By John Thomason
By Benjy Caplan
By Artburst Miami
By Carlos Suarez De Jesus
By Daniel Reskin
She complains to you incessantly that you don't fulfill her needs. You have no clue what she wants. You've read everything John Gray has ever written. You've even secretly subscribed to both Rosie and Oprah magazines. Still, the answer to what women want is as much a mystery as the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa. Therefore, short of throwing your gal to the curb, the only solution is this: Get her the DVD of What Women Want, that ridiculous movie starring a chunky Mel Gibson and a bland- as-melba-toast Helen Hunt. Huh? Think of it this way, the movie doesn't make any more sense than your girlfriend's rantings, so at least this flick is some proof that no one, not even Hollywood and a formerly hunky Mel Gibson, has a clue what women want.
21035 Biscayne Blvd., 305-933-9025;
8450 S Dixie Hwy., 305-662-7073
The word slut is not gender-specific. While men take it as a compliment, women are offended. Or are they? Whatever the case, treat your favorite slut to a swank Smythson of Bond Street Visitor Book bound in goatskin, not latex, in which everyone who passes through his or her boudoir can sign their name, proving they were there. It also helps the more forgetful sluts to remember the names of those they've bedded when compiling those inevitable "lists."
$330, 1-877-SMYTHSON or
She was a Barbie girl in a Barbie world a few years ago. But now she's too old for those plasticine prissies. So she's a spoiled brat with an attitude. She'll grow out of it. In the meantime, she likes her dolls to have attitude, just like her. Which is why Jordache has created the Fashion Attitude Dolls (FAD), each with its own identity and, this is no joke, oversized head. Although their heads are in no way proportion to their skinny little bodies, there's something endearing about these dolls. Perhaps it's the ease with which you can rip their heads off. Nonetheless, we're sure the girls will love these dolls, if not for their big heads, for their keen, Jordache- brand of fashion sense.
$19.99, KB Toys,
19501 Biscayne Blvd., 305-931-2347;
7355 N Kendall Dr., 305-662-7031 and
If you know someone whose swing is a bit weak and foreplay is a major struggle, don't get him golf lessons, get him some balls! That's right, now you can purchase Tiger Woods' championship balls with this limited-edition set of 12. Made by Nike and not Mr. and Mrs. Woods, the balls come in a decorative tin with sleeves highlighting various tourneys that Tiger, of course, won.
$40, Nordstrom, Town Center Mall, 5820 Glades Rd.,
Boca Raton, 561-620-5555;
Don't feel bad for the clubkid who whines that no one understands his or her way of life. They love the nightlife, they've got to boogie. They're not the only ones. Show your support for their nocturnal lifestyle by proving that, for other people, too, there is Life After Dark, a comprehensive coffee-table book showcasing celebrities--what, you thought real people had exciting nightlives?--partying down over the past three decades.
$30, Books & Books,
265 Aragon Ave., Coral Gables, 305-442-4408;
933 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach, 305-532-3222;
She has no qualms spending $80 on a T-shirt as long as some haute couture label is loudly emblazoned on it, but she fails to see the need to spend $5 on a cab ride home even if it means walking a few miles in her masochistic Manolo Blahnik stilettos. She'll even admit that she delved into Ashtanga yoga when she discovered, thanks to In Style magazine, that Madonna is a devout fanatic. And while she'll complain that her yoga classes are a bit pricey, she wouldn't flinch when she hears that this Gucci yoga mat costs $870. In fact, she'll be more than happy to remain in the Lotus position for hours as long as she's contorting herself on this stylish mat on which the yin and yang of label whores--the Gucci logo--is repeated more times than she can say "ohm." And because yoga certainly works up a major sweat, she'll certainly need a water bottle to quench her thirst. Gucci makes one of those, too. It's only $80. Don't even think of hiding that article in which the dudes from Dolce and Gabbana praise the wonders of jump roping. Though they haven't yet made a D&G jump rope, Gucci has. It's only $120 and comes in a stylish case. And you thought your fancy cross trainers were a bit extravagant.
Bal Harbour Shops,
9700 Collins Ave., Bal Harbour, 305-868-6504;
256 Worth Ave., Palm Beach, 561-655-6955
No dosage of prescription drugs can relieve this person of the anxiety of believing that everyone and everything is out to get him. He's a prisoner of his own paranoia and walks through life as if it were a never-ending scene in some horror flick starring Jamie Lee Curtis in which every step may be his last. He had to get rid of his dog because he thought the fleas were really a form of FBI wire-tapping. The last time you rang his bell, you heard blood- curdling shrieks coming from inside. Apparently he thought you were coming to take him away. The men in the white suits tried that route, but it didn't work. Give your plagued friend a small sense of security in the form of Philips' Mini wired color security camera, which can be mounted anywhere, from the basement to the backyard. At least if Jason really comes to get him, he'll be able to recognize the hockey mask in advance and prepare to panic accordingly.
14075 Biscayne Blvd., North Miami Beach, 305-944-5341;
7795 SW 40th St., Miami, 305-262-5767