Calendar for the week

thursday
july 31
Florida Marlins: Someday they will talk with reverence about the Atlanta Braves. Extraordinary. Dynastic. Unbelievable. Dominant. When the historians look back on organized baseball in the Nineties, they will look at Atlanta. In the past eight years the Braves have won a World Series championship and four National League pennants. This year, like every other year, they hold the best record in the game. Statisticians will drool over the Braves' starting rotation of pitchers -- perhaps the best ever. Simply put, the Braves are unbeatable. But beat them the Marlins must, because they play in the same division. Florida can write its own history (and challenge for first place) with a sweep of the four-game series, beginning tonight and running through Saturday at 7:05 p.m., with a 4:35 p.m. game on Sunday. The action happens at Pro Player Stadium (2269 NW 199th St.). Tickets cost $2 to $25. Call 930-7800. (RAP)

Sylvia: Florida International University's theater department wraps up its inaugural summer season at the Wertheim Performing Arts Center (University Park campus, 11200 SW Eighth St.) with A.R. Gurney's romantic comedy Sylvia. It's a romance with a twist, as a man's love for his dog helps him through his midlife crisis yet jeopardizes his marriage. Oh, and did we mention the dog can talk (but only the man can hear her)? Sylvia runs tonight through Saturday at 8:00 p.m. and Sunday at 2:00 p.m. Tickets cost ten dollars. Call 348-3789. (GC)

friday
august 1
Miami Rocks Festival: Churchill's Hideaway (5501 NE Second Ave.) hosts its third annual Miami Rocks Festival, featuring more than 200 local bands playing a wide assortment of rock music, beginning tonight and running through September 1. The fest opens with a "media" night -- which doesn't mean it's for the media, but that people associated with the media are members of the bands, including Chupacabras (New Times), Capital (WSVN-TV Channel 7), and Mr. Entertainment and Hurricane Andrew Cunanan (Miami Herald). As of press time, the folks at Churchill's were still ironing out the schedule, so see our "Clubs" listings on page 78 and future New Times for more. Most shows begin around 9:00 p.m., and admission is free most nights, although some shows will have a three- to five-dollar cover. Patrons age eighteen and over are welcome to all events. Call 757-1807. (GC)

Alter Ego Second Anniversary Party: Mild-mannered business people have been squeezing themselves into tight leather and rubber and parading around at Squeeze (2 S. New River Dr., Fort Lauderdale) once a month for the past couple of years at "Alter Ego" play parties. The Fetish Factory, that South Florida mainstay of kinky fashion and fabulousness, hosts a gala celebration of two years of helping closet kinkmeisters just like you realize their erotic fantasies. There will be the usual dancers and role-playing performers, plus a few other surprises. The 21-and-over party starts at 9:00 p.m., and the dress code is strict (you must wear fetish attire, e.g. rubber, leather, latex, PVC, drag, gothic, uniforms, et cetera). Admission is eight dollars. Call 954-896-5405. (GC)

Sylvia: See Thursday.

saturday
august 2
Warped Tour: Loud music, skateboarding, and beer -- the good life, or a recipe for disaster? Decide for yourself as the aptly named Warped Tour takes over the Pompano Beach Amphitheatre (1801 NE Sixth St., Pompano Beach) today at 1:00 p.m. with seven hours of music on four stages plus all the cool skater stuff you can handle. The two main stages will feature -- drum roll, please -- Social Distortion (for more, see "Music," page 71), Pennywise, the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Descendents, Sick of It All, Lagwagon, the Suicide Machines, Blink-182, Reel Big Fish, Millencolin, Royal Crown Revue, and Lip Bizkit. There will also be a multitude of bands playing on club and locals' stages. If you're really feeling lucky, punk, enter the Van Amateur Skateboarding competition. Tickets to this day of fun in the sun (yes, like all these summer festivals, it's outdoors) cost $20. Call 954-949-2404. (GC)

Florida Playwrights' Theatre Shakespeare Festival: The words of the Bard heat up the summer as Florida Playwrights' Theatre (1936 Hollywood Blvd., Hollywood) presents its fourth annual Shakespeare Festival. The fest opens tonight with the romping comedy The Merry Wives of Windsor, then continues with that perennial romantic tragedy Romeo and Juliet, which opens on Saturday, August 9. The two plays run in repertory through September 14, with performances Thursday through Saturday at 8:00 p.m., with a 2:00 p.m. Sunday matinee. Tickets cost $15 ($25 for both shows). Call 954-925-8123. (GC)

Impotent Sea Snakes: This really seems to be the weekend for sexual adventurousness in South Florida (even more so than usual). First we have that cavalcade of kinkiness that calls itself "Alter Ego" (see Friday), then the Impotent Sea Snakes come back into town, bringing their provocative antics and chugging rock and roll to the two Chili Pepper locations this weekend. Hailing from that Deep South center of drag culture -- Atlanta -- the Sea Snakes deck themselves out in slutty lingerie and bad wigs and play heavy metal with raunchy, tongue-in-cheek lyrics (mostly about anal sex and other indoor sports). If you haven't seen this band before, consider yourself warned: For all its shock-rock inventiveness, Marilyn Manson ain't got nuthin' on these guys, and they make the Genitorturers look like pantywaists. Just throw together Alice Cooper, the New York Dolls, the Plasmatics, and the Cramps, stir in Fellini and the Marquis de Sade, and top it off with some hard-core porn -- you get the picture. The Sea Snakes slither into Miami Beach's Chili Pepper (621 Washington Ave.; 531-9661) tonight and take the stage Monday at Fort Lauderdale's Chili Pepper (200 W. Broward Blvd.; 954-525-5996). Call the clubs for showtimes and ticket prices. (GC)