemary mint, eucalyptus and grapefruit, hand lotion with lemongrass,
sage, Vitamins A and E, all-over body reconditioning oil with marigold and
chamomile (she just popped out a human being, after all), Reflections for a New
Mother journal (in which her private thoughts, including "Remind me again, Why
did I forget to take my birth control pills?'" remain just that), and, finally,
Lullabies for a New Mother CD--calming piano music that was composed to
help her block out the impending sounds of Barney the Dinosaur. All of the above
come in a lovely zippered pouch, which can be taken with her when she leaves you
with the baby and escapes for a weekend at her mother's house where she can be
the baby just one last time.
$52, Nordstrom, 5820 Glades Rd.,
Boca
Raton, 561-620-5555;
www.nordstrom.com
Beauty Sleeper
To this person, suffering from insomnia is as likely as
catching the West Nile Virus. One percent, if that. No matter where she is,
whether it's in the middle of Penn Station at rush hour or in her apartment where
her neighbors are blasting Ramenstein, she sleeps like a baby. How does she do
it, you wonder, as you look at the clock and it reads 4:30 a.m.? Don't lose any
more sleep trying to figure it out. Just get yourself some Tylenol P.M. and
forget about it. As for the perfect gift for this sleeping beauty, well, any one
of three satin eyeshades will do, we suppose. There's Dream, Bombshell and
Princess. Too bad there's not one for you that reads Zombie.
$24,
Nordstrom, 5820 Glades Rd.,
Boca Raton, 561-620-5555;
www.nordstrom.com
Wannabe Rock Star
Her chances of getting a record deal are slim
shady to none, but despite the grim reality, this person wouldn't think twice
about trying out for Star Search or whatever reality show out there that
claims to hook the winner up with the godfather of Britney and Backstreet, Lou
Pearlman. Talented or not, humor the songstress with the Singing Machine, a tidy,
portable karaoke machine that plays 80 pop, rock and R&B CDs while displaying the
song lyrics on a seven inch video screen that's so foolproof even a wacked-out
Whitney Houston can't mess up the words to "Greatest Love of All."
$199, Toys R Us,
551 NE 167th St., North Miami Beach, 305-653-8697;
19525 S Dixie Hwy., 305-233-6122 or
www.toysrus.com
Unsatisfied Girlfriend
She complains to you incessantly that you
don't fulfill her needs. You have no clue what she wants. You've read everything
John Gray has ever written. You've even secretly subscribed to both Rosie
and Oprah magazines. Still, the answer to what women want is as much a
mystery as the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa. Therefore, short of throwing your gal
to the curb, the only solution is this: Get her the DVD of What Women
Want, that ridiculous movie starring a chunky Mel Gibson and a bland-
as-melba-toast Helen Hunt. Huh? Think of it this way, the movie doesn't make any
more sense than your girlfriend's rantings, so at least this flick is some proof
that no one, not even Hollywood and a formerly hunky Mel Gibson, has a clue what
women want.
Best Buy,
21035 Biscayne Blvd., 305-933-9025;
8450 S Dixie Hwy., 305-662-7073
www.bestbuy.com
Slut
The word slut is not gender-specific. While men take it as a
compliment, women are offended. Or are they? Whatever the case, treat your
favorite slut to a swank Smythson of Bond Street Visitor Book bound in goatskin,
not latex, in which everyone who passes through his or her boudoir can sign their
name, proving they were there. It also helps the more forgetful sluts to remember
the names of those they've bedded when compiling those inevitable "lists."
$330, 1-877-SMYTHSON or
[email protected]
Jordache Girl
She was a Barbie girl in a Barbie world a few years
ago. But now she's too old for those plasticine prissies. So she's a spoiled brat
with an attitude. She'll grow out of it. In the meantime, she likes her dolls to
have attitude, just like her. Which is why Jordache has created the Fashion
Attitude Dolls (FAD), each with its own identity and, this is no joke, oversized
head. Although their heads are in no way proportion to their skinny little
bodies, there's something endearing about these dolls. Perhaps it's the ease with
which you can rip their heads off. Nonetheless, we're sure the girls will love
these dolls, if not for their big heads, for their keen, Jordache- brand of
fashion sense.
$19.99, KB Toys,
Aventura Mall,
19501 Biscayne Blvd., 305-931-2347;
7355 N Kendall Dr., 305-662-7031 and
www.kbkids.com
Golf Wimp
If you know someone whose swing is a bit weak and foreplay
is a major struggle, don't get him golf lessons, get him some balls! That's
right, now you can purchase Tiger Woods' championship balls with this
limited-edition set of 12. Made by Nike and not Mr. and Mrs. Woods, the balls
come in a decorative tin with sleeves highlighting various tourneys that Tiger,
of course, won.
$40, Nordstrom, Town Center Mall, 5820 Glades Rd.,
Boca Raton,
561-620-5555;
www.nordstrom.com
Club Kid
Don't feel bad for the clubkid who whines that no one
understands his or her way of life. They love the nightlife, they've got to
boogie. They're not the only ones. Show your support for their nocturnal
lifestyle by proving that, for other people, too, there is Life After
Dark, a comprehensive coffee-table book showcasing celebrities--what, you
thought real people had exciting nightlives?--partying down over the past three
decades.
$30, Books & Books,
265 Aragon Ave., Coral Gables, 305-442-4408;
933 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach, 305-532-3222;
www.booksandbooks.com
Label Whore
She has no qualms spending $80 on a T-shirt as long as
some haute couture label is loudly emblazoned on it, but she fails to see the
need to spend $5 on a cab ride home even if it means walking a few miles in her
masochistic Manolo Blahnik stilettos. She'll even admit that she delved into
Ashtanga yoga when she discovered, thanks to In Style magazine, that
Madonna is a devout fanatic. And while she'll complain that her yoga classes are
a bit pricey, she wouldn't flinch when she hears that this Gucci yoga mat costs
$870. In fact, she'll be more than happy to remain in the Lotus position for
hours as long as she's contorting herself on this stylish mat on which the yin
and yang of label whores--the Gucci logo--is repeated more times than she can say
"ohm." And because yoga certainly works up a major sweat, she'll certainly need a
water bottle to quench her thirst. Gucci makes one of those, too. It's only $80.
Don't even think of hiding that article in which the dudes from Dolce and Gabbana
praise the wonders of jump roping. Though they haven't yet made a D&G jump rope,
Gucci has. It's only $120 and comes in a stylish case. And you thought your fancy
cross trainers were a bit extravagant.
Gucci,
Bal Harbour Shops,
9700 Collins Ave., Bal Harbour, 305-868-6504;
256 Worth Ave., Palm Beach, 561-655-6955
Paranoid Pal
No dosage of prescription drugs can relieve this person
of the anxiety of believing that everyone and everything is out to get him. He's
a prisoner of his own paranoia and walks through life as if it were a
never-ending scene in some horror flick starring Jamie Lee Curtis in which every
step may be his last. He had to get rid of his dog because he thought the fleas
were really a form of FBI wire-tapping. The last time you rang his bell, you
heard blood- curdling shrieks coming from inside. Apparently he thought you were
coming to take him away. The men in the white suits tried that route, but it
didn't work. Give your plagued friend a small sense of security in the form of
Philips' Mini wired color security camera, which can be mounted anywhere, from
the basement to the backyard. At least if Jason really comes to get him, he'll be
able to recognize the hockey mask in advance and prepare to panic
accordingly.
$59.99, Target,
14075 Biscayne Blvd., North Miami Beach,
305-944-5341;
7795 SW 40th St., Miami, 305-262-5767
www.target.com
'Nsyncophant
No matter how hard you try, you just don't understand
what the big deal is about 'NSync. But who are you to criticize teenage
fanaticism? After all, you did have that big poster of Michael Jackson circa
Thriller in your bedroom, and don't even deny it. Would you rather your
little girl worship Marilyn Manson? Sure, it's a problem when girls take tests in
school and respond to "Who was the 37th president of the United States?" with
"Justin Timberlake is a hottie!", but leave the little girls alone. Sooner or
later they will grow out of this and wonder, just as you did with Michael
Jackson, what they ever saw in the boyz. In the meantime, indulge your little
miss in her perfect teenage fantasies with the 'Nsync Hotline computer game,
featuring oodles and oodles of exclusive pix of the guys bolstered by voice and
video clips--insert screams of delight here--from each and every one of them.
It's almost as if they're talking to you! Don't worry, eventually the CD
ROM will warp and the boys will sound like Metallica on acid--that was
redundant--and the girls will never want to hear them again. You
hope.
$34.99, Target,
14075 Biscayne Blvd., North Miami Beach,
305-944-5341;
7795 SW 40th St., Miami, 305-262-5767
www.target.com
TV Junkie
If your significant other would rather watch reruns of the
Golden Girls than have sex, we suggest you see a therapist. But if therapy
is not an option and the only way to turn him or her on is via remote control,
then Ultimate TV is the inevitable solution. Sort of. Not only can you record up
to 35 hours of programming, no tapes required, but you can even tape two shows at
once. Imagine that! In case nature--or your own neglected needs--should call, the
vidiot can even pause live television, ensuring that not one moment of laugh
track is missed. Even scarier, this gizmo allows the viewer to surf the Web and
interact directly with a favorite show. This could be your ticket to salvation,
because if Gilligan and co. were rescued immediately there'd never have been an
entire series, would there? Hmmm.
$449.99 (Sony Directv receiver with
Ultimate TV, wireless keyboard),
Circuit City,
20669 Biscayne Blvd., Aventura,
305-933-8616;
Sawgrass Mills, 12300 W Sunrise Blvd., 954-476-1544;
www.circuitcity.com
Easy Rider
A Harley is way too intimidating and a Vespa, well, too
Ricky Martin. So how about buying your biker babe something that's butch enough
for Queen Latifah, but tame enough for Justin Timberlake? Thanks to Buell
Motorcycles, such a toy exists in the form of the Blast, a $4,000 beauty that's
also good enough for fly guy Lenny Kravitz. For the novice driver, there's even a
Rider's Edge program that will toughen up any softie who still needs training
wheels.
www.buell.com
Fashionably Late
If you had a dollar for
every minute you've waited for the fashionably late one, you'd be very wealthy
right now. If you're sick and tired of withering away, watching your hair turn
grey as your lunch date turns into a dinner one, consider taking a lighthearted,
comical approach to the situation with Armitron's Scooby Doo, Spider Man or
Wonder Woman watches. They may keep current time, but perhaps they'll inspire the
timeless one with memories of the days they used to get up early for
Saturday morning cartoons.
$25-$30, Available at Burdine's,
1674 Meridian Ave., Miami Beach, 305-674-6300;
22 E Flagler St., 305-372-3812
Barbie Girl
Before Britney there was Barbie, the timeless beauty who
still has no clue that her boyfriend Ken is gay. And if you know someone who
still believes in Santa and has no clue that Ken is a friend of Dorothy's, the
Barbie Nutcracker is a dream come true. Before those of you who know
better start cracking lewd jokes, this full-length feature film--Barbie's
first--isn't something found in the Adult Only section of your local video store,
but, rather, a perky spin on the Tchaikovsky classic.
$14.99, Best Buy,
21035 Biscayne Blvd., Aventura, 305-933-9025;
7755 SW 40th St., 305-267-9913
www.bestbuy.com
Bedazzler
A graduate of the Liberace and Neil Diamond school of
over-adornment, this person knows not the meaning of white space. Everything has
to be covered in rhinestones and sequins, even the toilet seat. Ouch! Surprise
this razzle dazzler by sending in his or her very favorite item (if you can find
one that's still free of their gaudy artistry) to Project Stud, where it will be
returned in its fully flashy glory. No item will go unstoned. For inspiration, DJ
Samantha Ronson had her turntable beaded. They'll do anything that isn't
living.
Call Project Stud, 212-501-4482
Cheap Date
He's a good catch, you insist, with a job, excellent manners,
a sense of humor and a full
head of hair. Somehow you always seem to leave out the fact that he's a tightwad.
While your mother insists you dump him immediately, you know that Miami isn't
exactly a hotbed of quality dates, so you decide you'll keep him around for the
time being. While he hardly deserves a gift this holiday season--you'll be lucky
if you emerge with a $10 bottle of imitation Chanel No. 5--there is something you
can get him that will be more of a gift to yourself than him. The AMC Night at
the Movies deal includes 2 tickets, 2 popcorns and 2 drinks all for $25. Who
could forget the last time you guys went to the theater and you were so hungry
you were about to scrape up the squashed Sour Patch Kids from the gnarly floor?
AMC South Dade 8 Theaters,
18591 S Dixie Hwy., Miami, 305-238-5795;
AMC Theaters, Sheridan Plaza 12.
4999 Sheridan St., Hollywood, 954-987-4680;
www.amctheaters.com
Big Baby
You'd be surprised to discover just who still sleeps with a
teddy bear. That hot guy pumping iron at the gym? He does. The woman whose
silicone implants are so massive there's practically no room left in her bed for
anything/anyone? Yup, she does too. And because parting is such sweet sorrow when
it comes to dumping a beloved stuffed animal, not to mention because you may be
feeling a bit neglected lately, the Build A Bear Workshop, a place which uses the
word beary' almost as much as the word the' is used in the English language,
prides itself on being a place where best friends are made. Your dear friend
loves you very much, we're sure, but she has a special place in her heart for her
teddy bear. Create a custom-made teddy bear in your own likeness and hopefully
she will adore you as much as you had hoped. But don't expect your beary good
friend to dump her teddy and, instead, don one for you, her very needy,
life-sized teddy bear any time soon.
$10-$25, Build A Bear Workshop,
Aventura Mall,
19575 Biscayne Blvd., Aventura, 305-931-8676;
The Gardens,
3101 PGA Blvd., Palm Beach Gardens, 561-630-7734;
www2.buildabear.com
Foodie
Your favorite foodie would leave her husband in a minute in
favor of restaurateur Myles Chefetz, the man whose culinary visions have spawned
Nemo, Big Pink and Shoji Sushi, three of South Beach's hautest eateries. Since
that's not something you want to get involved in, consider a trio of gift
certificates good for at least a meal at each of Chefetz's establishments.
Available in any denomination. 305-219-2740
The One Who Stands by You
No matter what, this person always makes
sure there's a seat for you. Whether you're at a bar or a standing-room-only
event, this kind person makes sure there's somewhere cushy to rest your tushy.
Poor thing. Too much standing can cause varicose veins, you know. Take a stand
for once in your life and get this person the Portable Loveseat, which is
actually big enough to fit two booties, as long as each one doesn't exceed the
250 pound maximum. And while the two of you are sitting, you'll actually be
taking a stand against terrorism, as this made-in-America product donates $10
from each sale to the Victims' Relief Fund.
www.cmonsite.com
Thigh Scraper
Sooner or later a large majority of women will inevitably
succumb to the wrath of the cottage cheese curse. Look at Liz Hurley or the
lither-than-life Jerry Hall. They both suffer from cellulite. Doctors say it's
genetic, so blame your mother, not your addiction to Burger King. If you have
smoothe thighs, consider yourself lucky. In the meantime the cellu-laden continue
to complain and do anything possible to rid themselves of this unsightly mess.
When she saw that special on Dateline about sandpapering away the
cellulite, she tried that. It didn't work. Whether you believe it or not, beauty
experts insist that Laboratoire Remede's slender Active Amplifier works by
causing a 4-percent reduction in the thickness of fat layers under the skin. What
they don't say is that the 4-percent is refilled with this cream. But, hey, a lot
of it is psychological. It can't hurt, right?
By the caseload for $300 or
individual bottles for $55,
Bliss Out, 888-243-8825 or
www.blissworld.com
Trendoid
Don't even talk to this person about NBC 6's so-called Trend
Tracker. It's like talking about pork to a kosher person. Blasphemy! Don't do it!
In fact, this person even criticizes Vogue magazine for being too behind
the times, missing the beat on all the latest and greatest in fashion and general
hipsterhood. So what the hell can you possibly get the person who always seems to
have everything at least a season before everyone else? You're no Nostradamus, so
don't even think about trying to predict what will be hot next season. The last
time you did that was when you thought the skinny tie was coming back. That was a
disaster. Your best bet, as far as a gift for the trendoid is concerned, is a
subscription to the cooler-than-thou Brit-port known as Spruce, the
fashionable, younger sibling to the so-hip-it's-painful Wallpaper
magazine. And while you're at it, you may as well sign yourself up for one, too,
because we know you were eyeing those godawful acid-washed jeans you saved from
the 80s in the hopes that they'd make a comeback.
Spruce is biannual. A
subscription includes a one-year subscription to Wallpaper magazine, $67,
[email protected]
Boyfriend with the Unibrow
As a child you never imagined dating Bert
from Sesame Street. Ever. If anything, cute, cuddly Ernie, but Bert? He's
evil. And what's up with that continuous eyebrow? It's scary. Welcome to your
adult life, when most straight men tend not to pluck their brows even if they do
look as if they've been separated at birth from Bert. And while you continue to,
uh, browbeat over this disturbing matter, it's not doing anything to part the
brows a la Moses and the Red Sea. A not-so-subtle gift idea for your Bert
lookalike is Poetic Cosmetics' Precision Brow Shaping set in which perfectly
placed brows are guaranteed. Complete with five pairs of reusable stick-on
shaping stencils, one pan each of light, medium, and dark browshades, an
arch-enhancing browbone toner, dual-ended applicator and a tube of Brow'd
Control, clear grooming and setting gel. Sure it sounds a bit effeminate, but
tell him that you read (in In Style) that Harrison Ford uses it, or one of
his favorite, macho athletes. Good luck.
For a female with similar
problem, replace Bert mentions (except the evil part, of course) with Frida
Kahlo.
Bliss Out, 888-243-8825 or
www.blissworld.com
Browbeater
Unlike the aforementioned, this person is constantly
doing something to his or her eyebrows, whether it's plucking, waxing, penciling
or, more often than not, mangling. In fact, they're almost beyond repair, nearly
nonexistent with a shape as amorphous as an amoeba's. Let this person's poor
brows take some shape with DV8-the Salon's brilliant, wax-free eyebrow sculpting.
Known as threading, this technique guarantees a defined shape without damaging
the surrounding skin. We'd explain how it's done, but it's something you have to
see to believe.
$20, DV8-the Salon, 1860 West Ave.,
Miami Beach,
305-695-0234
Venus Williams Fan
First and foremost, Venus Williams is a tennis
player. A good one, at that. And sort of like the models who want to act, the
actors who want to direct and the fools that can't be satisfied with their one,
well- paying talent-slash-career, Venus Williams, a graduate of a Fort Lauderdale
fashion school, wants to be a clothing designer. Say no more, said Wilsons
Leather, which is now featuring the official Venus Williams Collection of
leatherwear, not tenniswear, but leatherwear that only a true fan could love.
Choose from several styles of jackets, pants and skirts. Too bad there's not a
leather muzzle to shut Venus's dad up when she's on the court.
From $80,
Wilsons Leather,
Bayside Marketplace, 401 Biscayne Blvd., 305-358-3872;
Sawgrass Mills, 12801 W Sunrise Blvd, 954-846-7082
Anna Kournikova
Fan
Most people like the Williams sisters for their talent. Those who tend to
obsess over Anna Kournikova, however, are digging her for other reasons.
If you need to know what these are, then don't even bother continuing. For the
die-hard Anna fan, the tennis nymph has her very own video. No, not that
kind of video, but Basic Elements, Anna's complete, and we mean complete,
fitness guide. Somehow, we think that the recipients of this video will spend
most of their viewing time working up a different kind of sweat.
$14.99,
Best Buy,
21035 Biscayne Blvd., Aventura, 305-933-9025;
7755 SW 40th St., 305-267-9913;
www.bestbuy.com
Tough Cookie
This one's a food snob, a clothes snob, a movie snob.
Generally, a pain in the ass. Nothing is every up to par with the standards of
this overly critical person. While your first thought is to not get this person a
gift at all, we've got something that's hard for anyone to look down upon.
Unless, of course, they don't like sweets, in which case, skip the rest of this
and proceed to the next items. Otherwise, the hard-to-top Neiman-Marcus Christmas
Book catalogue has a perfect gift for this person. A tin of 13 not just sweet,
but chic, cookies from Eleni's New York Bakery created in the likeness of items
by Gucci, Kate Spade, Burberry and Oscar de la Renta, among others. Shoes, bags
and dresses, all edible. If the person starts to complain, just shove one of
these in their mouth.
$65, 800-825-8000
Calorie Conscious
The calorie conscious person has a real problem
with letting things go. For instance, who cares that the piece of Trident you
just offered her has five calories? Get over it and live a little, right?! This
person gets more joy out of being a killjoy, telling you just as you're about to
dig your fork into a piece of cake that it has more calories than a Big Mac. Tell
this person to keep her calories to herself and give her the BalanceLog Palm
Pilot, a contraption that provides instant feedback and a better understanding of
calorie intake than Suzanne Sommers ever could. In addition, the gadget allows
the calorie-consumed to set personal weight management and nutrition goals,
individualize food programs based on metabolic rate, tracks calories in and
calories out (gross!), search a database of over 300 exercises and 3,000 foods
and, finally, track nutrients in food intake to ensure the most optimum
nutrition. While your friend's busy inputting and outputting caloric information,
you'll be free to order that extra large, extra cheese pepperoni pizza you were
eyeing on that Domino's commercial last night!
BalanceLog software,
$49
or $169 PDA
BalanceLog Software for Palm or Desktop
$169 PDA w/ software
www.healthetech.com.
Gossip Monger
There's the guy at the water cooler who can't get
enough of inter-office hearsay. Then there's the girl you went to high school
with twenty years ago who still can't stop talking about what happened in the
11th grade. There's your best friend who lives by and for "Page Six" and believes
everything she reads on it. And then there's your mother-in-law who considers the
tabloids more sacred than the Bible and calls you every time a celebrity enters
rehab, Julia Roberts changes boyfriends, and Madonna changes accents. Liz Smith
once said that gossip is the most important meal of the day and, for these
people, it's nothing but the truth. So what better gift to give them than the
memoirs of the aging celebrity ass kisser herself? Liz Smith's Natural Blonde:
A Memoir gives the low down on the time Frank Sinatra told her off and just
about everything --and everyone--else she ever experienced, encountered and
covered during her illustrious career. In fact it's so chock-full of schlock, it
may be overkill for the reader, ultimately turning them off to the nonsense.
Which, in your opinion, is the best gossip you could ever hear.
$7.99, Books
& Books,
265 Aragon Ave., Coral Gables, 305-442-4408;
933 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach; 305-532-3222;
www.booksandbooks.com
Smoker
His fingers are stained from years of nicotine consumption and it's too
late to do anything about it, unless, of course he considers going the Michael
Jackson skin pigmentation depletion route. Rather than allow him to turn his
hands into a jaundiced mess, get him a hookah--no, not that kind, that's still
illegal--in which he can stuff a number of flavored tobaccos and smoke all he
wants without getting his hands soiled.
$60-$150,
www.buddhasbelly.com
Harry Potter Fan
The media blitz has already begun
for the movie version of the hugely successful Harry Potter series and while the
thought of collecting every tchotchke McDonald's doles out with its Happy Meals
gives you indigestion, you know someone who'd be willing to go up a few sizes
just to get 'em all. And that's just the mother of the devout Harry Potter fan.
Kids of all ages who are engrossed in J.K. Rowling's phantasmagorical world of
Harry and company will absolutely love this pop-up book that almost makes it seem
as if you're a student of Hogwarts, too. Almost. But then again, the person who
appreciates Harry Potter already has a vivid imagination, so this book is for
serious fans--and their children--only.
Hogwarts School: A Magical 3-D
Carousel Pop-Up, $24,
www.amazon.com
Alleged Art Aficionado
Why is it that so many single men think that
having insipid Ansel Adams prints on their walls means they're "into fine art"?
Not to slam the landscape-obsessed photographer or anything, but there's a heck
of a lot more to fine art than a Kodak moment with trees and ice caps. To each
his own, we suppose. So, for this guy who loves Ansel Adams, Ansel Adams at
100 is more than he could ask for. Chock-full of over 100 photographs, the
book is, well, full of lovely landscapes. Enough said.
$150, Books & Books,
265 Aragon Ave., Coral Gables, 305-442-4408;
933 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach; 305-532-3222;
www.booksandbooks.com
Purpose Server
Life and tennis are both games. Games are meant to be
won, despite what your mother told you. And in some games fighting is encouraged.
Not the cat fighting between Martina Hingis and Anna Kournikova, but the fight
against cancer. If you know someone who plays tennis, give him or her a whole new
reason to hit the ball with Penn's special-edition, pink tennis balls that read
"Serve Up a Cure." Half the proceeds from the sale of these balls will go to
SHARE, Strang Cancer Prevention and the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer
Foundation.
$10 for a pack of three, www.tennisexpress.com
Stoner
Not that we encourage this person's habit, but if you know
someone who insists they perform better while under the influence, they're gonna
love you almost as much as they do Jerry Garcia when you present them with this,
the world's first collapsible, inflatable water pipe. Portable and almost
reminiscent of an oxygen mask, the Pfwoot (maybe the name makes more sense after
you've inhaled) is just a foot tall, available in blue with other colors to come.
To use it, it needs to be blown up, which is a dubious task for someone who likes
to inhale lots of smoke, but it sure is convenient to conceal when deflated. It
also comes with a removable bowl and a built-in stem. Rendering the three-foot
long tube as antiquated as the 8-track tape, the Pfwoot is not your father's
bong.
$20, www.pfwoot.com
Voyeur
This guy's dream come true is to sneak behind the rack in the
communal dressing room at Loehmann's on a sale day and just...watch. As a kid he
preferred to peer through binoculars than through his Viewmaster. Now that he can
afford super- powerful telescopes, his peering range has increased from across
the street to across the city. One of these days he's gonna get arrested. But in
the meantime, give him a full-frontal, legal view of the ladies in Apartment
7, the East Village apartment where women have disrobed for photog Peter
Gorman in the hopes that someone would look at them. Such is not the case with
the ladies at Loehmann's.
$34.95, Books & Books,
265 Aragon Ave., Coral Gables, 305-442-4408 ;
933 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach; 305-532-3222;
www.booksandbooks.com
Single and Always Looking Girl Friend
For this girl, a date is
almost as routine as brushing her teeth. No less than twice a day, sometimes
more. You see, she's on a constant crusade to find the elusive Mr. Right.
Everything she does--a trip to Publix, filling up at the gas station, a latte at
Starbucks, etc--revolves around finding a guy. Some may call her a desperado but
she'll be the first to tell you she's just actively looking', which in our book
is the PC term for desperado. At any rate, give her a gift she can totally relate
to in the form of author Rochelle Morton's book, My 1,000 Americans: A
Year-Long Journey Through the Personals. Over the course of one year, Morton
placed personals ads in New York City and Miami (maybe in this very newspaper)
and compiled the bizarre, twisted and pathetic replies of over 1,000 men, many
whom she actually met. Brave girl. Anyway, after your friend realizes that half
these men are married or have criminal records, perhaps she'll finally be
deterred from meeting men via internet chat rooms. Or maybe she'll just recognize
several of her past dates in the book and use that as her M.O. for continuing on
in her quest to find "the one."
$13, Books & Books,
265 Aragon Ave., Coral
Gables, 305-442-4408;
933 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach; 305-532-3222;
www.booksandbooks.com
Precocious Little Sister
Remember when you gave your sister her
first Barbie doll and she responded ever so matter of factly, "Barbie is the
personification of an erroneous, society-driven beauty myth in which women are
mere objects"? She was only four then. So, while she may still be of doll-age,
there's no way you would even think of wasting your money on a Britney doll.
Enter the Get Real Girl, a line of multiracial action adventure figures who would
never, ever associate with Barbie if they had the chance. There's a
Japanese-American, and African-American and a bi-racial doll, each with a
distinct purpose other than to look pretty and remain silent. Well, these remain
silent, too, but their down to earthiness speaks volumes.
$20, Toys R Us,
551 NE 167th St., North Miami Beach, 305-653-8697;
19525 S Dixie Hwy.,
305-233-6122 or
www.toysrus.com
Hippie Chick
Would your friend rather look like Janis Joplin than
J-Lo? If so, then anything from Miami Twice will make her happier than a heroin
addict in a poppy field. Groovy clothes and accessories of a vintage nature are
sure to please the throwback who, to your dismay, refuses to cross over from
8-track to MP3. And while the items are bona fide relics from the days of
Woodstock, you can be assured they've been washed since. Unlike your friend's
booty-length hair.
Miami Twice,
6562 SW 40th St., 305-666-0127
Boss
He doesn't make you kiss his ring, but you'd much rather kiss
that than his you- know-what. Alas, you must pay your dues and respect the man
despite the fact that you think he's an ignoramus. He does sign your check, you
know. And while you have oodles and oodles of fun compiling lists of your boss's
shortcomings, without him, you'd be scraping grease off a fry daddy. So, to show
your (feigned) appreciation for the man, honor him with the Godfather DVD
collection and pay him a dubious compliment by telling him that Don Corleone's
got nothing on him.
$69.99, Circuit City,
20669 Biscayne Blvd., Aventura,
305-933-8616;
Sawgrass Mills, 12300 W Sunrise Blvd., 954-476-1544;
www.circuitcity.com
Germphobe, His and Hers
They've seen all the
specials on Dateline about the ghastly levels of E-Coli in the gym, at
salad bars and, gag, public toilets. They buy antibacterial hand lotion in bulk
quantities from Costco. They can never be too clean. But sadly, their cleanliness
prevents them from getting down and dirty in the boudoir. This holiday season,
give them something that will wash away their paranoia, albeit temporarily.
Liquid Personalities' Stud Muffin Hand Soap adds a macho, manly twist to the
overly floral scents of most hand soaps. For more incentive to wash, Safe Soap is
a bar of pure glycerin, but once you lather up, in the middle of the bar is a
condom. Sort of like the prize in a cereal box, only to get to this prize, you
needn't soil your hands. On the otherhand....
Stud Muffin Soap, $7.95;
Safe Soap, $8.95
Pink Palm Company,
737 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach, 305-538-8373,
www.pinkpalm.com
CD Collector
It all started when your friend first joined the BMG
music club--12 CDs for a penny! Then he joined Columbia House. And then BMG,
again, under his brother's name. He also has a very good friend who does
publicity for a major record label. More free CDs. After a while, all the
freebies added up and now he barely has room in his house for himself. And
despite the impressive collection, he has no idea what he has and always ends up
listening to the same freakin' CD every day. Urban Outfitters has come up with
the ideal gift for this person, CD wallpaper in which one can plaster their walls
with their entire collection--each set holds 24. Help your friend tack on the
wallpaper and make sure that you hide the Leo Sayer's Greatest Hits in a
room he's least likely to enter.
$16, Urban Outfitters,
653 Collins Ave.,
Miami Beach, 305-535-9726;
The Shops at Sunset Place,
5701 Sunset Dr., South
Miami, 305-663-1536
www.urbanoutfitters.com
Egomaniac
This person thinks "You're So Vain" was written about her.
And she wasn't even born yet. Her apartment has more mirrors than Versailles and,
if you count, there are at least 16 photos of just her lying around. And that's
just in the bedroom. At parties, conversations inevitably center on her because
she's got a way with taking any subject and making it hers and hers alone. She's
one of those people who never asks "How are you?" and if she does, it's just a
segueway to a long ranting about her latest ills and pains. That's why All
About Me is an ideal gift for her. An 82-page fill-in- the-blanks book that's
written by her biggest fan--herself. You see, this book is chock-full of
questions that the egomaniac can answer about herself. All about her memories,
dreams, beliefs and fears. Fears that if this were the last book on earth,
reading would become extinct, perhaps?
$16, Urban Outfitters,
653 Collins Ave.,
Miami Beach, 305-535-9726;
The Shops at Sunset Place,
5701 Sunset Dr., South
Miami, 305-663-1536
www.urbanoutfitters.com
Overgrown Fraternity Boy
This guy refuses to part with his fraternity
jerseys which, to your dismay, he still wears out in public. His collection of
shot glasses are more priceless than the Rolex he got for graduation 20 years ago
and his idea of intimacy with his girlfriend is a high five. Somehow, however, he
manages to hold down a decent job, one for which he travels extensively. And
while his business suits are something he almost always forgets on these trips,
give him something he's sure to carry with him at all times. The Weekend Fun Pack
is a portable frat party--with bottle opener, dice, a shot glass, playing cards,
a wine opener (for when the beer runs out), four ping pong balls, and
instructions for beer pong, doubles, quarters and other brain-busting drinking
games--that's sure to win him points with all those other business
dudes.
$9.99, Urban Outfitters,
653 Collins Ave.,
Miami Beach, 305-535-9726;
The Shops at Sunset Place,
5701 Sunset Dr., South
Miami, 305-663-1536
www.urbanoutfitters.com
Lush
How can a lush be fully satisfied with the traditional stainless
steel flask? It's a bitch to fill up, it doesn't hold all that much and its
contents are almost always tepid and steely. Eh, we suppose they don't care or
are too wasted to realize. But either way, there's something better--and
cooler--on the market. A thermos-like flask with three shot cups which are hidden
in the flask's leather casing. Even better, it holds 6 ounces of libation and
actually keeps the stuff chilled. And the boozy, hot pink elephant on the flask
is pretty cool, too.
$24.99, Urban Outfitters,
653 Collins Ave.,
Miami Beach, 305-535-9726;
The Shops at Sunset Place,
5701 Sunset Dr., South
Miami, 305-663-1536
www.urbanoutfitters.com
History Buff
Okay, so the recent state of affairs in the world are what tomorrow's text
books are made of. Gas masks, American flags and altered photos of Osama Bin
Laden are tomorrow's memorabilia. But what about the relics of the past? World
War II ration books, for example, are reminders of the fact that this country has
endured hard times and come out of them just fine. And before Walt Disney ever
conjured up his animated rodent and visions of Tommorowland, there was the
World's Fair. Tickets for the fair were as hard to come by as those for Madonna's
Drowned World Tour. Ah, memories.
Ration Books, $35; World's Fair tickets,
$35;
Miami Midcentury, 3404 N Miami Ave., 305-572-0558
Malodorous Mutt
No matter how cute your dog is, there's nothing
cute about the smell of wet dog. Even when the animal is completely dry. If, for
some reason, your pooch is putrid no matter how many baths you give it, consider
throwing the poor thing a bone in the form of Doogy, a fragrance for dogs. Like
CK One, it smells lovely on girl and boy dogs and a dollar from each sale
goes straight to the ASPCA, who can maybe put that money to good use in wiping
out smelly dog syndrome.
$18, Saks Fifth Avenue,
Bal Harbour Shops,
9700
Collins Ave., Bal Harbour, 305-865-1100;
Dadeland Mall,
7687 N Kendall Dr.,
305-662-8655;
5800 Glades Rd., Boca Raton, 561-393-9100;
172 Worth Ave., Palm
Beach, 561-833-2551; or 800-347-9177
Cellularphobe
So your mother absolutely hates the phone and screams
every time it rings. How are you ever going to persuade her to carry a cell
phone, then, for emergencies, of course? It's not a deterrent enough that pay
phones carry more germs than the inside of a dog's mouth. Consider disguising the
cell phone in a Cellbaby--a fuzzy cover that looks like a stuffed animal. Choose
from a cuddly bunny, puppy, alligator or beaver. So cute, your mother won't be
able to resist!
$9.99, www.cellbaby.com
Starstruck
Remember when your friend called you from his cellphone,
hyperventilating because Erik Estrada was pumping gas right next to him? Or what
about the time he actually schlepped to the opening of a Kmart in Homestead
because some minor soap opera actress was on hand to do the ribbon cutting?
Imagine if he actually ran into a real celebrity. Defibrillator, stat! Anyway,
PlayStation has exactly what a starstruck person needs--SSX Tricky, the newest
addition to the game's extreme sport series. What's so great about an extreme
sports video game, you ask? Well this one's got bona fide celebrities lending
their real voices to the game's players. Patricia Velasquez, Billy Zane, David
Arquette, Macy Gray, Lucy Liu, Oliver Platt, Jim Rose Circus and Bif Naked have
all got game in SSX Tricky. Even better, the music has been provided by Beastie
Boys DJ, Mixmaster Mike. Your friend will never get excited about Erik Estrada
again.
$49.99, Target,
14075 Biscayne Blvd., North Miami Beach,
305-944-5341;
7795 SW 40th St., Miami, 305-262-5767 www.target.com
The Indelibly Romantic
When Johnny Depp broke up with Winona Ryder, he
had his tattoo "Winona Forever" partially erased. It now reads "Wino Forever."
It's better than nothing, we suppose. While Depp may have learned his lesson,
others still haven't and insist on having the name of their love du jour
permanently inked into their bloodstream. Rather than taking the Cher route and
enduring painful tattoo removal (treatments take about 10 minutes, but cost $450
per tattoo inch), consider the Covermark Tattoo Cover Kit. Available in three
shades, the kit includes a neutralizing white primer to tone down color and two
blendable shades of pigmented and waterproof cover-up to prevent an embarrassing,
accidental erasing while you're lathering up with your latest.
$25,
800-524-1120
Junior Couch Potato
Like it or not, this kid takes after his father,
a man who hasn't gotten off the couch since All in the Family was still on
prime time. The couch potato gene has been inevitably passed on to junior, who,
until now, hasn't had the chance to become one with the remote since daddy won't
cede control of the thing, no if's and's or but's. The Weemote 2 is a remote made
just for the kids, allowing them to brainlessly channel surf, just like daddy,
through 10 programmable, child-safe channels. Even better, it works with almost
all TVs, cable boxes and digital recording contraptions such as Tivo. If the kid
wants to tune into Sex and the City, however, it ain't gonna happen. For
that, he's still gonna need daddy. And if dad asks the kid how he learned to
master a remote, all the kid has to do is echo that old anti-drug commercial and
say, "I learned it by watching you!"
$29.95, www.weemote.com
Baby Spielberg
When this kid was only four years old, he was already
criticizing camera angles used on his Barney videos. He also thought that Hayley
Joel Osment was a terrible casting choice in that I-see-dead-people movie. He's
also appalled that there was an American Pie II. Now a precocious
eight-year-old, this kid wants to make movies. And not just any movie, either. He
idolizes Steven Spielberg, even though, once again, he was disappointed with the
use of Osment in AI, which, he thought, could have been a much better
movie if he had any input in it. Though his hands are still too small for a
Panavision camera, the Intel Play Digital Movie Creator is a good training wheel,
an update of the old 8-mm camera allowing up to four minutes of digital video and
audio. The thing also comes with editing software just in case the junior
cameraman isn't pleased with his final cuts.
$99, www.intelplay.com
Skeptic
There's no way in hell a skeptic would ever believe a thing
on the Sci Fi network's smash hit Crossing Over with John Edward. You
believe it all and have seen every episode thus far. In fact, you could have
sworn you channeled the spirit of Elvis at karaoke night even though your friend
said your performance was absolutely pitiful and not even close. So what?
Disbelievers are missing out, you say. You may not be able to get your friend to
sit through an entire episode of Crossing Over because she says Edward's
quick-draw McGraw tactics make her crazy, but perhaps the book Crossing
Over will help convince her that it's not b.s. and that he does hear dead
people. Fat chance, but it's still an amusing read either way.
$34.50, Books
& Books,
265 Aragon Ave., Coral Gables, 305-442-4408;
933 Lincoln Rd., Miami
Beach, 305-532-3222;
www.booksandbooks.com
Photo Synthesizer
Forget about music making the people come
together. In this snap happy person's eyes, photos bring people together--by no
choice of their own. "Everybody get together for a photo," is this person's fave
phrase. And one photo isn't good enough, either. As a result, the Lomographic
Society has created the Supersampler camera, a pocket-sized four-lens camera that
has the ability to shoot four panoramic pictures in one shot. At least you won't
have to hear "Say cheese" four times in a row.
$50, www.lomography.com
Noisy Neighbor
Because of your apartment's paper-thin walls, you
know way too much about your neighbor. This person's amorous activities are more
reliable than your own alarm clock, but you never, ever set your alarm for 1 a.m.
every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. At least your alarm has a snooze button.
With this guy, there is no silencer to muffle his screams of ecstasy. A subtle
hint, perhaps, will do. The Electronic Stretch Screamer looks like a cross
between the Hulk and Herman Munster but when stretched, it makes a
most-irritating shriek; even better, when you squeeze its head, gross stuff comes
out. He'll get the picture. You hope.
$19.99, Target,
14075 Biscayne Blvd.,
North Miami Beach, 305-944-5341;
7795 SW 40th St., 305-262-5767;
www.target.com
Mariah Careyed Mom
Who works harder than your mom? She puts up with
all your nonsense, does your laundry, cooks you dinner and doesn't harass you
about the lack of grandchildren and a spouse even though you know it kills her.
She wears the soccer mom hat for your younger brother, the stage mom hat for your
JonBenet-ish sister (but she's no Patsy) and is the only person who visits your
older brother in jail on a weekly basis. There's barely time in her day for a
Calgon moment, but still, mom looks fab. How does she do it, you wonder? Although
she hasn't yet checked herself into a clinic for exhaustion, oftentimes, she's on
the verge. Remembering to call every Sunday is fine, but nothing shows your
appreciation for all she does better than a Pamper Me basket from Baskets By
Lisa, a collection of serenity-inducing items such as candles, lotions, truffles,
a relaxing CD and other things that show you care enough to send the very best.
$35-$150, 305-754-0057; www.basketsbylisa.net
Mom on the Run
As if taking care of an infant isn't enough exercise,
this mom doesn't feel like she's fully worked out unless she breaks a complete
sweat--and not one that ensues after the baby refuses to eat, sleep or poop.
Gymboree notwithstanding, mom deserves her own workout, but she's still afraid of
separation anxiety and won't leave the baby with the nanny or the
football-obsessed husband. With the Jogging Stroller, mom can sprint around town
with baby in tow. And in case she's worried about a potentially disastrous
projectile situation, the stroller has a very secure brake system--front and
rear--for safety.
$89.99, Target,
14075 Biscayne Blvd., North Miami Beach,
305-944-5341;
7795 SW 40th St., 305-262-5767;
www.target.com
Cross-Dressing Cook
(S)he already has the June Cleaver outfit, the
Martha Stewart wig and the Julia Child voice down pat. However, there's just too
much testosterone in the essence of Emeril. Although M.F.K. Fisher is probably
overcooking in her grave, the one-and-only Boy George, entertainer-turned- DJ,
can now add cookbook author to his colorful resume thanks to his collection of
recipes found in the Karma Cookbook, co-authored with his personal chef
Dragana Brown. All the recipes are macrobiotic and the vegetables
color-coordinated.
$15, www.amazon.co.uk
Rowdy Roadtrippers
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there
yet?" Ah, the inevitable, incessant line of questioning from the back seat boys
and girls unwillingly subjected to mom and dad's National Lampoon-esque
family vacation. If you haven't yet invested in one of those mini vans with the
TV and VCR combo to keep the kiddies entertained, consider Kids Travel: A
Backseat Survival Kit, chock-full of hours and hours and hours of entertainment
including make- your-own jewelry supplies, markers, dice, quiz cards, game
pieces, puzzles, song lyrics (yikes) and much, much more to ensure that the bored
to tears kids won't wilt away while dad refuses to ask directions, mom insists
you're way off track and, for some strange reason, Disney World looks very much
like Dollywood.
$19.95, Target,
14075 Biscayne Blvd., North Miami Beach,
305-944-5341;
7795 SW 40th St., 305-262-5767;
www.target.com
Aspiring Sushi Chef
Know someone who thinks they're Nobu Matsuhisa?
They should be so lucky. No, you should be so lucky, actually! But how do you
think Nobu got so famous? Practice, practice, practice! It's not gonna happen
with Uncle Ben's rice and seaweed scraped from the ocean floor, either. The Sushi
Chef Kit has all they need to make like Nobu, with cookbook, rice, nori, pickled
ginger, wasabi horseradish, soy sauce, rice vinegar, sushi vinegar, rice paddle
and a bamboo mat for rolling the sushi just like a pro.
$35.95,
www.cooking.com
Stock Broken
It's been rough for this guy. Really rough.
The circles under his eyes are deeper than the Grand Canyon and although he's
only 35, he could probably score the senior citizen's discount at the movies. He
works hard for your money and, to show him your appreciation, don't you dare
invest more money in the roller coaster stock market, but instead, invest
whatever you have left in a gift basket for your broken broker by Nature's
Euphoria, consisting of after-shave splash, soothing shaving antiseptic, massage
oil, moisturizing lotion, jock itch treatment (for the really active broker),
bath sponge, hand towel, shaving mug with a brush handle, deodorant and liquid
soap. All for a mere $55. It may not help the Dow Jones any, but it sure will
make your broker feel like a million bucks before the bell rings.
$55, www.natureseuphoria.com
Finicky Feline
There are some people who love cats more than--or in
place of--their own children. You know who they are. The ones who corner you at
the water cooler with photos of their cat's weekend exploits, the ones who throw
birthday parties for the animal, the ones who install video cameras in their
homes so they can keep track of the kitty on their "kitty cam" from work. There's
no explanation for their fixation, so don't even bother wasting your time trying
to figure it out. Because of all the pampering the cat has received, the dang
thing has become rather finicky and only expects the best. Giving the cat a case
of Purina is like giving a gourmand a gift certificate to McDonald's. Instead,
consider giving the finicky feline the whole kitty and caboodle in the form of a
fabulous gift basket consisting of organic grass, natural cat treats, coat
conditioner, canker treatment, flea collar, organic catnip, antiseptic for cuts
and wounds and plush towels.
$40, www.natureseuphoria.com
Microsoftie
Bill Gates may not be Jim Jones, but there's no denying
the existence of the cult of Microsoft. You can almost pick out the cult's
members in any Starbucks in the city. They almost look like clones of Gates, use
little direct eye contact, have messy mop-top hair, wear blue shirts and khakis.
And they're usually carrying--or buried in-- a computer. Computer goobers are
everywhere, but only the Microsoftie would give his RAM to be the first on the
block to have the new Xbox, Microsoft's answer to Sony Playstation. The creator
of Xbox claims that the machine will redefine video games just as MTV redefined
music. Um, is that supposed to be a good thing?
$499.94, Toys R Us,
551 NE
167th St., North Miami Beach, 305-653-8697;
19525 S Dixie Hwy., 305-233-6122 or
www.toysrus.com
Junior Martha Stewart
While most kids are happy with good ol' fashioned
peanut butter from a jar, this one isn't satisfied unless her PB & J is made with
homemade peanut butter, created, of course, from the peanuts grown in the back
yard. She can't play with the Play-Doh bought in the toy store, either. It has to
be whipped up from scratch. Her favorite television show isn't the Power Puff
Girls, either. It's all about Martha. Martha, Martha, Martha. Her idol, her
inspiration. God help you. Just wait until she asks you how she can make her own
baby. Yikes! Before she does that, consider the Metallic Bead-Pet kit, in which
the crafty one can make her own lovely animals out of beads. We bet Martha wished
she made metallic pets instead of having a daughter who dared to elope to avoid
her mother's manic wedding plans.
$15, Toys R Us,
551 NE 167th St., North
Miami Beach, 305-653-8697;
19525 S Dixie Hwy., 305-233-6122 or
www.toysrus.com
Sun Worshipper
This person has no clue that Ban de Soleil is really
the bane of her existence. Her face makes Edward James Olmos's look as smooth as
a baby's behind. George Hamilton pales in comparison to her and even though she's
only 25, people think her mother is her daughter. Tragic, isn't it? Replace her
suntan oil with botox, collagen or some form of facial rejuvenation before people
start mistaking her for an actress in a California raisin commercial.
About
Face Cosmetic Center,
16855 NE 2nd Ave., North Miami Beach, 305-249-9925 or
Aventura Center for Cosmetic Surgery,
2954 B Aventura Blvd., Aventura,
305-933-1838
Wannabe Weatherman
Okay, so you can't afford a Doppler Radar, but if
you know someone who idolizes Max Mayfield at the National Hurricane Center,
dresses up like Don Noe for Halloween, watches the Weather Channel 24/7, actually
liked that godawful tornado movie starring Helen Hunt and oftentimes points to an
invisible map while placing smiley face sun and cloud stickers on the
refrigerator, then we've got the perfect gift. The Storm Chaser Multi-Band Radio
features constant broadcasts from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric
Administration, as well as region-specific weather reports on everything from
marine updates to avalanche warnings. It's palm-sized, so in case your
weather-nut friend finds himself getting swept away in a tsunami, the radio is
bound to stay with him like a trusted friend.
$29.95, Restoration Hardware,
Aventura Mall,
19575 Biscayne Blvd., 305-935-1253;
The Gardens,
3101 PGA Blvd.,
Palm Beach Gardens, 561-625-3332
Beer Goggler
So, you're sick of hearing your friend whine every time
she ends up sucking face with some heinous ghoul at a bar because she was too
drunk to see that he looked like Quasimodo. You've already tried the AA route,
but she won't have any of it. You've also tried diluting her cocktails with
water, but she only ends up drinking more and ending up with more tools than a
Home Depot. How about the Eye Chart Shot Glasses, then? These glasses feature the
traditional eye chart so that when your friend's vision has blurred so much that
she starts spewing letters that don't even exist in the alphabet, you know it's
time to take her home and throw her in the shower. It's worth a, uh, shot, isn't
it?
$14, Restoration Hardware,
Aventura Mall,
19575 Biscayne
Blvd., 305-935-1253;
The Gardens,
3101 PGA Blvd., Palm Beach Gardens,
561-625-3332
Mr. or Mrs. Magoo
Who could forget the time when your
most-myopic friend substituted olive oil with Murphy's Oil during that
gastronomically disastrous dinner party? While she still may be no Julia Child,
prevent future poisonings and other assorted disasters by hooking her up with the
pros at AccuSight Laser Eye Center, where her oversights--or undersights,
rather--can be cured by a revolutionary technique using lasers, which makes us
wonder: If laser surgery cures the ills of sight, why do they call it
La-sik?
AccuSight Laser Eye Center,
550 Biltmore Way, Coral Gables,
305-442-4262
Sugar Daddy
You worked hard for his money--really hard. All those
nights spent at clubby steakhouses, five-star hotel bars and yacht clubs paid
off. Your self-investments in silicone were wise ones because, boy, did you get
his attention (and that's not an easy thing to do these days). God bless Anna
Nicole Smith! So now that you've scored your own Daddy Warbucks, what do you get
him besides a new nurse and a respirator? Why, a personal ATM machine, of course!
Not only will you save your sugar daddy his thrice-daily trips to the bank
machine, but you'll also be able to make your own withdrawals in the comfort of
your own home. Daddy dearest will pump the funds into the machine and you'll suck
them out. Even better, the machine comes with 10 ATM cards, which we suggest you
start passing out to the friends and family who put up with you during your
desperate hunt for Mr. Moneybags.
$20,000, FAO Schwarz,
5701 Sunset
Dr., South Miami, 305-668-2300;
3101 PGA Blvd., Palm Beach Gardens,
561-624-6840;
www.faoschwarz.com
Li'l Diddy
While most toddlers are happy playing in a sandbox,
this one would prefer to play in the VIP room of a haute club in L.A., the
Hamptons, South Beach, and pretty much wherever there's a member of the paparazzi
lurking. At his first birthday party, said toddler refused to wear his Garanimals
in favor of a flashy, splashy Baby Versace outfit. At his second birthday party,
the Gymboree was roped off with velvet and behemoth doormen, and at his third,
instead of Barney, this kid insisted on having a J-Lo impersonator. Instead of
reading Dr. Seuss, he prefers to read the rhymes of his idols, P. Diddy and co.
Ubiquitous in the neighborhood, he already has a posse of disciples who follow
his every move, from the playground to the swimming pool. What can you say? At
family gatherings, he makes his way into every photo and when asked what he wants
to be when he grows up, he answers, "an entertainment mogul famous for being
famous." Enough said. What better present than the Bentley Speed Six, a pedal car
crafted inthe style of the 1929 originals, featuring polished aluminum radiator
grill, pneumatic rubber tires on spoke wheels, rearview mirrors and a pedal
configuration that allows the driver to sit up higher than the conventional pedal
car. If he's gonna be a player, kid's gotta have a Bentley, right?
$7,500,
FAO Schwarz,
5701 Sunset Dr., South Miami, 305-668-2300;
3101 PGA Blvd.,
Palm Beach Gardens, 561-624-6840;
www.faoschwarz.com
Ex-Wife
She was your former first lady and still is the mother
of your kids. She haunts you, showing up in a bubble over your head like Gazoo in
The Flintstones, telling you what's right and what's wrong. What is
she, your mother? Sometimes she feels like your mother, which is why you divorced
her in the first place. But there's no getting rid of her. After all, she does
relieve you of parenting duties from Monday-Friday. That's no small shakes. Thank
her with a set of Barbara Bush Inaugural Pearls, an exact replica of the former
first lady's and now first mother's three-strand, hand-knotted pearl necklace,
created just for Babs by Kenneth Jay Lane.
$125, George Bush Presidential
Library Museum Store,
www.museumstore.com
Spiritually Empty
There's nothing worse than proselytizing,
whether you're Kathie Lee Gifford hawking schmattes on QVC or Donna Karan singing
the praises of Deepak Chopra. And religion--well, we won't go there. But what do
you do with someone who looks to someone like Hannibal Lecter for inspiration and
guidance? Call the police, maybe, but if he hasn't yet committed any crime,
that's not gonna help. A gift certificate good for a session or two of Ashtanga
Yoga could do the trick. Look at Madonna. Once she started practicing Ashtanga,
her whole disposition--and accent--changed. Ohm, it's worth a shot.
$120
per 90 minute session,
Massage By Design,
100 Collins Ave., Miami Beach,
305-532-3112
Newly Engaged Couple
Let their rich relatives buy them the Waterford
Crystal. After all, they've only been dating for two weeks and barely know each
other. Who knows if the engagement will last longer than their relationship? And
did we mention that they're only 18? Ah, kids in love! Isn't it sweet?
Commemorate their candy-coated commitment by giving them these limited- edition,
reissued, retro bride and groom Pez dispensers. Two rolls of candy included, of
course. Even better, it'll match the bride-to-be's gumball machine-bought
engagement ring.
$29.95, www.pez.com
Date-o-rexic
This person would rather sit home and watch
Blind Date than go on an actual date. When you ask why the person is so
averse to dating he/she points to Blind Date as his/her M.O. In fact, she
or he'd rather endure a root canal than deal with the insipid first date small
talk. Do you blame them? The last date this person went on probably took place
when the Olsen Twins were still toddlers. Even they're dating now. Scary, huh?
It's not easy, we know, but perhaps a little lunch "meeting" with a potential
suitor would do the person good. It's just lunch, they say, and this way, it
won't cut into the person's evening television line-up.
It's Just Lunch,
305-381-8888
Future Hairdresser
Some kids like to cut their dolls' hair, but usually
the poor thing ends up looking like Chucky. This kid is different, however. When
he does his doll's hair, people turn around to look. They want to know who did
that doll's hair and when they can make an appointment. In fact, his mother's
best friend was tempted to dis her coveted appointment with Oribe in favor of the
trim-happy tyke. He's got a gift and it can't be denied. So encourage his talent
by getting him the Hair and Nail Craft Studio, a professional-looking stylist's
box complete with all the necessary accessories and tools to perfect that
fabulous look. Take a number, Trend Tracker!
$30, Toy Town,
260 Crandon
Blvd., Key Biscayne, 305-361-5225
AOL Addict
To this person, AOL really stands for Always On Line.
What a box of chocolates was to Forrest Gump, the AOL Buddy List is to this
person. And if life is like a great big buddy list, then the ability to take this
buddy list wherever, whenever is absolute utopia. The AOL Mobile Communicator is
the beeper of the 21st century, allowing email and instant messaging from
anywhere, no modem, no DSL needed. Bliss, isn't it? As if cell phones in cars
aren't bad enough, imagine what it's like when a driver hears the words, "You've
got mail." Yikes! Perhaps this gift is best for bored office workers whose
employer has a penchant for reading employees' emails. Or those people who refuse
to turn off their cell phones in the movie theater in case their babysitter
should call with an emergency. Or your pesky sister who refuses to free up the
phone line because she's online chatting with each of her 300 buddies.
$99.95 plus $29.95 per month for service http://devices.aol.com/mobile
Slimeball
Know someone who gives you the willies? Perhaps it's
the guy in the cubicle next to yours, or, sadly, it may be your husband. And
while this person never seems to shed his skin, why not give him something that
does in the form of an albino iguana, python or an exotic albino Nile monitor?
Reptiles, unlike the recipient of this gift, aren't as slimy as they look,
really.
Snakes at Sunset,
9761 Sunset Dr., South Miami, 305-757-6253
Marriage-Obsessed Girlfriend
You love her dearly, really, you
do, but the idea of spending the rest of your life with anybody causes your body
to enter into a state of rigor mortis. You've cited Oprah and Steadman, Goldie
and Kurt and just about every other happily unmarried couple you could find, but
still, your girl won't accept it. She can't understand why you don't want to take
the plunge. So rather than diving into a lifetime of bondage, tell her
this holiday season that you do love her and you are ready to take the plunge.
Into the ocean, that is. Suggest that the two of you get certified to dive, sort
of as a test, you could say, and then, if you get along while being deprived of
oxygen below the depths of the ocean, maybe, just maybe you'll be able to allow
yourself to be suffocated in a state of till-death-do-you- part matrimony. The
course classroom training, pool training and then ocean dives at Pennekamp in Key
Largo. Now if they only had such a class for marriage
certification....
$145, South Beach Divers,
850 Washington Ave., Miami
Beach, 305-531-6110,
www.southbeachdivers.com
Velvet Rope Reject
This person always insists he knows the guy at
the door, but somehow, without fail, whenever you get up to the front, the
goonish doorman always looks at him like a deer in the headlights. He has no clue
who he is. Never has. Nor does he really want to know, frankly. Before your
frustrated friend resorts to claiming he's the cousin of one of the owners of
crobar, thwart the public humiliation and glide past the velvet ropes as easily
as any celebrity vis-a-vis a VIP table at the club for four, including a bottle
of champagne and a bottle of spirits. A definite ego booster!
$500, crobar,
1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, 305-531-5027
Invisible Man
This guy gets pushed around more now than when he was
still teething. Too nice to say no, hes probably some ruthless, heartless
persons assistant, slaving away and neglecting his own needs. Hes a faceless,
tireless guy who gets no respect or recognition. Oftentimes hes referred to as
that guy in the corner cubicle, the intern, or some guy. Give the guy a
break, learn his name, and treat him to a relaxing and soothing Hydra Essential
Facial that will cleanse, exfoliate and hydrate his neglected skin, giving him an
assertive glow that will hopefully help identify him as more than just another
cog in the wheel of corporate hell.
$65, Hydra Skincare Studio,
5050 Biscayne
Blvd., Suite #105, Miami, 305-751-2381