Life Sentences

Forget Hiaasen, Balmaseda, and Steinback -- the Herald's weird, wacky "Police Report" is the prose by the pros

A parking meter officer was attacked as he issued a ticket for an illegally parked pick-up truck. One of the attackers threw something at the officer, hitting him in the chest, while the other attacker got back into the truck and tried to back over the officer. When another meter parking officer tried to stop the attackers, they again got out of the truck and one bumped the first officer with his chest and flailed his arms in the air while yelling profanities. The attackers got back into the truck and started to speed away, but were stopped by police.

While writing a ticket, a parking enforcement officer was hit by a car driven by an angry motorist. The parking enforcement officer was citing a black Porsche that was illegally parked on Washington Avenue. When the driver returned, he was told about the ticket. When the officer leaned down to read the decal number on the license plate, the driver got into the car and backed up, knocking the officer down. The driver then sped away. The parking enforcement officer was not seriously injured.

No One Is Immune
Thieves stole a clock and clipboard from a security cart that patrols an apartment complex in unincorporated Dade near North Miami. The cart was left alone while the security guard who drives it was checking the area on foot. The clock is valued at $500.

A $1000 four-door 1979 Buick Park Avenue was found in an open field in Florida City. The car had been stolen from the Hialeah Police Department.

Truly Petty Crime
Someone set fire to a wooden sign in the lobby of the North Miami city library.

Someone threw an egg through the open window of a home in South Miami. No arrest was made.

A witness saw a man steal a piece of wood stored under the Miami Beach boardwalk. The piece of plywood was valued at $35.

Two robbers pointed guns at a man who was stopped at an intersection in Northeast Miami and ordered him to lie down inside the car. The robber then got inside the car, sat on top of the victim, and drove the car near the first block of NE 46th Street. They tied his hands and feet and put a sheet over his head, tortured and pistol-whipped him, demanding $15,000 to $20,000 to let him go. When one of the robbers took out a hot iron, the victim broke free and fled on foot, and saw both robbers fleeing in his silver 1994 Isuzu truck with his black wallet, Citizen watch valued at $125, and gold bracelet worth $200.

A man was pistol-whipped and abducted at the intersection of NW First Court and 62nd Street. Two men approached the victim; one man took a .38 caliber revolver and started to hit the victim with it, then threw him into the truck of his own car. They then drove around in the car for several hours before abandoning it and witnesses heard the victim calling for help.

Incomplete Reports
A grandmother was hit over the head with a piece of wood while she was walking with her five-year-old grandson in Miami Beach. The child's mother parked her Ford Bronco near where the 75-year-old woman and the boy were walking and demanded the woman give back the boy. When the grandmother refused, the boy's mother hit her over the head, grabbed the boy, and sped away. The grandmother was not seriously injured.

A man woke up after a night on the town to discover he was locked inside the bathroom at the South Florida Arts Center. An employee arrived at the center shortly before 7:00 a.m. Sunday and heard a noise coming from the second floor restroom. When he walked in, he heard a man kicking the door. The trapped man said he was locked in and wanted out. The man said he did not know how he got into the building or how long he had been locked in. He told police the last thing he remembered was being in a bar on Washington Avenue. Damage to the bathroom stall door was estimated at $150.

Nothing Is Sacred
A statue of the Virgin Mary was stolen from the front yard of a home in north central Dade. The homeowner had had the two-foot statue, valued at $50, for 30 years.

It Could Have Been Worse
Two skinny-dippers had their wallet and purse stolen while swimming at the Fifteenth Street beach at 3:05 a.m. When they returned, their clothes remained where they had left them, but the wallet and purse, which contained about $300 in cash, were gone.

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