A Real Blowjob

Aim giant fans toward the ocean. Irrigate Africa. Fire NOAA. And other paranoid rants from the feds' conceptually challenged file.

"The destruction of over 100 million or more whites by Isreal in a holly war has [to] be avoided by alerting northern Americans their homes are being cheaply built," he concludes. There's more about the Vietnam War and hydrogen bombs and stucco siding. Oprah could not be reached for comment.

Compared with the "holly war" warning, other ideas in the conceptually challenged file are less-than-fully thought out. A British man announces that his new "high-tech" company can prevent windstorm destruction. Then he trumpets some unexplained "humanitarian project" that "will be shown live on television in front of international media around the globe. All potential victims will be a witness of our technological performance proving human beings [have] the capacity to answer the hurricane and tornado challenge."

The ability to alter the weather is a common theme. Kenny in Cleburne, Texas, announces his experience in "weather modification." Among his "special skills" are the ability to create rain, snow, and "breeze." He is also a "hurricane killer." A notation from an NHC official, scribbled at the bottom of Kenny's résumé, states simply: "Send employment application."

"You get the pitcher!" Blueprints for a hurricane deflecting fan
"You get the pitcher!" Blueprints for a hurricane deflecting fan

Like Kenny, George from California also slays 'canes. But he doesn't stop there. "I have a special gift," George reveals in a six-page, single-spaced letter typed on stationery featuring cartoon penguins in stocking caps and scarves. "This gift has allowed me to be able to bring in a storm or to move one out. You may ask, 'How are you able to do such a thing?' I was born this way."

He explains further: "When I was conceived I was brought from sea level to 7200 feet above sea level to a cabin up in the mountains to a place called Green Valley Lake. When I was born I was frequently brought up to the mountains and also to the desert, which is below sea level, to visit my grandmother. These climatic changes put a lot of stresses on my body while I was growing up, which caused my body to be able to develop in a strange way to where I could control my environment to survive through all of these temperature changes of high and low pressure, altitude, moisture depravation, humid conditions, solar radiation fluctuations, well you get the pitcher!"

George claims that his desire for warm weather at a cousin's wedding accidentally caused the eruption of Mount St. Helens. ("I do not want to be the blame so I kept quiet," he reveals.) A near-death experience following a motorcycle accident prompted him to renew his commitment to his church, and to use his powers for good. "I make sure there is enough water for the fish and wildlife, and make sure the economy is going good," he says. "I have pushed hurricanes off the East Coast when I am aware of them."

He has tried alerting officials at the "Department of Fish and Game" and "other weather radio people" to his special gift, but "they would say such things as, 'I don't have time for this,' or they put me down or just do not believe it. So I just do whatever I think will help the salmon, flush out all the pollution, and many other things, and I do not get paid for it."

George says he's currently using the Internet to contact thirsty nations.

Finally there is a letter from Frank in Mobile, Alabama. His is the most provocative dispatch in the file. Like several others, Frank claims to know the secret to hurricane prevention. Before he surrenders it, though, he wants NHC officials to work. "Over the past few years hurricanes have been developing more frequently and with much more violent force in the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, causing billions of dollars in property damage, misery, and sadness to hundreds, due to loss of life," he says. "From all indications there is no relief in sight, unless some discovery, scientific or technological development is made.

"That is what my idea or discovery is all about," he continues. "As you know, hurricanes develop from tropical storms. My discovery or idea is to prevent tropical storms (once they develop) from becoming a hurricane. Once a tropical storm is 'born' in the Atlantic or Pacific, my discovery will stop it 'dead' in its tracks.

"My discovery or idea is for sale. The idea is embodied in solving the following riddle:

Out of the violent came something calm

and out of the strong there was no harm.

"The discovery or idea comes in three phases:

Phase #1 -- Solve Riddle

Phase #2 -- Tell How It Works

Phase #3 -- Final Details of Discovery

"I am not trying to get a patent," he insists. "It will take much money to build and develop this project. If you think you can tackle this 'baby' I will be happy to share my idea or discovery with you."

So far no one has solved the riddle, leaving the discovery process stalled in Phase #1, despite a tantalizing pitch from the inventor: "When this project is complete and put in operation, it could serve as a catalyst for the production of one of the greatest movies ever seen," he teases. "It might carry the title The Destruction of Tropical Storm. It could even outrate the Titanic."

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