Donít Get Holidazed!

Holiday Gift Guide 2001

Junior Martha Stewart
While most kids are happy with good ol' fashioned peanut butter from a jar, this one isn't satisfied unless her PB & J is made with homemade peanut butter, created, of course, from the peanuts grown in the back yard. She can't play with the Play-Doh bought in the toy store, either. It has to be whipped up from scratch. Her favorite television show isn't the Power Puff Girls, either. It's all about Martha. Martha, Martha, Martha. Her idol, her inspiration. God help you. Just wait until she asks you how she can make her own baby. Yikes! Before she does that, consider the Metallic Bead-Pet kit, in which the crafty one can make her own lovely animals out of beads. We bet Martha wished she made metallic pets instead of having a daughter who dared to elope to avoid her mother's manic wedding plans.
$15, Toys R Us,
551 NE 167th St., North Miami Beach, 305-653-8697;
19525 S Dixie Hwy., 305-233-6122 or
www.toysrus.com

Sun Worshipper
This person has no clue that Ban de Soleil is really the bane of her existence. Her face makes Edward James Olmos's look as smooth as a baby's behind. George Hamilton pales in comparison to her and even though she's only 25, people think her mother is her daughter. Tragic, isn't it? Replace her suntan oil with botox, collagen or some form of facial rejuvenation before people start mistaking her for an actress in a California raisin commercial.
About Face Cosmetic Center,
16855 NE 2nd Ave., North Miami Beach, 305-249-9925 or
Aventura Center for Cosmetic Surgery,
2954 B Aventura Blvd., Aventura, 305-933-1838

Wannabe Weatherman
Okay, so you can't afford a Doppler Radar, but if you know someone who idolizes Max Mayfield at the National Hurricane Center, dresses up like Don Noe for Halloween, watches the Weather Channel 24/7, actually liked that godawful tornado movie starring Helen Hunt and oftentimes points to an invisible map while placing smiley face sun and cloud stickers on the refrigerator, then we've got the perfect gift. The Storm Chaser Multi-Band Radio features constant broadcasts from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, as well as region-specific weather reports on everything from marine updates to avalanche warnings. It's palm-sized, so in case your weather-nut friend finds himself getting swept away in a tsunami, the radio is bound to stay with him like a trusted friend.
$29.95, Restoration Hardware,
Aventura Mall,
19575 Biscayne Blvd., 305-935-1253;
The Gardens,
3101 PGA Blvd., Palm Beach Gardens, 561-625-3332

Beer Goggler
So, you're sick of hearing your friend whine every time she ends up sucking face with some heinous ghoul at a bar because she was too drunk to see that he looked like Quasimodo. You've already tried the AA route, but she won't have any of it. You've also tried diluting her cocktails with water, but she only ends up drinking more and ending up with more tools than a Home Depot. How about the Eye Chart Shot Glasses, then? These glasses feature the traditional eye chart so that when your friend's vision has blurred so much that she starts spewing letters that don't even exist in the alphabet, you know it's time to take her home and throw her in the shower. It's worth a, uh, shot, isn't it?
$14, Restoration Hardware,
Aventura Mall,
19575 Biscayne Blvd., 305-935-1253;
The Gardens,
3101 PGA Blvd., Palm Beach Gardens, 561-625-3332

Mr. or Mrs. Magoo
Who could forget the time when your most-myopic friend substituted olive oil with Murphy's Oil during that gastronomically disastrous dinner party? While she still may be no Julia Child, prevent future poisonings and other assorted disasters by hooking her up with the pros at AccuSight Laser Eye Center, where her oversights--or undersights, rather--can be cured by a revolutionary technique using lasers, which makes us wonder: If laser surgery cures the ills of sight, why do they call it La-sik?
AccuSight Laser Eye Center,
550 Biltmore Way, Coral Gables, 305-442-4262

Sugar Daddy
You worked hard for his money--really hard. All those nights spent at clubby steakhouses, five-star hotel bars and yacht clubs paid off. Your self-investments in silicone were wise ones because, boy, did you get his attention (and that's not an easy thing to do these days). God bless Anna Nicole Smith! So now that you've scored your own Daddy Warbucks, what do you get him besides a new nurse and a respirator? Why, a personal ATM machine, of course! Not only will you save your sugar daddy his thrice-daily trips to the bank machine, but you'll also be able to make your own withdrawals in the comfort of your own home. Daddy dearest will pump the funds into the machine and you'll suck them out. Even better, the machine comes with 10 ATM cards, which we suggest you start passing out to the friends and family who put up with you during your desperate hunt for Mr. Moneybags.
$20,000, FAO Schwarz,
5701 Sunset Dr., South Miami, 305-668-2300;
3101 PGA Blvd., Palm Beach Gardens, 561-624-6840;
www.faoschwarz.com

Li'l Diddy
While most toddlers are happy playing in a sandbox, this one would prefer to play in the VIP room of a haute club in L.A., the Hamptons, South Beach, and pretty much wherever there's a member of the paparazzi lurking. At his first birthday party, said toddler refused to wear his Garanimals in favor of a flashy, splashy Baby Versace outfit. At his second birthday party, the Gymboree was roped off with velvet and behemoth doormen, and at his third, instead of Barney, this kid insisted on having a J-Lo impersonator. Instead of reading Dr. Seuss, he prefers to read the rhymes of his idols, P. Diddy and co. Ubiquitous in the neighborhood, he already has a posse of disciples who follow his every move, from the playground to the swimming pool. What can you say? At family gatherings, he makes his way into every photo and when asked what he wants to be when he grows up, he answers, "an entertainment mogul famous for being famous." Enough said. What better present than the Bentley Speed Six, a pedal car crafted inthe style of the 1929 originals, featuring polished aluminum radiator grill, pneumatic rubber tires on spoke wheels, rearview mirrors and a pedal configuration that allows the driver to sit up higher than the conventional pedal car. If he's gonna be a player, kid's gotta have a Bentley, right?
$7,500, FAO Schwarz,
5701 Sunset Dr., South Miami, 305-668-2300;
3101 PGA Blvd., Palm Beach Gardens, 561-624-6840;
www.faoschwarz.com

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