A River Runs Near It

Just across the way from Miami city offices, the coming attraction is a palace of pleasure

Left in the lurch by the legalities, Lindsay, Sanchez, and Jude are poised to assemble a compelling list of indecencies, should they be committed, and present it to the city's nuisance abatement board. "I think it's more than appropriate to ask our police department to at least investigate whether an establishment such as that is complying with all the laws and codes, et cetera, " Lindsay says. "Establishments of that nature historically run into problems with people engaging in illegal activities of a sexual nature."

Sanchez is concerned that overheated sex maniacs, after conducting their business at the emporium, might stroll over to the baseball field one block away, or to José Martí Park, four blocks away. "They're going to walk out of there, and when they're walking out, they're going to be close to a park where kids are going to be playing, where families are going to be walking," warns the commissioner. He notes Centro Mater, a day-care and social-service center, also is nearby.

Sensing the battle has been lost, Sanchez promises a war to stanch the pleasure kingdom. "The zoning ordinance is something that has to be rewritten so that this doesn't happen again," the commissioner vows.

They'll just be sittin' there watchin' the video flow
Kirk Nielsen
They'll just be sittin' there watchin' the video flow

Such aggressive measures would be obscene, contends Joe Schreiner. "What we will try to do is be the most upbeat, progressive, aggressive, positive type of influence," he pledges, comparing the Pleasure Emporium to an Eckerd drugstore nearby. He also thinks the nuisance notion is nonsense. "As far as being a nuisance for someone, I would say, you know, if you don't want milk or bread then don't stop at that [milk and bread] store to buy it," he reasons. "And if you don't want really nice lingerie, or leather, or lubricants, or whatever else that might tweak your fancy for a second between you and your consenting partner, your wife, your husband, then don't stop here."

Nor should you stop if you're not interested in the sixteen video booths this store will provide. And don't stop, Schreiner says, if you want to fit more than one person in a viewing station. He insists his personnel will strictly enforce the one-body-per-booth rule. But what if that one individual, you know, tries to find his glory in there? "I wouldn't say it never happens," the manager confesses. "I very strongly discourage it. I really frown on it," he continues. "I don't know if it's illegal, but it's certainly against our policy. I really want this to be upscale."

kirk.nielsen@miaminewtimes.com

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