Life Sentences

Forget Hiaasen, Balmaseda, and Steinback -- the Herald's weird, wacky "Police Report" is the prose by the pros

Stupid Victims
A group of robbers attacked a man who was walking downtown after midnight. They beat the victim with an unknown object and stole $200 from his pants pocket. The victim said he was too drunk to describe them.

A couple was robbed in their Miami Beach apartment. The couple had met the three robbers earlier and invited them up to their apartment, they told police. When the couple went to bed, one of the visitors stuck a gun in the man's side and repeatedly threatened to kill him. The other man and a woman ransacked the apartment before the three left with men's clothing valued at $400, eight compact discs, and $20.

Two men in a blue car fired two shots at another man as he walked along NW Sixth Avenue. The pedestrian, who was unharmed, does not know the reason for the attempt, although he said the same two men attacked him before. In the previous incident one of the two men swung a baseball bat at the man's face, breaking his jaw. The victim did not report the first incident until after the second attack.

Thank Goodness, It's the Police
A man who flagged down a Florida City police officer to get a jump-start for his vehicle was later arrested and charged with possession of cocaine. While the officer was assisting him, Stanley Walter Dylag, 44, was asked several times by the officer to take his hands out of his pockets. When Dylag did, a clear plastic bag containing suspected crack cocaine fell out. Dylag was taken to jail.

A childhood friend tied up, beat, and robbed a tourist from Indiana in a room at the Fontainebleau Hilton Hotel. The tourist met his friend and two other men in the bar before going up to the hotel room. Once inside, one of the robbers pulled out a gun he had been hiding and pointed it at the tourist's head while ordering him to get on the floor. When the tourist protested, the robber hit him across the mouth and cheek with the gun. The three robbers tied the man's hands behind his back with duct tape, placed a piece of tape over his mouth, and unplugged the telephone before rummaging through his pockets and stealing a reported $1500 in cash. When police arrived, they found marijuana scattered around the floor. A police dog was called in, which found more marijuana hidden in the room. The victim, Ivan Santiago, 28, of Gary, Indiana, was charged with possession of marijuana.

Good Samaritans Beware
A woman offered to help a man who had fallen near her car parked in Miami Beach. When the woman asked the man if he was okay, he began kicking her car, then kicked her in the right knee. When the woman ran away, the man chased her until police arrested him.

A man living in a Miami home invited in a man from outside who had been begging for food. The man ate and left. A short while later the homeowner realized his beeper was missing. He found the man on a street corner and asked him for the beeper. The man said he no longer had it but would look for it.

A robber approached a man who was walking along NW Seventeenth Avenue and asked him how to dial a beeper from a pay phone. When the victim walked to the phone to explain, the robber pulled out a chrome revolver, pointed it at him, and demanded his money. The victim said he had none. "Don't play stupid," the robber said. "I saw you. You're going to make me shoot you." The victim turned over $40. Before fleeing in a dark green 1983 Chevrolet Impala, the robber pulled the victim's beeper from his pants.

Bad Samaritans
A 70-year-old disabled man was robbed as he tried to enter the lobby of his Miami Beach apartment building. The robber held the door open for the man, who uses a walker. As he slowly stepped up to the front door, the robber pushed him to the side, took the man's wallet out of his pants pocket, and ran away. Several credit cards and $80 were in the wallet.

A well-dressed lady approached a 95-year-old woman and volunteered to accompany her to a doctor's appointment. When the woman offered the lady a tip for her kindness, the robber noticed a large number of bills in the woman's purse, grabbed it, and ran across the street, where her boyfriend was waiting. The robber got away with $50.

A woman was robbed after she got a flat tire in Coral Gables. As the victim was traveling north on Red Road after leaving Allen's drug store, she got a flat tire and pulled over to the side at Sevilla Avenue. A man appeared out of nowhere and asked her in Spanish if she needed help. He then reached through the window, grabbed her purse, and ran across the street. Stolen: $580 in cash and $300 in Argentine currency.

A man suffered an epileptic seizure while driving with an acquaintance at 2:00 a.m. and pulled over in Little Havana. He asked his acquaintance to keep driving and got out of the car. As he walked around the car to the passenger's side, his acquaintance jumped the center console and sped away north on SW Eleventh Avenue in the victim's light blue 1995 Dodge Neon.

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