Donít Get Holidazed!

Holiday Gift Guide 2001

Precocious Little Sister
Remember when you gave your sister her first Barbie doll and she responded ever so matter of factly, "Barbie is the personification of an erroneous, society-driven beauty myth in which women are mere objects"? She was only four then. So, while she may still be of doll-age, there's no way you would even think of wasting your money on a Britney doll. Enter the Get Real Girl, a line of multiracial action adventure figures who would never, ever associate with Barbie if they had the chance. There's a Japanese-American, and African-American and a bi-racial doll, each with a distinct purpose other than to look pretty and remain silent. Well, these remain silent, too, but their down to earthiness speaks volumes.
$20, Toys R Us,
551 NE 167th St., North Miami Beach, 305-653-8697;
19525 S Dixie Hwy., 305-233-6122 or

Hippie Chick
Would your friend rather look like Janis Joplin than J-Lo? If so, then anything from Miami Twice will make her happier than a heroin addict in a poppy field. Groovy clothes and accessories of a vintage nature are sure to please the throwback who, to your dismay, refuses to cross over from 8-track to MP3. And while the items are bona fide relics from the days of Woodstock, you can be assured they've been washed since. Unlike your friend's booty-length hair.
Miami Twice,
6562 SW 40th St., 305-666-0127

He doesn't make you kiss his ring, but you'd much rather kiss that than his you- know-what. Alas, you must pay your dues and respect the man despite the fact that you think he's an ignoramus. He does sign your check, you know. And while you have oodles and oodles of fun compiling lists of your boss's shortcomings, without him, you'd be scraping grease off a fry daddy. So, to show your (feigned) appreciation for the man, honor him with the Godfather DVD collection and pay him a dubious compliment by telling him that Don Corleone's got nothing on him.
$69.99, Circuit City,
20669 Biscayne Blvd., Aventura, 305-933-8616;
Sawgrass Mills, 12300 W Sunrise Blvd., 954-476-1544;

Mark Poutenis
Mark Poutenis

Germphobe, His and Hers
They've seen all the specials on Dateline about the ghastly levels of E-Coli in the gym, at salad bars and, gag, public toilets. They buy antibacterial hand lotion in bulk quantities from Costco. They can never be too clean. But sadly, their cleanliness prevents them from getting down and dirty in the boudoir. This holiday season, give them something that will wash away their paranoia, albeit temporarily. Liquid Personalities' Stud Muffin Hand Soap adds a macho, manly twist to the overly floral scents of most hand soaps. For more incentive to wash, Safe Soap is a bar of pure glycerin, but once you lather up, in the middle of the bar is a condom. Sort of like the prize in a cereal box, only to get to this prize, you needn't soil your hands. On the otherhand....
Stud Muffin Soap, $7.95;
Safe Soap, $8.95
Pink Palm Company,
737 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach, 305-538-8373,

CD Collector
It all started when your friend first joined the BMG music club--12 CDs for a penny! Then he joined Columbia House. And then BMG, again, under his brother's name. He also has a very good friend who does publicity for a major record label. More free CDs. After a while, all the freebies added up and now he barely has room in his house for himself. And despite the impressive collection, he has no idea what he has and always ends up listening to the same freakin' CD every day. Urban Outfitters has come up with the ideal gift for this person, CD wallpaper in which one can plaster their walls with their entire collection--each set holds 24. Help your friend tack on the wallpaper and make sure that you hide the Leo Sayer's Greatest Hits in a room he's least likely to enter.
$16, Urban Outfitters,
653 Collins Ave., Miami Beach, 305-535-9726;
The Shops at Sunset Place,
5701 Sunset Dr., South Miami, 305-663-1536

This person thinks "You're So Vain" was written about her. And she wasn't even born yet. Her apartment has more mirrors than Versailles and, if you count, there are at least 16 photos of just her lying around. And that's just in the bedroom. At parties, conversations inevitably center on her because she's got a way with taking any subject and making it hers and hers alone. She's one of those people who never asks "How are you?" and if she does, it's just a segueway to a long ranting about her latest ills and pains. That's why All About Me is an ideal gift for her. An 82-page fill-in- the-blanks book that's written by her biggest fan--herself. You see, this book is chock-full of questions that the egomaniac can answer about herself. All about her memories, dreams, beliefs and fears. Fears that if this were the last book on earth, reading would become extinct, perhaps?
$16, Urban Outfitters,
653 Collins Ave., Miami Beach, 305-535-9726;
The Shops at Sunset Place,
5701 Sunset Dr., South Miami, 305-663-1536

Overgrown Fraternity Boy
This guy refuses to part with his fraternity jerseys which, to your dismay, he still wears out in public. His collection of shot glasses are more priceless than the Rolex he got for graduation 20 years ago and his idea of intimacy with his girlfriend is a high five. Somehow, however, he manages to hold down a decent job, one for which he travels extensively. And while his business suits are something he almost always forgets on these trips, give him something he's sure to carry with him at all times. The Weekend Fun Pack is a portable frat party--with bottle opener, dice, a shot glass, playing cards, a wine opener (for when the beer runs out), four ping pong balls, and instructions for beer pong, doubles, quarters and other brain-busting drinking games--that's sure to win him points with all those other business dudes.
$9.99, Urban Outfitters,
653 Collins Ave., Miami Beach, 305-535-9726;
The Shops at Sunset Place,
5701 Sunset Dr., South Miami, 305-663-1536

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