Life Sentences

Forget Hiaasen, Balmaseda, and Steinback -- the Herald's weird, wacky "Police Report" is the prose by the pros

As a woman was getting into her car in the parking lot of her apartment complex in South Miami, she was accosted by a man who shoved her to the ground and placed a sharp object against her. He then grabbed her purse from her shoulder, pulled her twenty-dollar watch from her wrist, and fled. The woman yelled, "Give me back my purse." Her attacker yelled back, "Shut up."

Successful Negotiation
Armed robbers spared a man his shoes but took his wallet and more than $2200 in jewelry before firing a shot toward him. The man was walking past a parking lot in Hialeah when two men got out of a white 1986 Bonneville with tinted windows and a temporary tag in the rear window. One robber flashed a gun and ordered the man to hand over his wallet and jewelry or he would shoot him. Then he asked for the man's shoes but left without them after the man asked to keep them. As the robbers returned to the car, which was driven by an accomplice, the armed robber fired one shot at the victim but missed. They then drove south on West Fourteenth Avenue.

Weird Booty
Someone pried open a beige 1985 Mazda RX7 parked at a home in the first block of Melrose Drive and stole $240 worth of luggage, eleven Gulfstream Airlines pilot uniforms, four airline headsets valued at $1000, and several flight log books.

Burglars stole a picture of a horse that hung on the bedroom wall of an apartment. The burglars managed to get in through the front door although no signs of forced entry were found. The picture is valued at less than ten dollars.

A burglar stole $150 worth of meats from a shed at a home in unincorporated north central Dade.

After stopping quickly for a pack of cigarettes and a cup of coffee at the One Stop Gas Station in Opa-locka, a man discovered that his $300 bag had been stolen from his car. Also stolen: a $65 calculator. And a urine specimen.

Someone broke into the Sunbelt Ice Cream shop in Norwood. The thief did not take any money but did steal $370 worth of ice cream.

A litter of newborn puppies was stolen from the back yard of a house in North Bay Village. Four ten-year-old boys jumped the fence around 3:00 p.m., grabbed the puppies, then ran into a nearby elementary school.

Burglars broke into the shed of a home in the Redlands and stole a generator worth $1200, a go-cart worth $600, and liquid detergent worth $25.

A painting of Winston Churchill as a child, valued at $25,000, was stolen from an apartment in the 700 block of NE 206th Street. Burglars forced open sliding glass doors to break into the unoccupied apartment. Several other paintings were stolen, as well as a leather couch and four tables.

A thief stole $180 worth of Tylenol, Advil, and Axid from a North Miami convenience store.

Weird Booty (Underwear Division)
After a few days' vacation, a woman returned to her apartment in South Beach to discover a burglar had pried open the front window. The burglar also walked on the sofa and ransacked the apartment before stealing a $40 portable radio, $400 worth of jewelry, and several pairs of underwear.

A man returned to his Surfside home and found a window open and the screen on the floor inside his house. A .357 Magnum valued at $200 was stolen along with several bullets, casings, and underwear.

Weird Booty
(Cold Hard Cash Division)
A thief got away with $400 stolen from Vecchia Brera on Ocean Drive. At closing time Friday night, the manager put the money inside a padlocked freezer, as he usually does. When an employee opened the restaurant the next day, the freezer was still locked but the money was gone.

Brand Loyalty
A woman's $950 Louis Vuitton purse was stolen from the child seat of her shopping cart outside a Winn-Dixie on Key Biscayne. Included in the theft were a $450 Louis Vuitton wallet, a $250 Louis Vuitton key case, a $150 Louis Vuitton checkbook cover, a pair of $150 Ralph Lauren sunglasses, a Cartier business-card holder, a Santos lighter, a pair of Versace sunglasses, a Ralph Lauren leather notebook, a Mont Blanc fountain pen, $150, and numerous credit cards.

Safety Tip: Remove Ruby Stone Clusters Before Exercising
An armed man robbed two 46-year-old women of about $16,000 worth of jewelry as they jogged on South Greenway Drive in Coral Gables. The women were approaching a friend's house when the man surprised them from behind. He pointed a silver-toned semiautomatic pistol at them and said, "Let me have your jewelry or I shoot. I'm sorry, but I have to do this." The gunman was identified as about twenty, wearing jeans, a burgundy jacket, and white sneakers. The victims told police they believed the robber was hiding in the Granada Golf Course. They gave him their jewelry, including a $1500 designer watch, a gold Cartier ring valued at $1800, an 18-karat gold band with fifteen diamonds valued at $4000, a sixteen-inch, 14-karat gold necklace with multiple diamond and ruby stone clusters valued at $3600, and a $3800 diamond-and-sapphire ring. The man then ran toward the Alhambra Circle area, near the water tower. It was not known if he had an accomplice waiting for him in a vehicle.

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