By Chuck Strouse
By Scott Fishman
By Terrence McCoy
By Ryan Yousefi
By Ciara LaVelle, Kat Bein, Carolina Del Busto, and Liz Tracy
By Pepe Billete
By Ryan Yousefi
By Kyle Swenson
PE.Over the past three decades, you have amassed fame, fortune, and -- most important of all -- respect. Heck, you even have your own steakhouse! But there are evil forces out there working against you:
The maniacal owner. The fickle press. The expectorating linebacker. Late in the fourth quarter of life's journey, they conspire to rob you of your nobility. With each roll of the dice, you persevere. The object of SHUMANJI (TM) is to retire from the game with some semblance of your dignity intact.HOW TO PLAY SHUMANJI(TM): Players start with 1000 "Dignity Points" apiece. Taking turns rolling the dice, each "Shula" moves his game piece along the treacherous Path to Happy Retirement(TM). The player who reaches the Retirement square with the most points wins.
Pick up tight end Eric Green. Gain 125 points.
Running back Irving Spikes asks if he can leave the game in the third quarter so he can go home and beat the crap out of his wife. Overlooking an early sign that you've lost control of your team, you simply ask him to please stay until the two-minute warning. Lose 150 points.
Ouch! Torn Achilles tendon requires surgery, forcing you to ride up and down the sidelines on a goofy-looking motorized contraption. Lose 50 points.
Dolphins win first four games. You are hailed in the press as a hero. Gain 175 points.
Amid a small fete you've hosted for Pat Riley on his arrival in town, the new Heat coach turns to you and asks, "Wouldn't it be great if we both made the cover of Sports Illustrated this year?" A bizarre sensation of dread causes you to lose one turn.
Jimmy Johnson holds a press conference to announce that he would not be interested in coaching the Dolphins unless he were to be offered the job. Even then, he adds, he'd accept the post only if you were given an honorable retirement or fired. Lose 300 points.
A stock tip from Wayne Huizenga pays off big, earning you an additional 200 points.
Bryan Cox shouts "Suck my dick!" and spits at a busload of nuns who have come to South Florida from upstate New York on a religious retreat. "They were Buffalo fans," Cox tells radio talk show host Phil Hendrie. Lose 100 points.
TOM LANDRY LIVING LEGEND MEMORIAL SQUARE
Oh no! You run into Miami Herald sports columnist Dan Le Batard at Johnny Rockets. As he sucker-punches a police officer, he dumps a chocolate shake on your shoes causing you to stagger back two squares and lose 150 points.
Pick up extra battery pack for sideline scooter. Race ahead two squares, but lose 75 points for continuing to look goofy.
Gene Atkins? Eric Green? What were you thinking! Lose 300 points.
Pat Riley calls to tell you he's been on the phone with the folks from Sports Illustrated. "It's going to be you and me, pal!" he says. You thank him, but the sense of dread returns. Go back to the "Tom Landry Living Legend Memorial Square" and lose a turn.
State health inspectors raid your restaurant and find Bryan Cox in the kitchen spitting on the food. Lose 100 points.
Banned from the University of Miami, rap star Luther Campbell begins hanging out on the sidelines at Dolphin games and offering your defensive backs money for missing tackles. Defense takes up the challenge in earnest. Halfway through the season, they all buy new cars. Lose 125 points.
Wayne Huizenga announces to the press that the choice of returning for another season is entirely yours. Lose 200 points.
In a daring late-night raid, you sink Jimmy Johnson's boat, the Three Rings. Gain 200 points.
Robbie children visit your restaurant. But the evening ends in a food fight, as the clan "dines and dashes." Lose 75 points.
Sports Illustrated's "Who's Hot, Who's Not" cover hits newsstands. Lose 150 points.
Defensive coordinator Tom Olivadotti buys a new car, and is photographed by paparazzi at a strip club along with Luther Campbell, stuffing $100 bills into G-strings. Lose 200 points.
NBC Sports calls with a "hyphothetical" offer: Would you consider hosting the Don and Dave Shula "We've Just Been Canned" Father-and-Son Celebrity Golf Tournament? Lose 50 points for contemplating the offer.
In a moment of reckless wrath, you tell Wayne Huizenga he's "a fat bald fuck" and that no job is worth putting up with his "two-bit dictatorial ways." Gain 500 points.
Dolphins win in overtime. Gain 5 points.
You and Dan Marino get drunk at Marino's bar and then toilet-paper the trees in front of Pat Riley's house. Gain 50 points.
Dolphins fail to make the playoffs. Lose 400 points.
Dolphins make the playoffs. Gain 175 points and a one-year contract extension.
Dolphins make it to the Super Bowl. In order to win the big game -- and advance to the Retirement square with 1000 bonus points -- you must roll boxcars (double sixes). Roll anything else and you must return to the PRESEASON HYPE square and start over.