DeFede

Y2K Disaster Strikes Miami

Officials from the Miami-Dade County Medical Examiner's Office said Ms. Estefan died within minutes of the plane striking the arena. And though she did not suffer, it does appear that Elian may have "sampled" the songstress in order to survive.

"The kid was hungry," explained Gutierrez. "He waited as long as he could. He tried to eat one of the drummers from the band but found him a bit gamy. In the end he had no choice. It was either eat Gloria or die. Personally I blame Castro."

U.S. Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen agreed. "If young Elian had had enough food to eat while he was being raised in Cuba, then he might not have been so hungry when the arena collapsed," the congresswoman declared. "Castro turned that child into a cannibal, not the United States. And we must never lose sight of that."

During a news conference, Demetrio Perez, a member of the Miami-Dade County School Board, said that if Elian attends one of his private schools, and the building should ever collapse, he'd be honored if Elian would eat him. Seeking to prove his point, Perez slathered his arm with turkey fat and thrust it into the mouth of a hungry rottweiller, which gnawed on it for several minutes.


ELIAN HIJACKS PLANE
"Get Me the Hell Out of Here"
March 17, 2000

MIAMI (Reuters) -- Elian Gonzalez commandeered an American Airlines plane at gunpoint late this evening and demanded to be returned to Cuba. The six-year-old boy had been given several loaded guns during a photo opportunity earlier in the day with National Rifle Association president Charlton Heston, and brandished one of them during a tour of Miami International Airport.

The MIA visit was supposed to be a "time for healing," according to Elian's Miami relatives. As photographers flashed away, the president of American Airlines showed Elian the cockpit of a Boeing 767. "This is the same sort of plane that crashed and buried you alive for nearly a week," the airline official explained to Elian through a translator. "Pretty neat, huh?"

Elian, however, became noticeably agitated. He then screamed, pulled out a .357 Magnum, held it to the pilot's head, and declared, in Spanish: "You people are nuts. Get me the hell out of here!" Within minutes the plane was in the air and bound for Havana.

"I'm afraid this only strengthens our fears that young Elian may have been a Castro agent all along," said Ninoska Perez Castellon, a spokeswoman for the Cuban American National Foundation. "What a shame."

jim.defede@miaminewtimes.com

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