To cease wearing the fake nose and eyeglasses as part of my disguise. The latex makes me break out.
To celebrate Oktoberfest all year round with the nine-percent-alcohol beer at Treffpunkt Biergarten (18090 Collins Ave.; 933-3942), which I'll quaff while watching soccer highlights in German on the dining room's large-screen TV.
To have guaco loco races at San Loco (235 Fourteenth St., Miami Beach; 538-3009). 'Nuff said.
To mangia the Maine lobster fra diavolo at L'Aurora (18250 Collins Ave.; 936-8166). Served over homemade tagliatelle, this dish is as hot in temperature as it is in spice.
To avoid the appetite-killing oyster altogether. Food poisoning is not an aphrodisiac.
To zip up to Zapata's Place (11099 Biscayne Blvd., North Miami; 899-8997) for the mighty carne a la tampiquena, a butterflied flank steak rolled around sauteed peppers, onions, tomatoes, onions, and ham, then wrapped in bacon and grilled.
To borrow a dog -- purebred, of course -- so it can wind itself around my chair, then sit choking and panting after the local stray cats while I dine in a leisurely fashion on Lincoln Road.
To satisfy Homeric hungers at Fresco Mediterranean Cafe (in the Eden Roc, 4525 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 674-5570), even though chef Stefano LaCava, who prepared the Greek spice-rubbed chicken I liked so much, has since been expelled from the Garden of Eden Roc.
To fight for my right to sit at Cafe Primola (13200 Biscayne Blvd., North Miami; 899-1081).
To rub elbows with Kerry Simon's maple-syrup-glazed ribeye steak A garnished with buttermilk-battered onion rings A at Max's South Beach (764 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 532-0070).
To rekindle the flame for New World cuisine. Pacific Rim be damned.
To go pho dinner at Mekong (18073 S. Dixie Hwy.; 238-3500). These Vietnamese noodle soups, traditional for breakfast, eat like an evening meal.
To restore my feta in Greek cuisine. Mylos (1111 Ponce de Leon Blvd., Coral Gables; 461-0403) serves it bubbling over six gigantic shrimp and spiced with tomatoes, garlic, and scallions.
To finally reveal the names of my all-time favorite restaurants in Miami, regardless of location, ethnicity, and cost of a meal. Maybe I'll get to that next week.